What do you do if your 4 yr old won't stay in timeout?

[halia]

DS has huge temper tantrums - and when he is angry he hits and yells (both timeout offences anyway) and can be incredibly destructive.
He likes attention so the logical thing is timeout but he won't stay put. I can't hold him in place (he is too strong - of course i could force him to stay still but the amount he kicks, struggles and bites it would end up wth me hurting him)
If I leave him in a room he will destroy things (and there is no room thats safe to leave him in unattended.
If I stay in the room with him he will destroy things or kick me.

help!

ohhh, like the idea of the calm down box... maybe we could try and wean boy off a dummy and onto a more socially acceptable soother for a big boy.... must think about this.

UniS...we have also added the odd favourite toy (and a cuddly toy) to keep it fresh. But we have to be careful in how we use it..it shouldn't be used to 'reward' a tantrum...but only given to ds to once he has stopped hitting or doing whatever it is that has started the tantrum.

It's also good for pre-empting a tantrum..when we can see one brewing the box can sometimes distract him enough to prevent a full blown tantrum. (Sadly not always though )

I've come up with something else I'm going to try. DS likes having special things (magic cream etc) so I bought some bach rescue remedy, the idea is to use it as special 'medicine' to help him calm down. I like the idea of the calm down box as well. He does like tactile things. Photo's as well. Actually I already use that - I whip out the digital camera and take snapshots of him or even a mini video clip - he ALWAYS wants to see it and it often breaks the cycle.

I'm sorry halia, does your ds have SN?
If he does I am sorry about my post as obviously if he doesn't have that understanding or speech he will be frustrated.
Have you tried to look at all the factors
E numbers
Hydrated enough- headaches through dehydration can make children bad tempered, as can low blood sugars. Is he eating meals well and having snacks am/pm?
Is his hearing ok? If he can't hear well he will be slower to verbalise and be frustrated because he can't tell what people are saying properly, leads to frustration/tantrums.
Does he eat healthily or could he be lacking in certain vitamins and minerals?

If he can be compared to a wild dog then he either needs assessment or firm discipline.

Halia, I think children having tantrums are very frightening.
I think milk and blanket sounds great. I think the "funny" talk sounds great (that's often what I do to distract my kids when they are all simultaneously going awol from sanity).
And the calm box sounds wonderful. I must make one for my dd.
The attention thing is a puzzler isn't it. I think your dh is right that they KNOW it is guaranteed to get attention. However having flipped the switch it is not so easy for them to extricate themselves.
The transition problem, could that be helped by giving clear warnings - we are going home in ten minutes, having dinner in ten minutes etc, and making sure that you don't chop and change activities too much? I know that sounds obvious but sometimes what seemed to me was a perfectly normal lineup in one day was too much for a 4 year old (even a 7 year old)

Another good plan is routine. Structure to the day in the same order. Just have one or two activities AM and quiter time in the afternoon as they start to get tired.
Is he sleeping well at night?

I also use omega 3 capsules which ds sees as a treat...not sure if they make a difference but it makes me feel like I'm actively addressing the situation.

halia

I could have written your posts ...your ds sounds exactly like mine

Its exhausting isnt it... Is he well behaved when he is out?? my ds is jekyll and hyde.. everyone outside these 4 walls swears he is an angel

We now confiscate toys when his behaviour becomes unacceptable. He actually is a lot calmer when he thinks there is a chance he will get his favourite helicopter back

I am watching this thread with interest .. may try the calm down box

halia on Mon 11-May-09 22:21:36
"dillydaydreamer - yes it scares me. He is out of control and either will not or can not respond to any verbal reasoning. Maybe I am not describing well;

If I try to sit with him on my lap and hold him until he calms down this it what happens.

Take a 35lb dog, pull them onto your lap when they are struggling, hold all their limbs/paws/teeth/head in place with your legs and arms without getting bitten/kicked or hurting the dog itself.
As dog struggles manicly past the point of reason remember that they will ahve no fear of hurting you in the present state but you have got fear of hurting them."

agree that time out isn't working and you should try something else

at the same time if he is a tantrummer, you may not be able to avoid tantrums totally before he grows out of them

fwiw this is what worked for me:

get behind child, restrain each of their arms with a firm grip around the wrist so that you can pull their head either way when they try to bite your arms (missed this with dd one day and still have the scar )

walk backwards with them to a chair or similar

sit down on chair and put one leg across their legs from behind to restrain their legs from kicking

either do not speak at all or just repeat calmly: "I am afraid I cannot let you hurt me"

when the tantrum is over- cuddle and reassure; they will be frightened by the vemence of their own emotions

I used to have to do this until dd was 9 (and nearly as tall as me)

my db was 10 before he grew out of it (but thankfully rather small for his age)

the calm down suggestions sound excellent

sadly never worked with my dd as she was simply too angry about things to want to calm down; she wanted to hurt me

but has now grown into a very mature and caring person

so don't despair

and most children grow out of it far earlier than dd (she had other problems)

cory I completely agree with the way to restrain safely and effectively. Anyone can do it if they are shown how. My friend has a ds who sounds similar but is slightly younger and the HV showed her how to do it. It works really well and he is much better in just a few months.