how does your 2 1/2 yr old behave and how do you respond?

[nzbabies]

Hi, my ds says "no!" to everything! No to getting dressed in the morning, no to sitting down for dinner, no to eating dinner, no to going to bed, no to changing his nappy, no to going to playgroup, no to leaving playgroup...! Every day requires huge patience and attempts at all kinds of tactics to get him to do the things I want him to do!
I have a newborn now as well and it is exhausting!
What do you do that works for you?
I want to find a consistent way of responding that will get him to co-operate as much as possible. Getting frustrated and using force always ends up in tantrums of course. I don't use any kind of punishments - I am not sure what consequence to give him when he deliberately defies me when I have told him not to do something. Say, if he is playing with the television and I tell him not to and he keeps doing it...what do you do?
Thanks - I think I sound completely clueless, but in a way I am! I want to find the best way to handle him, without it becoming negative. Thanks!

I;ll be watching this with interest!
DS is 2.4 and stubborn (like his mummy, I think !)
I use the naughty step which generally works, although only as an action, not a threat IYSWIM. (If I say, that's naughty, do you want to go to the naughty step, he smiles and says yes!)

We get lots of 'I want x', then 'no I don't want x' when it's offered. I'm just not sure decision-making is something they can do at this age. I also think tiredness is a big factor in this sort of behaviour.

I try not to ask him, so he has very little opportunity for 'no', or I say 'do you want X or Y'?

I also try to give a lot of 'warnings' such as 'after we have done x, we will do y' because he seems to like to know what's coming next (even if he protests). I suppose these depend on level of understanding.

I also try and remain calm and avoid reacting as much as possible. Not easy but I think if they can't work out what pisses you off, then they can't do it.

Finally, I pick my battles but never back down once I've started along the route of 'we will be doing this'. If he knows something will always happen when I say so (even if it leads to a huge tantrum), then he often gives up the fight (for a few days anyway!)

Not saying my 2.6 yo is an angel or anything but these seem to help a bit!

nzb: Feel I should add that I don't have a newborn but soon will, so maybe will find myself in the same position this time next month with nothing working!

lol, my dd does that saying no thing, only she just says it without meaning it! EG

Me-Do you want some juice?
DD-No!
Me-Ok (puts away juice)
DD-Juice!
Me-Oh, do you want some?
DD-No! (cries till I give her juice)

It drives me mad!

I second the repeating what's going to happen over and over again. Somehow expectation helps. 'You can walk to the end of this road and then you will get back on the buggy board', rather than 'back on buggy board now.' 'But my DD, 2.5, STILL runs away a lot in the park and thinks its hysterical. Not good when I have to leave 6mth old DS in buggy and sprint after her. I just appear to have no authority... Even when I get shouty, she just giggles at me. Sigh.

Thanks for all your replies. Yes I think giving warning is a good idea. Because when i persist with saying "its time to go to bed now" or whatever, it can take 20 minutes until he will eventually agree to come, but then he does. So it seems like he needs time to get used to the idea and finish what he is doing. I read that its good to give 5 mins, then 3 mins, then 1 minute warnings.
But what should I do when he is very rude to someone?! ie, he shouts "No!" aggressively when offered help by his grannie but he wants me to do it. Or shouts at his dad to "go away!" and growls like a tiger?!! Now i'm writing it I'm thinking there's not much I can do except inform him that its not nice behaviour... But what about consequences when his behaviour is really horrible and deliberately naughty? What if I don't want to do time out or the naughty step, because these seem to make him more defiant? My dad told me to praise the good and ignore the bad. But you have to stop them if they are pulling a plug out and stop them from doing it again somehow! Thanks - I appreciate hearing your experiences!

Praise the good is great, and ignore 'most of' the bad!

With my 2.5 year old, I give her warnings that in x minutes we have to put on our shoes (or whatever)so that we can go out to the [insert fun place]. Sometimes I put the oven timer on so when it beeps thats time to go - she likes that because then she is telling me what to do - she thinks she has a bit of control over things

If she doesn't cooperate, I tell her I will count to three and if she has not (eg) fetched her shoes I will have to do it for her. She's Little Miss Independent so that works quite well a lot of the time.

For naughty things she gets a warning that if it happens again she has to sit by the door (our time out place) or if it is really naughty (hitting/biting etc) she goes straight to the door, no warnings.

If she doesn't speak nicely to people I say that I don't want to help a girl that doesn't use her nice voice to speak to people and she needs to say sorry and ask nicely using please, before I will help her.

And she gets lots of praise for what she does do nicely.

It is an exhausting age and its mentally tiring trying to be one step ahead all the time. At least your newborn is still new and not crawling and getting in your DS' way - you have a good age gap.

If its any consolation I have found it easier 2nd time round (DD's brother is 4) because the toddler can learn from the older child and you can use them as a bit of an example 'look how nicely x is sitting, I wonder if you can sit as nicely as that?' sort of thing.

Time out prob could well make him more defiant at first because he'll be thinking 'whats going on, I liked it when there weren't any rules' - but you are doing the right thing in setting him some guidelines so he grows up happy and well behaved.

2.3 year old DS- also likes countdowns- in 5 mins we're getting out of the bath, in 1 min, out we come. Also likes routines- eg- before he comes out of the bath he tidies up his toys, he pulls the plug out, and only stands up when all the water is gone. If he is rude or cheeky he sits on my knee in a forward facing "hug" for 30 seconds. Sometimes we count, sometimes he takes deep breaths (great to teach toddlers to calm themselves down), and then I ask him to say sorry and give me a kiss. If he says "no" we wait aother 30 seconds and I ask again. I never have to do this more that twice. He says sorry, gives me a kiss, and I tell him I love him (gets rid of my pent up anger too).