Help - DS's friend keeps hurting him - what would you do??

[babypringle]

DS1 is 2.9, and I am part of a group of mums who all have similar aged children.
One of the children is the group has always had a bit of a vicious streak. She went through a biting phase, and for the last 6+ months she has been deliberately hitting and scratching the other children if she is frustrated / wants attention / wants a toy etc.
For some reason she seems particularly 'attracted' to DS. Today she wanted a toy he was playing with, he held on to it so she went for his face, leaving a 4cm scratch just below his eye. She has scratched him in a similar way on several other ocassions, including one on his cheek which has left a scar.
The girl's mum is proactive about telling her off etc, and I have no criticisms of her parenting style. She is also a good friend.
I am totally lost about what to do. DH is really pissed off with the situation and would like me to stop DS coming into contact with this child. But this doesn't seem the solution for lots of reasons - we often meet as part of a larger group so DS would not see any of his little friends, and DS usually wants to see her.
Any suggestions for how to deal with this situation without offending the other mum??

anyone??

My advice would be to have a word with her. Tell her that dh has voiced his concern and that the situation is becaoming frustrating, then see if SHE can come up with a solution.

My friend used to have this problem with her similarly aged child. She used to immediately take him home, even if they had just arrived at someone's house for tea, or were at toddler group, with a calm explanation that if he did that, they had to go. He learnt not to do it quite quickly.

Before I opened this thread I was thinking "wonder if this is a 3 year old?"

My DS is a bit "pushy" to his friends I'm embarrassed to say. Playgroup have been "helping him to express his need to join in, in a more appropriate way".

Guess the little girl will grow out of this - she is very little still.

Can you/the other mum try hovering a bit around and if you see a situation brewing, jump in and kind of de-fuse it e.g. say "Did you want that toy Peter's got, Sally? If you ask nicely he will probably let you have a turn in a minute won't you Peter?" After a bit she may learn she doesn't have to be rough to get attention?

On one level she probably does like him and want to be friends, as far as a 2.9 year old can understand. Would be a shame to split up a group who may be good mates in the future.

Hi, babypringle,
My ds had this with a little girl his age when they were 18months-30 months. She hurt alot of people but had a special eye for him. Like you, I liked her Mum and most of the time I liked the girl. She has grown out of it with a very rigid removal from the room every time she touched anyone too strongly. No attention for poor behaviour. She was also not made to say sorry because the whole fuss around apologising seemed to encourage her. She has learned not to do it or grown out of it, hard to tell which, but she is now delightful, very caring and plays beautifully.
On the other hand, another of ds's friends has always pushed him (as a way of trying to get him to play rather than out of malice) and it upsets my ds so much he wets himself for at least a week after we see him. Wehave now stopped seeing him. It looked like never changing.
I suppose it depends how much it affects your child. I used to get ds to practice a bit of self-defence and saying firmly, 'No, don't hit' before seeing either child but it only worked with the little girl.

i would just voice out myself play nicely no hitting

and try and distract where possible

don't be afraid to speak up yourself as long as you don't shout or look genuinely pissed off no hard feelings will come with the other person as if someone gets cross with our children whether they were in the wrong or not we automatically get defensive

so just no so and so is playing with that now you have it when his finished and laugh it off how they always want what someone else has

and just say play nice come on lets go see what else we can find it may just be an attention thing if mum doesn't react maybe trying to get a reaction

praise any good playing oh arent you playing nicely with everyone good girl hopefully she'll enjoy the praise and leave your ds alone

It's a balance between keeping the friendships going, socialing your ds and his friend, and protecting your ds. We had a similar situation: the Mum was dealing with it well I thought, but it was taking time to resolve. So I always sat with ds when he was near her just in case and a couple of times I caught a little arm on its way to do some damage, just as mum was swiftly coming over to remove and deal with it.

(Would have been better I think for Mum to be the bodyguard, but hey ho, all OK now!)

I would imagine the mum is mortified with her behaviour. My ds1 was a biter until aged 3 - it was a nightmare. I was always one step behind him. It really does impair on your social activities. I would tactfully and privately talk to your friend. You could suggest that maybe she could explain to the other mums she is experiencing this behaviour and ask them all to help keep an eye on him when you are in a group situation. I personally would remove the child from the room as soon as she does anything undesirable and give her 'time out'. As young as she is, she should soon get the message.

This is a major part of learning to socialise and being able to handle group situations. Kids are so different. I look at my lovely, sensitive 12yo now and I can't believe he put me through all that ....