How much 1-2-1 attention do you give a 3and a half year old?

[raffyandted]

Hello to everyone, I'm relatively new here. I'm asking this because for several months my son has been so completely demanding that I'm starting to dread being on my own with him. He wants constant attention ALL the time & by that I mean 110% 'get-down-on-floor-and play' attention. He's never content to play alone for even 5 minutes, he has to disrupt whatever I'm trying to get on with. If I play for an hour with him, then tell him that now I need to do some work, he'll just stop playing and grumble, and try whatever he can to distract me. If we go to a park, or playgroup, or indoor play centre, he doesn't run off to explore, he wants me to be on the climbing things with him! If I refuse he just mopes about & says he wants to go home.

I'm getting very stressed about this behaviour, & then I get resentful of him taking so much time. And of course then I feel guilty for being a crap mum. I sometimes worry it's not normal when I see the other parents whose similar age children are playing quite happily without them being 'right there'. My husband says I need to be firmer with him & that if I've played with him for an hour, then it isn't unreasonable to insist that I need to go & do something else for a while without him interrupting me. But I'm generally an anxious person who dislikes conflict/confrontation & I never seem to know how much is 'enough' attention & when it's ok to say 'that's it'. Sorry for the long post.

No answers but my lordy that sounds knackering! Is he at nursery?

You sound to me like a fantastic, lovely MUmmy who needs to do jobs but wants her son to be happy too.Is your husband firmer? Or is he suggesting a remedy for a situation he;s not in?

Perhaps [cliche I know] he could help you with jobs? Like putting washing in machine [lots of priase etc] bit of washing up. Sounds like he's a bit shy maybe.

Our dd was bit like this when she was young, I kind of did few minutes with her, few miutes with jobs ao she was reassured....

However she now buggers of the minute I put her down!!!!

tell him what you are doing and get him to do it with you - with the option that if he gets fed up with sorting the washing he can go an play on his own.

FWIW I think this is totally normal behaviour. My eldest (now 19 ) never once played on her own, wouldn't go upstairs alone, and wouldn't even watch TV alone....aagh...I remember the pain...

What some have found helpful is a timer - so you play together until it bleeps and then you do housework/pay bills/read paper until it bleeps again.

Make it short 10minute sessions at first to get him used to the idea and lengthen it to 30 mins once he's understrood the concept (that's 30 mins both ways.. - no bending the rules for your own benefit)

Hi Mumblecrumble, thanks for that. He's not quite so bad with my husband, probably cos i think my husband does draw the line a bit more. Hubby says i need to use the naughty step, but I just seem to be completely unable to decide when to say no...I had PND for a long time & I think part of it is me trying to make up for not wanting him around much when I was ill. It's like I'm almost afraid of saying no too much. Sounds silly when I look at it written down.

He goes to school nursery 2 and a half hours each morning, so I get a little break then.

perhaps there could be certain tasks that he learns are unquestionably things you have to do without him - eg he must know that if you are on the phone he can't play, or in the car? could this be extended to other areas?
can he have friends over to play with?
good advice already given too.

perhaps there could be certain tasks that he learns are unquestionably things you have to do without him - eg he must know that if you are on the phone he can't play, or in the car? could this be extended to other areas?
can he have friends over to play with?
good advice already given too.

My DD is like this (she has just turned 4). It is excrutiating and relentless. She wants attention constantly. It's got to the point that I flinch every time she speaks.

Can't help but you are not alone. It's sad but I am just looking forward to her going to school in September.

my ds was like this.

I think what worked best for him was giving him what he wanted. If I tried to pull back or resist, he fought all the harder for my time.

It takes a bit of faith to go with this approach but really, it is a thing of the early years and does naturally disappear as they become older IMO and IME.

I did envy other mums at groups who could sit and chat. Going to playgroup for me was just playing down on the carpet with ds at a hall instead of at home!

However he is now (at 7) able to play alone for AGES and even tells me to leave the room.

While he was demanding of time and attention I just did jobs when he napped and in the evening (with DH's help) DH knew what DS was like so he never expected the housewife stuff. He expected to come in and help with dinner and put washing on and clear up because he knew I had been working very hard all day with DS.

So I think it's about adjusting your expectations of life (and your DH's if necessary) and having the faith that if you give your DS the attention he craves, this will NOT mean he will be like this forever!

oh meant to add, going with your ds need for attention doesn't mean you just 'give up' - I constantly, every day would nip and put the kettle on or something, or mention doing a job in a minute, or try to get him playing on the kitchen floor while I loaded the washing....I just didn't push it if he couldn't cope.

My DS1 was like this - I never had any joy at mother and toddlers because he would not let me chat to the mums, was always all over me until I gave him my (total) attention, it was exhausting. He did eventually grow out of it - he is 5 now.

