8 year old DD seems to have burned out socially....or is it something more?!

[squilly]

It's all in the title really....my 8 yo dd is an only child. Since starting school she's always had lots of playdates and a wide circle of friends. She willingly goes to all playdates and enjoys being with others.

Over the last few weeks she's started asking not to be involved with playdates unless they're with her best friend only.

This has caused a few issues as she was part of a trio of friends. The third friend stopped playing with her at school but started hassling her for playdates every day AFTER school. DD got brassed off with this and we had to start avoiding the third friend and turning her down, which was not easy.

This is because 3rd friends mum and I had a row a while ago which caused this distancing to commence. I tried my best to keep the 3 kids playing together despite the fact we mums were being childish, but the distancing occurred at school playtimes and clearly continues to do so.

Playdates had just started to be more effortless again BUT dd has clearly noticed things aren't normal and has 'gone off' this third girl.

I know it's silly, but it's a little awkward. Me and the 3rd childs mum still are not totally comfy with each other and now dd's antisocial tendencies are adding to the problems.

I don't know if dd is just off the playdate thing altogether or if this situation has been the catalyst. Does anyone have any advice on this? Do I talk to the mum? Do I try to persuade dd to play ball? Do I enter a monastery? Or do I just leave it be and wait til dd comes around?? HELP!

will bump this for you - sounds like your DD has now got issues with this other little girl and you won't be doing her any favours by insisting she goes, especially if you and the mum don't get on.

When I was at school there was a girl I knew a bit, she was ok but I didn't think she was a great friend - however, she didn't have many other friends so I was the one who was always asked round to play. I wasn't over happy about it, but Mum would accept on my behalf and I would just have to put up with it, even though I would rather not have gone.

It is also quite possible that the other little girl uses the playdates to continue to harass your DD, but in a one on one situation, which is much harder to cope with.

Talk to your DD - see if you can get her to open up about what the problem really is.

I would just leave it to your DD, don't organise playdates unless she wants them.

Thanks thumbwitch and picesmoon. I know you're making sense and I've tried to pin down dd on why she's gone off her mate, but nothing's coming through. Just petty stuff that you often hear from 8 year olds...she doesn't want to play with me at school then nags me to go home or come to mine every day. She won't play the games I like. She's trying to boss me around.

Nothing new and doubtless the kind of thing most 8 year olds would say.

I will try to sit her down and talk to her again as there has to be a problem underlying this. It's just such a change of character.

i have to disagree, i dont' think there has to be a reson - not every adult gets on with every other one so why should an 8yr old? i've met plenty of people who i have no real problem with but don't want to spend extra time with - work colleagues particularly (who are kind of like classmates in a way).

i think you should just let her drift away from this friend if she wants to.

Thanks fluffles. You have a point there, but I don't think dd dislikes this girl. She was best mates with her til just a couple of weeks ago.

The only difficulty with this situation is that this used to be a threesome, if you know what I mean. The little girl involved would be gutted if she found out my dd wasn't friends with her any more. And, of course, dd has all the consistency of the average 8 year old. Won't hear a good word about her one day...won't hear a bad the next.

I guess the difficulty is the dynamic of the trio being split. That's what's hard to deal with.

I feel a bit like a bad guy not letting girl 3 come to our house to play. And I feel like the other mother might think I'm keeping dd away...which is exactly what isn't happening.

I don't think dd dislikes this child at all. She's just gone off her for now. And the hard thing is that she'll probably go on her again at some point and that's just another aspect to this.

It's not a major issue, but it is currently a dilemma. I worry about everyone's feelings, dd's included, but at the end of the day I can't engineer what dd does/thinks/wants to do. I appreciate all advice given though. It helps to give me another angle to look at.

From about age 7 onwards kids do start to get fussy with freinds, they go from being pals with everyone to having best freinds and flitting from group to group, girls are worse and take it all to heart and love to have a good bitch (just like their mums) and change liek the wind. I wouldn't worry too much.

Oh and I think it is time to pay just a little bit less attention to her freindships and back off a bit to let her get on with it, I mean that in the nicest possible way as I know how hard it can be to stand back and you huurt for them whenit doesn't even seem to bother them that much. My dd is 9.

Thanks Skramble. I think this is what I needed to some degree...some validation to say it's o.k. for me to step away from the friend car crash.

I know dd is getting more selective. She doesn't like playing with the boys any more and she can find half a dozen reasons for not playing with half the people she used to.

I just have to figure out now how to tackle the adults (so called) in the playground now. The mum of this girl in particular is very, very sensitive and will undoubtedly be reading all kinds of grudges and slights in what's happening. For that reason I'll probably flag up with a few mums DD's reluctance to play with one and all. Hopefully it'll get back to the mum without feeling too personal.

Kids, ah? Can't live with em...

I am so glad we live near enough to the school that DD makes her own way to school for a few years now.
The girl she considers to be her best freind is around mine an Granny's house more so we see more and she can take the lead a lot, DD has such a kind and gentle charactor that it can seem that she is being walk over, but I think DD is picking her battles, and cares little for the things me and granny get het up about.

I help at her Brownies and I really have to let her be one of the pack and not see all that stuff, I find it easier than Granny who helps as well.

DS also went through a bit of a hard time with friends, he came home fromone scout camp and the leader had a quiet word about some issues, as far as DS was concerned he had a ball and all the issues leader flagged up and I though were terrible for him (friends, who shared tents etc) went totally over his head and he didn't care, he loved that camp as much as any other.

Tells me I need to butt out and leave them to it.

Thanks for sharing Skramble. It's good to hear that other parents have similar issues and manage to sort things out, even if it's just by butting out

And your dd sounds a little like mine. She's tends not to get too het up about the things that I do, which leaves me in bits and her all in one piece, heading to the next crisis before I can get over the last one!

It's reassuring to know that I'd worry as much if I had two dc's too. I definitely try to overcompensate because dd is a one and only, so it's no wonder she's gotten playdate fatigue to some degree. And she can't stay in love with the whole class forever. It's just a shame...her dad was one of those kids at school that always had loads of friends and I was Billy Nomates...so I was hoping she'd take after him.

I think, as it is, she'll be a good blend of both of us. And at least she doesn't have my crippling self doubt and insecurities to hold her back. She'll probably make up some of her own though