newborn and 3.5 year old, please tell me it'll get better

[Rebecca41]

Help!!

DS1 is 3.5 years, DS2 is 2 weeks, and I'm feeling awful.

DS1 is very affectionate and loving to DS2, but is clearly feeling neglected. He gets upset when I'm feeding DS2, and is generally looking very low, not his usual cheerful self.

Relatives and friends help, but ultimately we're on our own (I'm a single parent, no paternal involvement).

I feel crippling guilt that I'm neglecting them both. DS1 has much less of me than before, and DS2 isn't having the lovely relaxed babyhood that DS1 had.

I'm starting to worry that it's going to be like this for years, because with this age gap it could be ages before they're able to benefit from eachother's company.

Can anyone reassure me that it'll get better?

Oh poor you - I completely sympathise with you as I felt exactly the same.

The age gap was less in my case - DS1 was 2.4 when DS2 was born but those first few weeks were just awful and I absolutely hated seeing my happy, constantly cheerful DS1 so low - I had never seen him like that and I felt terrible knowing that we had made him like that by deciding to have another baby.

But 6 months later, things are SO much better - DS1 returned to his normal sunny self within a few weeks of DS2 arriving and it has got gradually easier since then.

It is still not perfect as DS1 has a tendency to be quite boisterous with DS2 - but as DS2 gets bigger/stronger, he actually quite enjoys being dragged across the floor and giggles like mad at DS1

I really think you have to take one day at a time and just plod on....and then it will get easier and you will realise that life is kind of returning to normal.

Congrats on the arrival of your DS2

It will definitely get better! I also have 2 DS's but with a smaller gap - 23 months, but I remember feeling the way you are describing and it felt like I was on autopilot, just surviving the first 6 weeks but after that it got a LOT easier. You are definitely not neglecting them, it is a massive adjustment for your DS1 but he will get used to sharing you with DS2 and very soon they will be playing and laughing with each other. My two are 3.5 and 1.5 now and play together all the time, DS2 misses DS1 when he's at nursery and it makes my heart melt when they are chasing each other round the room giggling their heads off. Hope this makes you feel a bit better.

It will get better. I had a smaller age gap, but I do remember that dd was underwhelmed when ds was born. Initially looked at him in horror, then disinterested and a bit deflated. What helped her was my mother and other relatives making a big fuss of her (though that has had a knock on effect of my mother for example not really ever getting to know ds in the way she did with dd).

Also, I think you have to accept that younger children tend not to have the same babyhood as PFBs. And that that is not necessarily a bad thing. DS is much better at independent play and generally occupying himself than dd ever was. And also was much more chilled as a baby I think because he didn't have full-beam attention from the get-go. He had one on one time when dd was at pre-school, and she started 2 sessions a week when he was 8 weeks old. But obviously I had things to get on with, and was more confident and knew that I didn't have to go to red-alert at every whimper. Your younger child will have more time with you and only you when he is older and your oldest starts school. Now I would concentrate on your ds1 as much as possible, while obviously meeting ds2's basic needs. Things will settle down and fall into place as your newborn gets older, but your ds1 probably needs more reassurance than your ds2 of his place in your life IYSWIM.

Also remember that the first few months pass in a blur and before you know it you'll be more confident about addressing both of your children's needs.

I'm expecting No. 3 in September, and ds will be 4 and dd will be 6, and TBH while I am excited, I am dreading the first few months of settling into the new life and keeping the older 2 happy!

I vouch for the fact it does get a little better, mine are 22 months apart and the first 6-9months were hideous and resulted in ds2 being "locked" away being the stairgate in our room whilst asleep as ds1 wouldnt leave him alone and also hated me feeding him. it gets better, it just takes time.

Will get so much better. I had the same age gap (almost) with my dss and poor ds1 was stuttering with stress at one point I felt like the worst mother ever as I was getting a bit ratty with him, tired etc..

You're going to love having 2 close together very soon I promise

Try not to worry - crippling guilt is normal when DC2 comes along to knock the crown of the PFB!

Ask a relly to watch the baby for an hour while you make some cakes/go out to the park/play DS1's favourite game- just the two of you.

Start a little photo book all for your eldest - his fave games, books, places, people etc. He can put drawings etc in there too.
Give him a disposable camera to take pictures of you and his new baby brother. My DS loved to do all of this.

All he needs is reassurance.. and at this stage all the baby needs is feeding, changing and cuddles!

You have a good age gap and this early stage will pass a lot quicker than you think. They will very soon be best friends.

