encouraging independent free play in 4.5 year old

[vajdajuli]

I am struggling with trying to get my 4.5 year old son to play on his own. I have tried all the tips that I could find on the net and in various books, nothing works. First of all, he very rarely shows interest in toys as such. Even as a baby or as a toddler, rather, he would only be interested in things around the house, never sat and played with some toy. Secondly, if he is willing to play, it is only with others (us, friends, granny, etc..) mostly board games or maybe lego.
Another thing that I am concerned about is the (for me) apparent absent of role play...you know lets pretend, I am the fireman, the builder, the magician, whatever...I know that he does play moms and dads in the kindergarten, but he never talks about it, or about any other games he might play there.

Another concern which is closely related is that unfortunately I have issues with close members of my husband's family about video games and TV. I am constantly having to fight for my children not to be exposed to non-appropriate games and programs, and I know that when I am not present, they let him play with these games and watch these shows. Apart from harming him, this also teaches him to do things behind my back and to lie to me, and I really don't know what I could do to stop this. The problem is that I come from a different country and I have nobody here, so my children get very little from my side of the family. I am also dependent my husbands family in every way, including financials.

So the only role-play I see is fighting...he is not violent by nature and certainly not violent to others, that I know from speaking to caretakers in the kindergarten. STill, apart from being afraid of violence I am also concerned about him missing out on healthy, imaginative play, literacy, etc...

What I am able to do, and I do that, I talk to him a lot, make conversation, I read him many stories, sometimes during the day, and every night before going to bed as well. I try to engage in free play as well, to give him ideas, but he is not willing to do these on his own, he asks me to play these games with him on the next occasion. I am also worried that I am not creative enough and am not able to really light up his interest.

I would be so grateful if someone could give my advice, I am really desperate....it is almost a situation on which I stand on one side and his family on the other (we have issues also with junk food and sleep times), and my husband, although he agrees with me generally, doesn't support me openly.

in my question by video games I meant computer games, those that are accessible online.

I was in the exact same situation with dd a year ago. She would just break toys around her rather than play with them. She would come out from her room every 2 minutes asking for me. I tried to initiate pretend play with her, invent games, start a party with our toys ... nothing really worked. The only thing she could invent with her toys was the baby who was not listnening to her as a mama, so sho would end up distroying the doll, punishing 'her'.
You mention about TV ... a huge concern of mine too. But what i did was combining the two of them (of course DD would get to weatch the TV programe we would choose as appropriate). Anyway, the TIME GAME worked like this: if she would spend a number of minutes in her room, playing a NICE game with her toys, she would get to watch TV the exact same amount of time. It took us a long time to start her spending time in her room (not to say playing, but it's a start) and we seem to be on the right way. Same strategy might work with the computer games (DD is not allowed to touch our computers though, i do think it is way too early).

Maybe he just isn't ready to play on his own?

I don't think it is something you can make them do TBH.

Does he play happily with a friend?

3littlefrogs, i, too, don't think there is not much one can do to make them act this or that way, but i do believe there is a lot one can do to teach them/ help them do certain things. just not being 'ready' might lead you into waiting and waiting for ever for your child to be ready for a certain thing instead of just trying to give him options and teaching him different ways.

I am trying believe me, not to make him, but to encourage him, but it is all in vain. I don't think though that at 4.5 he cannot be ready to play at least for a little while on his own. Even if I am sitting next to him, on the couch lets say, he refuses...if one might think that really his problem would be that he doesn't like to be alone (which of course he doesn't). I try to think positive, but I still don't think that at his age this is normal.

Oh, 3littledogs, sorry I haven't answered your question: Yes, he does like to play with friends, which is important, he cannot be on his own, playing independently. Ever.

vajdajuli Please try not to worry. He sounds just like my DS2. It was quite a shock after DS1 who was abnormally (I now realise) happy to play on his own.

Your son is not that unusual, though it is a pain!

As my son has got older, (just turned 6) he has developed an interest in toys, but not that much. He much prefers to play with other children, preferably more than one, which means he loves school. Also, now he can read, he will do so quite willingly by himself, and also do things like quiz books, simple crosswords, sudoku, drawing on his own.

Also, he loves listening to story CDs in his room.

He is also into power rangers type role play (though he has seen this only once or twice). This does not result in actual violence though.

I share your concern about the violent computer games and TV - if my DS2 was allowed to, this is what he'd be drawn to. I let him play on the Cbeebies website, but in a very limited way.

