The death thing....

[Acinonyx]

Dd (3.7) has been asking random questions about death. It started last month when we were gardening and some flowers had died and she asked me 'Will I die?'. I said yes, when she was very, very old.

This morning she asked me when she would die and I said the same. Then she asked 'When will you die?. And I said the same and she said 'But what day?' and I told her that no-one knows the day. Then she started playing tooth fairies.

This afternoon as we were playing with toy food she asked again. Then she said 'When you die, I think I will just die then.' Then she carried on playing with food.

I'm a biologist by trade and that influences my matter of fact, cycle of life take on this topic. But I also have a lot of personal anxt at being an older mother (now 47) to an only child.

It is genuinely a deeply challenging concept. We mainly behave as though death were a rumour - that's how we cope. But it is sad to see the beginnngs of existential anxt and fear of loss.

Try not to worry.

IME many children start to talk about death (usually a bit older than this), without the depth of fear or emotions that we adults have about it. I think you are doing the right thing by being matter-of-fact, and reassuring at the same time.

Children, i find, are better adapted to death.

We had this problem recently over a book which caused my 4 yo to link death with age and suddenly got terribly upset about the possibility of his great grandma dying.

We focused on the importance of making good memories - because memories last forever. He has a memory book, which is just photos of stuff we have done together. Found this approached worked with some repetician. PLus creating a memory book together (eg chosing picture and sticking) is fun

However, for those with religious beliefs these can be used to reassure about what happens next.

Can relate as also a biologist. And definetly don't see the point in fluffying the natural processes. My ds will happily tell you his beef dinner used to be a cow and ate grass - like the ones he can see out of his window. Death is just part of life and no matter how we try we can't escape it. and personally i dont't see the point about pretending about it. Especially as nan's and greatnan's are getting to that age.

Stick with it and good luck. kids are just more matter of fact then adults. Sometimes its scarey.

My ds (hes 8) became very upset about dying amd more so me dying he said if i died he would not want to live .

I told him that when you love someone you hold them in your heart and even if they die because you love them and hold them in your heart they live inside your heart and so really anyone you love can never really die.

It is terribly sad though isnt it,I cant remember having those feelings myself as a young child.

OTOH dd seems very matter of fact but OTOH she has also been even more cuddly than usual and a bit more emotional.

The topic has come up quite often as my parents (and grandparents) are dead and dh's grandparents also.

Dd saw some stuffed animals in a museum and when we were playing with her girl's head for hairdressing she asked if it used to be alive. I assured her it was just a toy and we don't play with parts of dead people - it's not considered nice

I think we may have a problem with meat though. ATM dd thinks there are two kinds of fish, eggs etc, e.g. ocean fish and eating fish.

nickchick - I take a similar line about being in someone's heart.

There is a lovely book 'No matter what'by Debi Gilori about loving someone 'no matter what' it ends with the line 'love ,like starlight.,never dies'having talked about starlight coming from a star that died long ago.

DS1 also 3.7 has just started this. It started off with him finding one of his toy guineapigs and asking where the real ones had gone. They died when he was just over 2 and he still remembers them and where they lived!!

I told him something like things die when their body doesn't work anymore as he's very into about whather things (toys etc)work or are broken. Don't know whether that was the best approach or not but he seemed happy with the answer for now.

It's hard to know what to say though, even if you treat it matter of factly. I avoided saying anything about illness or accidents etc as we are all poorly with some virus at the moment and could just imagine the thought process that could happen.

I do try to be honest about it though. When dh's nan died BIL told dn that she had gone away on a special bus. Dn was scared of going on a bus for a while!

I think most Dc's of 3 or 4 talk and ask about death and dying. My Ds certainly did at that age and now he's 10 going on 11 and my dad is terminal, he really doesn't want to talk about it. I do still talk about it when appropriate, because it's everywhere. We've lost good friends and family and our dog in the last 4 or 5 years now and that isn't going to stop.

I think it's appropriate to include death and dying in conversations that call for it, just not in too much depth unless it is asked about.