I am so at the end of my tether with ds1 (age 4) -- come tell me if yours does this too?

[oregonianabroad]

Hitting
Spitting
(no biting for a while)
Shouting
Demanding
Stamping
'I am NOT your friend'
Hitting ds2
'But I WANT TO!'
'But I WANT ANOTHER ONE!!'
'ME FIRST'

etc... etc...

I have tried everything, the whole gammut from stern/ authoritarian/ setting firm boundaries straight through to unconditional parenting/HWTSKWLALSKWT/ multiple calm discussions and re-directions etc......

I can't be the only one... can I??

GenerationGap I know what you're saying re consistency is probably the most effective way forward. I ignore where nobody is getting hurt, use time-out (with warning system) for violence or general losing it), and remove toys for wilful destruction.

BUT I also know that I need to be really creative with DS and that sometimes he almost WANTS the punishment. In those situations I often try a more HTTSKWL approach. Or humour. Or gin.

Actually, telling DS that he must not smile or laugh seems to work beautifully.

It's hard to be consistent when they are so inconsistent.

oregonian - do you get a break/time to yourself to recharge batteries? At 4.1 it could be while before this "phase" ends. My DS is 4 in a month. I'm sort of preparing myself for the long haul.

OH! Loads of posts since I was last on.

Thanks for all the advice and support.

I see your point, Generationgap, and perhaps you are right about too many approaches confusing the message, but do other parents agree?

I kind of think a variety of tools in my parenting tool kit is not a bad thing.

dh is here asking when I am coming to talk -- be back later for more discussion, thanks everyone for the replies and support.

Oh good lord Mrs Mattie.

Am weak with fear!

Was useless with a newborn last time round and I really don't know how I;m going to cope with a newborn and mini-Rambo.

I really enjoyed 2 and 3.

oregonian - I feel more confident having lots of techniques to use.

I try and stick to a sort of plan - but as I said, humour and cuddles seem to work just as well as punishments.

Sorry @NotSoRampant.

On the bright side, I was also useless with newborn stage last time and pretty much hated it, but DD is an angel baby and no trouble at all (yet!), so it's been pretty easy, really.

Mrs M and Notso, do you mean age 2 or 3, or 2 or 3 children?

For us, ds1 started acting up around age 2, coinciding with the arrival of ds2, improved a bit around age 3 for a while, and then has been acting up again a lot in recent weeks.

He did get a longer night's sleep last night and seems in a better mood today, so perhaps that has something to do with it?

Can I join the club? DS who will be 4 in July un-invites me to his birthday party on an almost daily basis and frequently expresses his desire to leave home and go and live in South America... Am unable to work out if it is linked to arrival of DS as it started whilst I was pregnant but also he started afternoon nursery around the same time too so really have no idea what's causing it. Having said that he is his mother's son and at a similar age I told my poor mother that I liked records better than her!

I do find, bloody hard as it is, being super-nice to him really works, so if he is aggressive I bark "come here" in a really stern voice and then give him a big hug instead of the telling off he was obviously expecting (and quite often gets when I am not feeling so patient and resourceful) and that seems to help. But not always. Very interested to hear any other non-punishment techniques that you are having success with.

I'm another one who finds its better to have lots of techniques in my parenting handbook to desperatly thumb through before throwing the book at DS

If your 4yr old is anythign like mine the only thing I can be certain of is that he will be consistantly irritating in small ways and inconsistant about everything you thought you had a handle on.

So one day being firm works, the next day he is tired and grumpy so a cuddle and story is better.

There is consistancy - the BIG rules. (Violence etc) If he hits or hurts someone there will be a consequence and he must say sorry. The consequence depends on where we are, who it is and what mood he is in.
Timeout is not a good tool at home for DS but works well if we are at an activity.

I laugh at the "not your best friend" thing tbh, not being his friend is the least of my worries! My usual reply is "nope I'm not.. I'm your mum, and its my job to take care of you even when you don't like me"

Yes, that's more or less what I say to my ds (3.a terrifying 11 - where did 4 years go???) "you're not my friend" "well that's alright, darling, my job is to be your mummy"

Hunger and tiredness play a huge part, though, cannot be underestimated in my view.

We're having major guilt trips about nursery at the moment because he knows school is coming "But mummy I miss you at school" Every. Bloody. Day. What am I meant to say? "Ds, your father is disabled and unable to work. Therefore, in order that there are Power Rangers DVDs to watch and food to eat, I have to go and earn a crust helping the NHS help people like the aforementioned father. BITE ME."? No, I have to sell the myriad delights of nursery. Aaaarrrggghhhh.

Phew that sounds exhausting. But we have days like this too. I find that running the little blighter ragged is very helpful. Is your son a good communicator? What I mean is regardless of speaking ability (could have put that better), is he generally good at expressing how he feels?

I have taken to leaving the authoritarian bit to one side with my DS nearly 4, and treating him a bit more like a grown up in these situations.

Either I take him to one side and quietly talk to him about why he has to behave and ask him if he thinks he can manage to comply. I.e. there are much younger children here, if you don't think you can manage to keep your hands to yourself/be nice/talk nicely/calm down, then we will have to go home/to bed/have no treats etc. Then definately carry through with my threats. At the first sign of him going back on the agreement, straight into the car or getting stuff together and we leave or whatever alternative I gave him.

It means I miss out a bit on coffee and gossip with friends, but it doesn't take long for him to realise he is missing out and that I mean what I say.

No renegotiating, just hard line. I have to say so far it has really worked for us.