If your DH supports you, then he must help you with his relatives more!

Sorry, meant to say - you have a right to get on and do what you need to, and not have to play with him all the time. DS2 used to have tantrums if I was busy and refused to play with him - I would then send him to his room, and after a few minutes fuss, he would settle down and find something to do - but it was as if he had to be FORCED into it.

I don't know of this was "right", but it felt like it was to me, and in the long run it has helped. Don't let your worries make him able to manipulate you. I am sure he CAN play on his own, it's just he prefers not to !

screamingabdab, thanks for the encouraging words, it really seems that our sons a very similar. This is exactly what he does as well...I mean role playing out Power Rangers which is one of the programs I absolutely forbid him to see but he gets to see it whenever he wants at his grandmother's. I am not so strict about computer games, I simply made research of the appropriate websites and games, because there are wonderful things for small children as well...I am very strict about the amount of time he can spend doing these things, and of course the computer is in mine, in my study and he is always monitored while playing. Still, all this effort goes to nothing if family members who are very close to him, having considerable influence on him, do the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

My husband doesn't like conflicts and is very bad dealing with these things, esp. if it means dealing with his mother. They always tell me, it's ok for boys to play aggressive games, because they have to express their "natural agressiveness". I know that there is some truth in this, but why can't we just stay with, you know, the wolf ate the rabbit...kind of stuff.

Yes, I don't give in, meaning that I don't sit down and play with him when I am busy, I get do what I have to do. His technique is not tantrums...he starts talking to me, asking me questions, or playing games which don't require me to actually stop what I am doing but just to answer back....if I am doing house work that is something I have to do, I can't say I am not answering you...so in the end I am involved, and by the time I know it I engage in conversation...which doesn't necessarily disturb me in what I have to do, but just annoys me that he just cannot be on his own. I am very sorry to feel annoyed by him, but this is what this does to me.

Sorry, not much time to answer at the moment:

Please don't feel guilty - some kids would try the patience of a saint !

I think, when they are under 6 or 7, which is a more reasonable age to expect self entertainment (without adult input), it really is a case of planning what you need to do, so that when they are awake and around, you do things they can help with.

You have to go with the flow, rather than fight against it IYSWIM. So, for example, if I am cooking, small person stands on chair beside me and does something safe, and we chat or sing. No point in thinking you are going to be able to send them away, while you do something at your normal speed. It is unrealistic IMO.

Or - if I am folding laundry, small person matches up the socks, sorts into colours etc.

The risky tasks get done when they are in bed.

I totally agree with you about the violent games/programmes/junk food. However, that is not your ds's responsibility, neither is it his fault.
It is an issue you have to sort out with the adults.

Don't confuse the two issues - they are quite separate IMO.

He sounds like a perfectly normal little boy for his age TBH. All he wants is your company and your attention. He will be at school before you know it, then you will have more time to get on with what you want to do. The time goes really fast, I promise.

Have you tried the: you play while I do x, then we'll do y together? Start doing it for five minutes, then gradually build to half an hour? + boys fight playing/ role play, well I know what you mean, but I thought long and hard about it, and let DS do sword/ fight pretend play, super hero fighting stuff because he's using his imagination and acting things out. I would never let him hurt anyone, or actually hit. Equally if I thought he actually wanted to kill, maim or destroy, then I wouldn't let him, but that's not what's going on imo. I've come to the conclusion that it is something he needs to work through and understand in increments. I also think there's a definite positive to it in that he's using his imagination and working out good v evil, etc, etc. Must admit though, I haven't had to face the horrors of computer games yet.

Changed my nickname from vajdajuli

I feel that some of you may have got the impression that my problem is that I don't have peace because of his behaviour. That is not the case. I think that he needs to be able to learn to entertain himself, keep himself busy, make up, pretend, etc... I firmly believe that at his age he should be able to do this, obviously not all the time, but at least for a short time, even 15 minutes per day. I personally know many children who have no problem with that, some of them a lot younger than he is.

Second thing, to 3littlefrogs, I have not confused this issue with the violence and have never blamed my son for it. I also spend a lot of time with him, playing with him, he even has his own special time with his mummy every evening after the llittle one goes to bed, with quiet play and stories.

Thanks smee, yes, we've tried the you play and I do, and then....he just cannot find anything for himself to do on his own...and the fighting role play I wouldn't mind, if it would actually be the only thing he is doing, if he's playing at all.

