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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 Year Old still violent towards 6 week baby sister - worst during bf

10 replies

Picante · 08/05/2009 09:43

Hi I posted about my friend a few weeks back. She has a ds who is 3 and had a premature baby (by 5 weeks) 6 weeks ago. Her ds' behaviour is still as bad if not worse - he has bit and hit the baby (who is obviously still very small).

As soon as my friend starts bf, he goes mental - throwing stuff, hitting other children who may be there, trying to poke the baby etc.

Is there anything she can do? I've already suggested a special box of toys that he can only play with during the feeds but she doesn't think this will work.

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Original poster

Picante · 08/05/2009 11:32

OP posts:

jellybelly25 · 08/05/2009 11:36

What about a special book that he can cuddle up to her and she can read to him while she feeds the baby? He's obviously really shaken by it all...

saintmaybe · 08/05/2009 11:36

Does she have anyone around who can have the baby sometimes so that she can spend some time with her ds? If he's feeling very insecure and angry maybe he could do with some 1-1.

fondant4000 · 08/05/2009 11:43

My dd used to get a bit annoyed when I was bf (she was 3.5) I found it tough too, as I'd only just stopped bfing her (she didn't like the 'baby' milk).

I found the easiest thing was to go out. Take my dd on a trip - park, museum, whatever and bf while I was out. The main thing was to make sure my attention was on dd1, and disregard the thing that happened to be attached to my chest!

It's not easy - I found being at home quite hard. Sometimes my dh would play with dd1 while I took the baby upstairs to feed.

I was lucky that dd was going to nursery 3 times a week, and the baby fed for about 10 minutes every 3 hours. Would have been a nightmare if she had fed like dd1 - 40 minutes every hour!

Original poster

Picante · 08/05/2009 11:46

Shaken is putting it mildly!

Not sure he's calm enough for a book but it's a good idea. I don't think she's bf in public yet but yes I think that would be an answer - although obviously not for every feed.

She's tried not to palm him off too much and he does go to pre-school 3 mornings a week which helps, but it's scary watching how he is with the baby!

OP posts:

4enoughthanks · 08/05/2009 12:32

Needs must - Number 3 hated number 4 BF'ing but a bowl of fruit or sweets and Playhouse Disney always did the trick. No.3 grew out of it when No. 4 was 6 monthsish but even now (12 months) he will jump on us every now and again.

systemsaddict · 08/05/2009 12:44

CBeebies, and while baby is really tiny, feed in another room if poss - there were times when I set ds up in front of the TV and went and fed the baby in the kitchen - could keep an eye on him through the stairgate but safety was assured...

screamingabdab · 08/05/2009 13:27

Picante My DS 1 was like this, and it's very hard to deal with emotionally as a mum. Of all the reactions I had prepared myself for, this was not the one I expected (he had never ever hit another child before).

For a time, even though I understood that DS1 was really angry, it turned me off him a little. I look back now and feel so sad for him. Please tell your friend this is normal, and it will pass. If she worries, it will make her reactions more extreme, and she needs to do her best to stay calm. Th prematurity of the baby is probably likely to be an extra factor in making her protective of the baby

Good advice from the other posters.

I would also add, maybe don't expect the older one to show much interest in the baby, but to give lots of praise when he is gentle. Asking the older one to help is sometimes advised, but I'm not sure it works in these cases where the older one is very upset and angry.

My DSs are now 6 and 8 and a half and get on really really well.

4enoughthanks · 08/05/2009 13:43

Great advice screamingabdab about feeling protective and also about disinterest and praise. Older siblings do come across as angry and very upset but i think they are genuinely shocked by the new arrival. I like the kitchen feeding idea from systemsaddict. I definitely use safety gates to distance myself rather than protect the children!!!

fondant4000 · 08/05/2009 15:30

Oh yes systemsaddict - I'd forgotten sitting on the stool in the kitchen with a cup of tea!

I also threw dd1 a few more packets of crisps and had cbeebies on a bit more often . It's only for a short time.

Distracting rather than reacting to outbursts, and promising to do something nice in a minute - eg painting, going out etc.

Did my best not to draw attention to the baby - dd1 wasn't interested in being involved tbh

Now (2 and 6) they have a lovely time together (interspersed with hissy fits at each other!)

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