Please help me, my 4 year old is acting like a demon and I seriously can't cope.

[oregonianabroad]

I have tried all the how to talk methods.
I have tried time out, going to room, toy removal, pocket money removal, etc...
I have tried patiently talking to him and explaining what behaviour is acceptable and what is not.
I have tried shouting.
I have tried reminding him that we are in charge and the reason we are in charge is so that we can hlep keep him safe and make good choices to grow up big and strong.

He is: spitting, hitting, kicking (me, the cat on Friday, his brother), damaging, raging. Does not seem at all able to handle anger or any slight dent in his image as the tyrrant of the household.

I am LOSING IT now.

Is this just a recent thing?!

He was like this before, around age 2ish.

He is regressing now, big style, doing things he has not done for ages.

I am really sorry to say this, but, it is a phase. Dd ducks in and out of this, and has done from being 3. Is a total angel out of the house (usually!) so people don't believe me when I tell them the stories. I have been known to put her in her room and hold the door closed until I she calms down, and that usually ends in an apology a few hours later, which was a major step forward.

You must not give in at all, and must always deal with the behaviour immediately (or so I have found). If dd hits me I hold her arms just below her wrists and carry her to her room that way (without speaking to her), place her in her room and shut the door immediately. Have been known to borrow friends/family bedrooms for the same purpose. If we are out I restrain her arms or legs (whichever are her weapon of choice!) and take her to a corner of the shop/whereever we are and don't look at her until she calms down. If we are at school the teachers tend to intervene (the angels) or I take her to the corner of the playground. Even though I am almost always desperate to shout it has never once worked, however total non-communication with no eye contact brings them round much more quickly, and it becomes less frequent.

I hve had this problem with daughter and still do Sanctions don't work, except really simple ones like no story at bedtime, if it is bedtime already (rather than in two hours).
They can't think ahead. They think you are to blame. They feel overwhelmed by their feelings and can't stop.
All you can do is wait for it to pass and put them out of harm's way.
I think negotiation makes things worse, better to just put them in their room and ignore the behaviour from then on.
Then give them a way out, like "when you've stopped feeling angry, I'll be in the kitchen waiting to say hello to you". You are not condoning their behaviour but you are allowing them to get out the pickle.
Try not to get drawn in, and make them even more upset. Don't negotiate but listen to the fact that they are really upset. Next time try to factor in the things that upset them and avoid them as triggers. Don't expect them to have the rationality or good sense of an adult.
Don't let them push familiar buttons. That makes them very powerful. In our house it was sitting down at the table and immediately saying - don't like it. Don't fly off the rails. Just make it clear that if they don't want it they don't have to eat it, but there is nothing else except possibly bread and butter .
Or refusing to get dressed in morning for school. We had a technique of making getting dressed a special time instead of a barked order. She was less likely to use it as a way of manipulating us.
Anyway it is AWFUL, but just remember you love them and show them that whilst staying firm on essentials.

I think words make it worse - saying things like you are being very naughty, I'm fed up with your behaviour, you are not getting away with this, don't you dare touch him, why are you doing that again? All very aggressive put down wind up comments which re-inforce the child's sense of anger and waywardness. So I think you have to be completely firm but neutral, and not show you are upset. Just that it is not something you will accept.
I'm working on this

Thanks Swan and Paddington. He's calmer now. Don't know what all of this is about but it's dead unpleasant for all of us! Will try your sound advice.

I think in 4 year old boys it's often to do with testosterone surges. Depressing forerunner for teenage years maybe! Mine has done much the same on and off for the last few months, and I totally agree with Swanriver about the giving them a way out. I get the best results by saying stuff like "I'll talk to you about this when you calm down" and removing myself and big brother from the room. No attention seems to speed up the calming down process - sometimes.

I dealt with this for several years with my ds1 and it was a phase as it did pass but it is also a capacity. I really didn't have much success at all dealing with his rage as long as I considered it a phase. Things only got better after I accepted that this was a part of who he was-whether it be testosterone (a good bet, I think) or something else and that he wasn't going to change and there was nothing I could do to "fix" him.

You've already had lots of good advice here.
hope it passes sooner rather than later.

Do these bad phases last for long?

Don't answer that!

I'm taking the 'We've tried...' part of your Q as good advice for me as my 3 yr old has been testing me to the limits. My nephew, 4, has shocked me so much recently. Together, they are a nightmare to control!

I literally did not know what the hell to do with the pair of them. All better now as nephew has gone back home.

The only thing that's worked for ds today has been totally ignoring him and singing on top of my voice over him.

Seems to have got the 'you will NOT get to me/ I will not tell you again or talk to you when you are like this' kind of messages. He was also shocked when I was laughing at something else. Think he just wanted to get a reaction.

Best of luck...

Ignoring him if he's too loud/violent/crying without a good reason etc.

I am going through this with my 4 yr old dd at the moment. It's a really tough time for us and I can't help sometimes feeling that we must be doing something horribly wrong for her to express such violence and rage at times .

This week though I am feeling much more positive and have a plan of action.

1. Stop and think more about my own reactions in situations where there is rage potential.

2. Completely banning sweets (she doesn't have them often but have noticed they send her loopy)

3. make sure she is getting enough sleep

4. Avoid conflict/anger between myself and dh

5. Have ordered this book the explosive child

just to clarify - when I say 'we' I mean dh and myself not the op

Thaank god its not just mine!!! My almost four year old boy also has phases of aggression, screaming hitting(me) kicking etc. Only one thing to say. Chin up, Ignore if poss, put in room and shut door til peace is restored and lots cuddles after. Also have large glass wine once little sods in bed!! Good luck and know youre not alone!x

I have a 3.5 year old ds who flies into rages when he doesn't get his own way or if I tell him not to do something. I have put him in his room, until he calms down. He throws toys everywhere and several have got broken. I really hope this is a phase, as I find it very stressful!

oregonianabroad Is he in a nursery/pre-school? What do they say about his behaviour when he's there?

These suggestions all really helpful has anyone sought professional support for the behaviours?

You know the thread is over 16 years old?

If you’re having similar problems @Gwamma, you might be best starting your own thread