DS and daddy

[amelie]

Our youngest child (a boy aged 2.6) is a really lovely boy - very smiley and happy. When his daddy's not there, he shows me loads of attention, eats his meals by himself and is completely normal.

when his daddy is there he can't do anything without him. Daddy is the only one who can put him to bed, take him to the toilet; he won't eat without daddy helping etc etc. And if I try and do anything he has a complete tantrum (to the hysterical stage), at which DH has to come and step in to help out.

When he wakes up in the morning he says daddy, and if DH has already gone to work DS stays in bed for a while sulking. He literally will not eat (and prefers to do without) if daddy's not helping. Daddy has to push the buggy or hold hands with him.

It makes me feel unloved to a certain extent, and DH doesn't like it cos he knows this. DH doesn't encourage it at all (and doesn't particularly like it, as it stops him doing things at weekends by himself) - but our first DD was also a daddy's girl (and still is a bit). We've tried being harsh, but his bottom lip starts quivering and he gets very upset. DD often complains that daddy spends too much time with DS...

Is there anything we can do, or will he just grow out of it?

any experiences welcome.

I don't think being 'harsh' is the answer, but maybe you need to show more of a 'united front' to ds?

how though? As I say he's fine with me when DH isn't there; when he is, it's like I don't exist.

If DH is there and YOU are doing something for dd and ds (bathtime, eg) and ds starts kicking off about it, I think you both need to be consistent and 'united' in telling ds that Mummy is bathing, not Daddy this time. No need to be harsh, but just united and not giving in to a tantrum. And remaining united during the inevitable tantrum

Oh tried that. He really does become completely uncontrollable. He really will just not give in, and it completely disturbs the rest of us.

This sounds exactly like my ds1 during the last stages of my pregnancy with ds2, and a fair few months after!

It is very upsetting and I completely empathise with you.

Ds1 did grow out of it eventually (he is now 12), but I seem to remember that dh and I just persevered with me doing as much for/with ds as I had previously!

I have to say that I have 3 ds now, and at times all of them have gone through a 'daddy's boy' stage, but they are all very loving towards me too.

Try not to worry about it, it is good they have such a strong bond. Just encourage your dh to include you a bit more - despite the tantrums.

What does he do?

I find my dd's tantrums a PITA but they don't disturb me, IYGWIM... and by DH 'stepping in' it just reinforces the advantages of him throwing one

Could you start off by doing things ds wants dh to do, together? ie, both of you do dinner/bath/play or whatever

But it solely one on one attention. The helping at tea - DH will start, then I'll try and take over and DS will just not allow it and would prefer not to eat. With buggy pushing - if anyone other than DH is doing it, DS will stand up and try to take hands off the buggy. Getting out of the bath DS will run around crying until DH dries him. And if DH is reading to DD at night, DS will lie outside the door bawling until DH gives in.

he'll also lie there at night saying 'my daddy, not [DD]s' daddy' - even though he is.

This happened to me. Ds had a marked preference for dh from about 18 months for the next 2 years.

Don't be harsh about it. It is not your son's fault that this is making you unhappy. He can prefer whoever he wants and is not responsible for your happiness. I say this from the perspective of having forced the issue with my son and knowing immediately that it was a mistake.

Ds did grow out of it and in the meantime, we tried the following:

1. I would take him out somewhere special without dh and we would do something together. It might be reading stories at the library or playing make-believe at the playground - but just the two of you away from the house. Will have bonus in giving dd some daddy time.

1. Offer unconditional love to your ds even if he pushes you away. I ended up saying to ds when he pushed me away "I will always be here whenever you do want a hug".

1. Make sure that you are not the one who does all of the disciplining as I think that this was part of the problem for us. Get dh to be responsible for some of this too.

I sympathise, it really is heart breaking.

I think maybe you do need to get a bit firm with him, at times. Some things I think are non-negotiable, like the reading to dd thing. DH can't give in to that, it's not fair on dd

DD2 is nearly 2.6, it's a difficult age, I agree. What strategies do you use for tantrums generally?

I use 'time-out' if really necessary. (Naughty step waste of time IMO). If dd2 starts tantrumming about something, I'll explain that I don't want to listen to her shouting AT me, because it's not nice. That I can understand that she's cross and upset but that if she wants to scream she needs to do it in a quiet space on her own (her bedrrom, for 2-3 mins usually). It's mostly very effective and doesn't run the risk of annoying dd1 too much either.

I think I'd let him run around screaming after a bath, personally. What's the worst thing that can happen? I'd probably ignore him during it too

Tantrums are normally resolved by them going to their's bedrooms and chilling out. Nothing too serious, and they do normally calm down quickly.

The afterbath tantrum is a pain - one of us is normally trying to get DD to learn to read - and it is somewhat distracting.

DH does do most of the disciplining, and I do spend two days a week with just DS (swimming/library/walking etc) - which is when we bond really well together. It's lovely. But then as soon as DH turns up it's as if I don't exist.

How does DH respond when he comes in? And when Ds starts tantrumming?

Oh completely fine - gives him/both of them a cuddle, and interacts with them both. Asks about their days and is very good with them indeed. And then spends ages reading to them and generally putting them to bed (he often puts both of them to bed by himself).

My youngest was like this, he was a real daddy's boy. Part of this was that I was about a lot more than his dad and so I did a lot of the boring every day stuff and then when his dad came home it was more 'fun'.

I did a lot of what goosey said, and now at 4yo it's better.

i think if you and DH eventually relent because of the tantrum, he's getting the message that tantrums = getting what he wants.

it could be less about favouring your DH and more about establishing control.

thrashing around outside doors and trying to take hands off handles is behaviour that should be completely ignored. if you give in you're in for more of the same.

if he's thrashing about the floor behave normally until you see him tiring of it (it will happen eventually) and then distract him without referring to his behaviour.

if everyone's on board with this response he'll get the message.

Problem is we've tried ignoring him - and he really does just go on for hours. And we ignore whilst pushing the buggy but he still does it. And with meals - he literally would prefer not to eat than do it himself or have me do it.

We try not to give in - and I think some of it is just tiredness (he's just stopped sleeping in the afternoons, and it does seem to be worse in the evening and bed time) but it's draining

it's draining but he will give in eventually.

Hope so!