I still think Frogs has got a point and some kids don't get this until later - it's a personality thing. still though at four he should be able to let you have ten minutes to yourself. Howabout turning it into a game? Tell him he can choose what he does, but he has to choose and he has to let you get on with whatever with no interruptions. Put the kitchen timer on, let him set it. If he manages it, he gets a treat - or do a star chart with a reward if he gets so many stars, etc. Once he's got the hang of that - ie knows he can do it, you can build it/ drop the treats.

Thanks, I'll try the timer, he is absolutely obsessed with time and numbers, that may just get this whole thing going. Thanks again.

I'm lucky in that my ds1 (4.4) wil play alone and always has, but I must admit he never watched tv until he was about 2, and as he got older and started to watch more i noticed a dramatic change in the amount of imaginitive play he wanted to do, so I immediately cut the tv down, and he enjoys playing again. Therefore I really feel for you that your family(in laws etc) aren't being supportive of your views re:tv and computer games etc. Of course it's nice that children watch television sometimes, but I agree that it's important for it to be age appropriate. Is there any way your husband would talk o his family on your behalf? Surely he'll be able to see that this is a real concern to you and impacts on your ds's development?! If he won't you may have to really stress to them yourself that you think it is affecting your ds.

Also, does he have a particular kind of toy he likes? Eg-my ds is obsessed with trains & as a result will play with his train set for hours on end. (Although maybe I'm lucky in that respect.) I do have friends with children that won't play alone, but they watch a lot of television and play on nintendo ds's & wii's so i think there is a link!!! (Sorry if this seems a bit rambly or preachy, is not meant to be either)

dancingmummy, I too think there can be a link to too much tv, so not able to play alone, but not always so. DS didn't watch tv at all until nearly three, and he does loads and loads of imaginative play - in fact that's pretty much all he does. Give him a train set or similar though and it holds him for about five minutes if that. It's just who he is. They're all so so different.

Very true smee, they are all different, but i think less tv means they find that imaginitive play comes more naturally maybe? Obv i'm no expert though.

Haven't a clue dancingmummy - I'm a big believer in kids being a bit bored, so having to fill the time themselves. TV can easily stop that, but equally so can parents filling days with endless activities.

I dont fill his days with 'endless activities'. Also i only used trains as an example hence the 'eg' in earlier post. I didn't say 'trains will help every child play alone'

Just another thought Lovesofmylife, have you seen the books around that have wipeable pens with them, there is number writing and time telling ones, i wonder if they encourage him to play alone if he likes numbers etc?

I do think a lot of it is down to the child's personality. I have 3 dds, two (dd1 and dd3) have played alone quite easily from the age of about 18 months. But dd2, who's nearly 8 now, still can't really. She does have a lot of imagination but likes to play with people, or talk to people. She still seems unable to actually just go off and play alone. I don't think it's anything we've done, my other two are quite different. She's also the one who pesters for the tv and is constantly wanting new activities. It's a pain.

She has got a bit better as she's got older, she will do craft, or cooking, or reading on her own, but even then she likes to do lots of activities in quick succession. Unlike her chilled out low key sisters.

dancingmummy, honestly I wasn't talking about you. It was a generalised comment about the way some parents structure time, but not directed at you in any way. I can't quite see why you thought it was, but still sorry, sorry, sorry - really didn't mean to cause offence..

Sorry everyone, I was out for a few days, didn't get to see your advice and comments...I also suspected that TV has something to do with it, so I myself limit watching TV as well as computer games. I limit them in time and also in appropriateness. My husband...gosh, I don't know. I just feel like I'm talking to the wall sometimes. I think, he's probably concerned about me being upset about this to a certain extent, and understands my point, but he doesn't think these issues are as pressing as they are. I don't think he make that connection between tv, computers and child development. (Now that I come to think of it, he's a computer freek himself...why would he...)

By the way DS1 didn't get to see TV, I mean regularly, until 2, but then again, heaven knows...what he was up to at granny's...I did show him some children's DVDs, only age-appropriate ones, when I was sitting next to him and talking with him about them (he was a very early talker), but I did this so that I could ensure he speaks my mother tongue as well as my husband's. The DVDs were in my mothertongue.

I don't know. I'll try talking to DH about this again...try to come up with some plan:

1. dealing with his family
2. encouraging new kinds of play at home.

Thanks, again, for all of you.