So try to relax and enjoy them both while they are so small and gorgeous..mindful that it will only get even better

Rebecca - sorry it seems such hard work at the moment. There is 3yrs and 3 months between ds2 and 3 and they did take a while longer to 'bond' as well as ds1 and 2 (22 months between them).

However, ds3 is now 2yr6mth and ds2 and 3 really love each other, have done for some time, and enjoy playing together, watch similar tv.

I know it's sad that subsequent children get less one-to-one than first born but my ds2 and ds3 are far more laid back and well adjusted than poor old neurotic, highly strung, quick to tears ds1 who is also clever and loving and a great big brother.

Rebecca I have 2 DSs - DS1 is 3 and DS2 is just seven weeks old - and I feel exactly as you do and posted almost an identical thread a few weeks ago!

Hope it helps to know that even a few weeks later it feels more manageable. Yes, they're both still quite neglected , but I have managed to spend some quality time with DS1 and am coming to accept that DS2 will inevitably be left to cry a few times when I'm in the middle of doing something else.

But it doesn't feel completely impossible or overwhelming any more.

Be easy on yourself, you can't be supermum all the time, and your eldest DS will be fine. He just needs to adjust in his own way - you can help him by acknowledging how he feels by saying things like 'It's annoying that I have to feed the baby so often, isn't it? Never mind, when the baby's a bit bigger I won't have to feed him so much and it will be easier, won't it?'

HTH

I found carrying DC2 in a sling/carrier helped. It meant we could go to the park, playgroup etc and I could join in with DC1 while DC2 invariably slept.

Good luck!

Oh poor you, I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

DD1 was 3yrs 10 months when dd2 arrived, and tbh I found the first 10 weeks pretty hard going. Probably bleakest at 6 weeks, feeling horribly guilty about not being able to cuddle dd1 when she wanted.

But it gets gradually easier. First of all when the baby starts to smile etc you will see (and ds1 will see, more to the point) how much he admires his big brother. My dd2 thinks dd1 is the most amazing person in the whole world, which I think has assured her a special place in dd1's heart!

dd2 is now 7 months, and the two of them roll around on the floor screaming with laughter while I watch nervously wondering whether it's all a bit too rough... Anyway it does get easier. Don't forget that while you're figuring out how to manage your relationships with each of them and divide yourself as fairly as possible, they will build a relationship of their own.

i distinctly remember weeping that i'd ruined dd1's life when dd2 came along... i think it's the same for most of us. give it a couple of months and you'll suddenly find all of your baby's firsts are directed at his big brother... you'll be totally out of the picture. dd2 worships her sister, it makes me so happy.

Mine are 2 and 6 months and I have felt everything you're feeling, but I have a lot of help. This:

"I feel crippling guilt that I'm neglecting them both. DS1 has much less of me than before, and DS2 isn't having the lovely relaxed babyhood that DS1 had."

is my main worry, and I worry about it all the time. I hope it does get easier. My dd2 is a bit slower than dd1, so sadly there is no rolling around on the floor laughing yet, she is very much a baby needing total care. Getting them out the house together feels like the hardest thing imaginable, but how else can you go out? I think what you're doing is incredibly difficult, and you should feel very proud of how you're managing, honestly, I applaud you, because I am hopeless at it and am not a single parent. Please don't feel guilty, they will both feel loved. I think first children can't help being sad when their mum's time is shared, but my parenting book says it's good for them to learn that the world doesn't totally revolve around them! What dd doesn't realise is that I would love it to revolve around her and would love to split myself in two right now.

Congrats. I second most of the things here....my DS is 2.10 years and Dd 16 weeks - I felt just the same way when DD was born and constantly guilty I wasn't paying him much attention and also would get really upset when he seemed out of sorts and I felt he just wasn't himself. Even when people came over I felt as though I was fobbing him off in favour of the baby. 16 weeks on and things have really settled down. We had a few sleep issues with DS too with him waking and he also decided to potty train so that didn't help - just makes them all a bit unsettled.

I found that not trying to do too much in the early days helps and if you all end up inside all day grubby and surviving then so be it. Sometimes though getting out the house even just for a walk so DC2 can snooze and you can interact with DC1 and get some fresh air helps. I also second the sling option. When you need sometimes to do things for DC1 and DC2 is being a bit fussy you can sort of please everyone at once ....(well of a fashion!)...

Oh, and when it all gets too much, flop on the sofa, put your feet up and turn on cbeebies cuddled up with baby and toddler. I am a telly nazi and we have "rules" but I tell DS it's an "extra special treat" and don't expect telly before lunch everyday

It really does get better honestly. DS loves his little sister and is really affectionate to her and now I don't think he could envisage life without her. They spent their first night together away at Grannies last night and had a lovely time !!......