The title sounds a little harsh, I know, but I was just being succint. Okay, a more descriptive version...
I'm asking about my nephew, who is 3 years 5 months. I've been googling all over the place and got nothing so far because my search isn't specific enough, but it's a bit complicated to describe...
Basically, there are a lot of problems with his behaviour but what is really troubling his mum and I at the moment [I spend a lot of time with my niece & nephews, will 'parent' when needed] is his 'tuning out'.
When he's happy, he'll make eye contact no problem, will converse, will answer questions with sentences. However, as soon as he thinks he's being told off [even with a simple, "Did you _ ?" question, in a completely non-judgemental tone of voice, he switches off. You can see him literally glazing over. He will drop his head, turn it away or even close his eyes to stop from looking at you.
That drives his mum mad, but I can cope with it because I figure if it makes it easier for him not to look at me, fine. But he seems completely unable to answer simple questions when in this mode, and we can't work out if he's choosing not to answer or literally cannot hear/understand the question [because he has tuned out, out of...fear? Confusion?].
For example, today he told me he'd finished his dinner and I asked him if he'd eaten any of his chips. He said no. I asked him if he could try one. I could see him literally just falling into a trance. He just switches off from the world. I tried to wait it out figuring he might eventually try to offer something [my fuse is a lot longer than his mom's and she'll usually send him to bed soon after, but I wanted to see if he'd do anything else when given the time].
After a couple of minutes [and having to move into the kitchen away from the distractions of his siblings] I asked him what I'd asked him to do. He stared blankly at me for a few seconds then away again. I waited a bit then asked the question again, adding that if he couldn't remember or didn't know, that was okay, he just had to say so. Nothing.
His mom then got involved and said to him, "When an adult asks you to do something, you do it." [Well, that was the cut down version.] He looked at her [because she'd told him to] and sort of nodded, but I asked immediately after, "What did mummy just say to you?"
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I repeated the phrase, then asked the question. Nothing. "I am going to say it once more, and I want you to tell me what I said." I did. "I am going to count to three, and if you can't tell me, you'll go to bed. One, two-" "Can't remember." [The first thing he's said in about five loooong minutes, remember.] "Okay, that's fine. We'll do it one word at a time. You say it after me. When." Blank stare. "I'm going to count to three, and if you can't say it when I get to three, you'll go to bed. When. One-" I got to three. He went to bed. Immediately we started to go, he burst into whining.
He's also being toilet trained at the moment [ugh, don't ask] and was sitting on the toilet earlier when his mom went in and found the floor wet. She told him that wee goes in the toilet, he knows that and accidents are okay but he'd been in the toilet for a good five minutes before he actually sat on it, so that was not an accident. His sister then handed me the new toy I put in there today which is supposed to be full of water...except it wasn't. I pointed this out and his mom apologised to him, and reminded him that just because she's mommy doesn't mean that's always right, and he can tell her when she's in the wrong. He sat with his head down the entire time.
[Not wanting to tell mommy when she's wrong definitely isn't an issue of mommy getting angry at that because his older brothers point that out all the time, and she apologises and concedes when she forgot something or contradicted herself or whatever. The four year old also corrected nursery teachers a year ago. So this isn't something he's learned is a bad idea, but something he's choosing not to do.]
We've recently been trying to teach him to ask for things rather than demand them, too. Most requests go, "Me want biscuit mom." [His speech was quite delayed; you could have entire nonverbal conversations with him as a two year old but he only started speaking when he turned three. He understood tons though - seems like he understood more then than he does now.] The amount of times we've said recently, "What do you say if you want something?"... He remembers, "Please," and we agree that's right but when you ask what else or what the question is he'll either say nothing or throw in 'mom' or 'thank you'. Even getting his brother to join in - "What would you say if you wanted a biscuit, Conner?" "Can I have a biscuit please?" - only works half the time. It's like getting blood out of a stone.
I am totally prepared to repeat this a thousand times a day if that's what he NEEDS, but we can't figure out if he's doing it because he likes the attention and/or thinks it's funny to get us to repeat ourselves. If he literally cannot understand the information [and it's not a case of retention - this is repeating a word RIGHT AFTER you've said it] then that's something we need to get help with, because it sounds like something more serious. If it's a case of he can't be arsed to say anything then he'll just have to make that choice and deal with the consequences.
I did wonder today if it was that he just finds it easier to let an adult choose for him than to make the choice himself, even if the consequence is bad. Today after dinner I know he understood the question because as soon as I counted the first time he jumped in with, "Can't remember," so he clearly saw that as a way out, which I'd given him a minute or so before. He avoided being sent to bed. But with one word at a time, he obviously can't use that, so he chose to say nothing and ended up in bed.
I am aware of the phenomenon of selective hearing [his older brother was excellent at it until recently when he started to discover that if he couldn't make the choice, we would make it for him] but the way he just literally switches off seems to be so much more drastic. He isn't being shouted at, he's being asked questions, sometimes as simple as yes/no, he's not being asked to make eye contact, and he just can't or won't respond, until you say, "Okay, /consequence/," and then it's, "No, NO!" and the whining.
Sorry, that was incredibly long and probably over-detailed but I just wanted to give a few examples. Has anyone experienced this sort of extreme thing before, and what did you do about it? Do we carry on with standard discipline [time out, losing treats, etc] and hope it kicks in, repeating ourselves ad nauseum, or does he really have trouble focusing for whatever reason that we need to get help with?