The only thing I can suggest is getting out of the house so you don't feel so responsible for being his sole source of amusement and entertainment. I used to find just being out and having lots of other things to see took the pressure off me, so going to the supermarket, farm parks, garden centres, scooter riding to the park, taking him swimming, perhaps to see family if they are nearby and will make a fuss of him for you, etc were less hard work than actually playing in the house all afternoon.

I know this doesn't help when you have stuff to do around the house however - but on the plus side it is a good excuse to let standards slip a bit

Thank you all for your good advice. It's good to know I'm not alone (not that I'm glad other people 'suffered' but YNWIM)Kitsilano, I know he will grow out of it eventually, but i suppose it's just really getting to me at the moment because it's been going on in varying degrees for so long.
Even as a young baby, he didn't like being in a room with more than a couple of people, and if i ever took him to get-togethers with the other mums from my ante-natal group he would scream, cry & generally want to be taken away. When he started walking, he would pull me to the front door of whoever's house we were in, and the other 6 toddlers would be sitting quite contentedly at their mums feet!

He loves his school nursery & separates well from me for that, it's just when hubby & I are with him, or me on my own he becomes so demanding. He doesn't even like hubby & I talking to each other, he'll do all he can to disrupt the conversation. But I can deal with that & when he disrupts my phone calls without feeling guilty, because its a particular situation where I can see it's just not acceptable. It's the grey areas I feel guilty about, the more general demands for attention I can't seem to face.
It's not even like I'm houseproud, my house is quite messy & dusty and it was like that before i had my son, but I would like to be allowed to go and make a meal or empty the washing machine without it becoming a battle.

Husband is in favour of the 'naughty seat' if he won't leave me alone after a reasonable amount of attention, but I don't know. Perhaps looking at it from slowreadingprogress'view & just trying to accept that this is who my son is (for now) & try to go with it.

Oh, i forgot to say the timer idea is good, I will try that. He already loves to push the buttons on my kitchen timer, so maybe using it to tell him when it's 'mummy's time' and letting him push the buttons so he thinks he's in control of it may help.

I agree with what slowreadingprogress has said.

I would just add this:

He sounds normal to me. He is responding in a totally predictable way. He wants your attention - as all small children do - the more you try to "push him away" the more he demands because he needs reassurance. The more he clings, the more frustrated you get, he picks up on your mood and the whole thing goes round and round.

You are expecting him to behave in a way that is appropriate for an older child.

He is too young to understand the concept of an hour's play with you followed by a longish period of time while you do something else. He will have forgotten the passage of time by the time you have been away from him for 2 minutes.

The naughty step is innappropriate for this behaviour - it is normal for a three yearold.

Surely you can do what you need to do while he is at nursery, and after he is in bed?

I can sometimes, but I'm also having to do a lot more for my elderly parents since January. My dad fell down the stairs at New Year (not drunk!) fractured his skull & has gone downhill ever since, He's been in & out of hospital ever since. I try to visit him every day at the moment in hospital & do shopping for my mum who can't go out & try to cook meals for her as she is only doing bits for herself. By the time he's in bed I feel too mentally knackered to do housework...that's the only couple of hours i get to myself.

hi raffyandted, firstly can i add that just by being here shows you are a fab mum and you care and secondly YOU ARE NOT ALONE! i have been meaning to post a thread regarding this issue as my 3.5 year old ds1 is also doing much of this, although he is better when alone at home with me but when hubby is at home or when we go out he plays up and will not venture forth and play, and it takes him a long time beofre he does. to add to the misery i have a 5 moth old who is fully breast fed and i find i am torn between them sometimes and end up giving much of my time to ds1 so as not to make him feel neglected but in doing so i know i am neglecting ds2 who is clearly losing out. its a tough life being mum and as there are no manuals we are bound to trip and fall and bodge up here and there...in the end its love that will fix everything.....and dont forget to add a pinch of "ignore the critics" and "your sons a bit clingy" cows!so to add that, just a little frustrated with busy bodies

Raffy - that is awful. So sorry to hear that.

Are you getting any help with caring for your parents? If not, you need to get straight onto social services and ask for an emergency carer's assessment for YOU, as you are now a full time carer for two elderly, sick people as well as your 3 year old. You HAVE to apply for the assessment in your name as the carer, not your parents.

You might get more info if you post a thread in the carers section.

This can be a minefield, and IME you have to keep asking till you get the help you need, and to which you, and your parents are entitled.

Have you claimed attendance allowance on behalf of your parents?

Your situation goes a long way to explaining why your ds is behaving as he is. He is responding to the general stress by regressing and feeling insecure. NOT YOUR FAULT, but not his either.

Please - get onto SS and get the help you are entitled to, as you cannot go on like this.

I

How old is your mum? She should be able to have her shopping done for her, and meals on wheels if she is unable to cook for herself.

Also, Age Concern should be able to sort her out with a cleaner.

Can you do a combined online shop for you and your mum, to save time?