Help - new baby and toddler, how does this work?!

[sizeofahouse]

I have a ten day old dd and a 21 month old ds. He has been wonderful with her, very interested in 'baby', asking to see her all the time and kissing her head, touching her. But.. in the last couple of days has started to be rougher. If he doesn't get his way he will headbang, but has done it on the baby's pillow where she is lying, and today whilst 'kissing' her head took a nip! I feel so torn, I know he is only a baby himself and know its just toddler behavior but I can't bear for my dd to be hurt, and my dh and I know that is our priority of course. We have decided not to let him touch her, its hard but things can happen so quickly from a stroke to a smack and I'm terrified he might really hurt her. Has anyone got experience of this, what did you do?? He is a dearest boy, and still really too little to understand what's going on. Please please any answers would be much appreciated. Thanks!

HI, not sure if i can really help, but my ds was 21mths old when my ds2 was born.
I will say it wasn't easy and jelousy is a real problem for them when they are that little.
I think you just need to give your son as much play time just him and mummy when dd is sleeping.
I know that this is very exhausting, but i think you'll find he then won't have quite as much of a problem when you are feeding etc...
I found that i soon learnt the art of feeding the baby whilst ds1 was under my other arm having a hug whilst reading him a story, i think it helped as he had to share me with his brother.
I hope things sort out, i'll be coming back to see how you're doing.
Keep smiling!

I think at this age he is old enough to understand a firm "no".
You would never forgive yourself if something more serious happened

Hi I just wanted to reasure you that it does calm down give it a couple more days for the excitement and newness to wear of and things should get easier, hes just testing at the moment.

Hi, I agree with xena, it does get easier as time goes on. My 2 are 16 months apart and ds1 was always trying to poke the baby. It was very difficult but it just got better as time went on.

Hi, mine are a age similar gap and gender split s yours and I have to say the first few months were a bit of a nightmare! Ds didn't take to dd at all - lots of poking, aggressive proding, sulking etc. I asked a v similar question on here and received lots of words of wisdom - the one I particularly remember was that it would get better esp when dd got old enough to be happily bossed about by ds ie 'get in cupboard, I'm going to find you... etc...'.

Well, it did get better. DS and DD (now 3.5 and nearly 2) still have their moments but mostly play happily together. In the meantime, give as much attention as possible to your DS - make sure he knows he is special and loved (I'm sure you're doing that anyway) while still putting your foot down about any potential violence!! He'll get used to the situation soon enough and come to love his sister.

Honestly, the benefits of having them so close together will come - in time!

Thanks alot. DS is also having screamers in the
middle of the night, totally unlike him - inconsolable. Of course we don't know if its new baby or just teeth, his talking is good but he can't tell us things like that yet. I also had a section so can't pick him up, have been doing his nappy and stuff but we can't do the usual things until I'm recovered. DH has been wonderful, going out and doing normal play things, I'm gonna try and go out with them this week as much as I can to try and get things back to normal, but its still difficult - DS weighs over 30lbs. So hard, feel so torn. Luckily DH is off for a month and is ace, then my mother is here for a week but still really feel the need to install normality, me and toddler going out together everywhere as soon as poss. Phew.

There were 21 months between ours. We didn't get any nips or pinches with dd, but she was nose out of joint and jealous for a while.

We just kept telling her that baby ds loved her and thought that she was wonderful (I know seems ridiculous when he was a newborn - but she bought it!). We found that this positive propaganda really helped.

Would also ask her to pass me a wipe etc when changing him and praise her for being a big clever girl and all that jazz.

hello sizeofahouse we had something similar with dd when ds2 was born. DS1 had been fine with baby dd so it was a bit of a shock.
DD was 22 mo when DS2 appeared and we did everything by the book (ie mummy has time to cuddle toddler, special time with older child etc to dispell any jealousy) but still she was quite aggressive to him. It got so that I couldn?t really leave them alone together without her pushing him over/hitting him etc (not saying yr ds is doing this btw).
In the end we had to use discipline, I do think that this is old enough for it to have some merit, esp as dd was very chatty and certainly knew what we were talking about.
It?s 2 yrs ago now so memory has faded a bit (!) but we certainly spoke sharply to her, used time out and naughty step etc if we felt she was doing it on purpose.
If an accident then I still think you can ask a toddler to say sorry and talk to them about any hurt they have caused the baby.
They are really sweet together now btw in fact only yesterday she was playing a colour-match game with him so sweetly, explaining what to do etc while ds1 read to his dad and I washed the pots.
hth

Hi size.
It's so hard isn't it? I think second time round it's much less about dealing with a new baby but manaing the relationship between your two children.

It doesn't sound as though your ds is being malicious to me - just testing out 'what will happen if i....'So I wouldn't ban your ds from touching the baby. I'd let him do it when you are supervising and try and lead it a bit. We got our ds to tickle dd's feet - she loved it and it kept him at that end rather than near her head! Also playing boo with her, showing her his toys, singing to her. It gets easier when the little one is old enough to smile and respond and you can say with perfect truth 'she loves you, she does her best smiles for you'. We also made things together for my dd - wavy sticks with coloured paper to wave at her, a (v amateur) mobile for her room) Lots of involvement too when you are bathing and changing the baby - even very little ones can get involved passing wipes and nappies etc. Of course never leave them alone together and if he is a bit rough a firm 'no' and removing him - ie putting him down on the floor- should get the message across.

And agree with everyone else on the thread - get as much help as you can with the baby so you can spend as much time as possible with your ds. Your dd doesn't need you yet in quite the same way (that will come!!)

Good luck - two is great. Mine are 5 and 2.5 and adore each other.

Yes my two (13 months and 2.10) are really loved up too. I'm sure you will be able to say the same about yours soon.

Thanks everyone! Just got back to this thread at last to have a look. Better days since, DS is doing really well and we have done time out on touching the baby and he seems to accept that, like its a clearer line about what he can and can't do with her. I like the tickling toes idea - thanks, just keep him away from head-butting her. Don't know how its going to work when DH goes back to work, DD likes to feed alot and sleep on my chest when she can, although going out morning she seems to sleep so we'll be doing that. Gotta go, DD is all snot and needs feeding - isn't two kids wonderful madness!

Hello everyone, I am in the same boat, baby 10 weeks (ds2), toddler 2 (ds1) last week. I had a section and my mum helps me a lot with ds1 as she looks after him while I work anyway for three days a week. She has continued to look after him/take him out in the same way but I feel terrible about this and feel that i should get a grip. I seem to be able to cope fine with one child at a time but feel overwhelmed and useless with two and guilty and confused about which one to attend to first. The idea of going out for more than about an hour with them both terrifies me as ds1 goes mental when I try and sit and breastfeed d2 and ds2 cries when I am trying to run after/amuse/give dinner to etc ds1. Husband not that much help but now he has gone away for a week. Help, can't stand tandem crying -Having one was mostly fairly serene...