23 month old hates me - finding it hard to keep positive!

[HellHathNoFury]

My 23 month old has always 'known what he wants', and I have never been the favourite, he's always been a Daddy's Boy, but he's getting worse as he gets older, for example:

He will never, ever cuddle me unless he thinks it can get him out of bedtime

He will scream blue murder at me if I try and dress him/change his nappy

If I touch him or hold his hand crossing the road or whatever, he will yank it away and shout 'no mummy!'

Often he will refuse to look at me and turn away if I look at him

but just lately he has started saying 'no mummy!' if I look at him, last night over dinner I was watching him eat and he yelled 'no mummy!' and I carried on looking at him (oh come on, I can't be bullied by a 2 year old, right?!) and then he broke down into tears because I wouldn't stop looking at him.

I do find it difficult, obviously, sometimes I get strict and lay down the law, sometimes I just give in and wonder why the hell I bother.
DH takes it very badly indeed and gets very upset that his son seems to hate his mother.

Generally we just ignore it and DH tries to give me lots of affection in the hope that DS will see that his beloved father thinks it's ok to like me so maybe he will too.
I feel like giving up.

You poor thing. I'm sure your ds doesn't hate you!
My ds1 has always favoured his dad over me, or anyone really. I put it down to the fact that I am always here with him. I'm a SAHM and dp goes out to work, so ds1 takes full advantage of his dad being at home and will mostly ignore me at these times.
I think it's just a natural phase really, they want the independence of doing things on their own dn't they?
My ds1 flaps his arms around and screams blue murder if I try to hold his hand and guide him out of the kitchen!
I fully understand how it's hard though. At first I found it really hard, becuse I was doing all the hard work looking after ds1 24/7 and I wasn't getting any reward from him for it, all his attentions were on his dad.
It has passed though, and although he still favours his dad out of the 2 of us, I think it'd be the other way round if dp was at home and I went to work.

It sounds normal to me!!

Stick to your guns, ignore any "bad" behaviours that arent acceptable and when he is good or has not made a fuss give him loads of praise..

hes at the age where he will be exerting his independance which is challenging in its self.

He does not hate you! It sounds like he's a totally normal toddler, testing boundaries because he feels safe and secure with you.

Lots of young children hate being dressed or having their nappy changed - my daughter (just turned two) usually starts trying to kick me when I change her nappy. I think it's just that she doesn't like being all helpless on her back - she's very independent. And my friend was telling me just the other day that her daughter has developed a thing about being looked at, and mine definitely doesn't like it when she's in a strop, especially when she's woken up from an afternoon nap and I've stupidly tried to cajole her out of her mood rather than just leave her to it. I wouldn't get into a stare-out; as you've found, that'll just wind him up more.

Your husband isn't helping really by perpetuating this wrong-headed idea that your son hates you, and the pointed displays of affection will probably just make your son feel left out.

Generally speaking though - I promise you he'll grow out of it, as littleboyblue has said.

Thanks for the advice.

My mum tells me it's because I don't care for him enough, which is in total contradiction of littleboyblue, but quite frankly I am inclined to ignore my mother

DH and I both work full time but DH is DEFINATELY the favourite.

DS hits me, spits at me, throws food at me. None of it is tolerated believe me and once he has done it once he doesn't do it again - but I can't help but wonder, why does he only do this stuff to ME?!

Family say 'oh he does love you, he asks for you when you're not here', which is little consolation really as he also asks for the gas meter man when he's not here either.

lazyemma, really interesting that your friends daughter has just developed a thing about being looked at - it's that behaviour that gets to me most.

Sometimes he can be cajoled out of it, but I remember being cajoled out of things when I was little and I never liked it, so I try to make a point of not doing it myself.

This parenting lark is hard work eh

Well, I don't think this belongs to the normal category. I mean all children have their phases of some sort of independence-expression, and it would be perfectly normal to see this behavior randomly, or esp. towards other people. But to experience it all the time, at such a level and only to Mum...I am not at all sure it is normal.
I don't think it would do harm to ask a professional...without involving the little one of course...just to see what they think.

fury, you know about my issues with DD and we get a lot of this as well; although her ire is directed equally at both of us. She screams "get offa me" if we try and hold her hand crossing roads, although a bit of a scare with a big lorry with squeaky brakes (I had a firm hold, but the lorry driver was obv just being cautious) has made her a lot more compliant in that department!! Nappy change time has become a nightmare, as is getting her in (and then out again!) of the buggy, and getting dressed in the morning. Basically everything that needs compliance from her.

Most of what you say sounds normal, but I'm not sure about the eye contact thing.....perhaps a word with your HV?

I'm wondering if the pregnancy is having anything to do with it as well at the minute. My sister's DS was about this age when she was pregnant with her No2 and he got really aggressive towards her and wanted his Dad to do everything for him. He also kicked and punched her bump a few times. Her HV said this is pretty normal behaviour because they are aware of the new baby and are struggling with the concept that they may not be loved any more. He did it with me as well when I was pregnant with DS1 and I was reassured to know that it was because he loved me and felt secure with me!

Fury Your pregnant? Congratulations.
I fell pregnant when ds1 was 9 months and my hv said he'd probably become more clingy or go the other way and push me aside because he would either be frightened for what is happening to mummy, or find someone else to cling to before I could push him away iyswim.
I think at this age, it's all about survival for them, they don't understand feelings, they don't fully understand love or dislike or are at all aware how their behaviour can be hurtful and upsetting.
I was talking to a dad friend of mine the other day about this, he is the main care provider and his wife works. He says when his wife is at home it's almost like his dd hates him, I told him I thought it was possibly because she feels confident enough that he isn't going anywhere but is testing him. I think his dd does it to see how far she can push him and have him come back iyswim. She is 25 months.
I'm sure it's the same situation for you.

I think some of it is him feeling neglected actually... I just went out with him and he was a total angel with me (DH was there as well)... and the only difference is I gave him more of myself.

I am just not sure. I will try making more of a fuss of him and see what happens!