4 month old hysterical when DH puts her to bed

[BarrelOfMonkeys]

Short version: We've been alternating between DH and myself putting DD to bed and it's been fine until the last week or so, when suddenly it appears DD won't settle without me putting her to bed. How can I get her back to not minding which of us does the bedtime routine?

Long version: The routine is that we take her up to bed between 7-7.30pm (depending on sleep cues)and then it's nappy, change clothes, wind, then feed bottle (I know it makes no sense to wind first but she refuses food and gets hysterical if you don't do that first and often brings up a big pre-feed burp for whatever reason), then wind again after feeding for 5 mins, then put into cot.

She usually goes straight to sleep when she's in the cot, no problem - we have been lucky. We have had the occasional two-hour screamathon at the first winding stage when she refuses the bottle but that has been half a dozen times over 4 months maybe? Possibly when over-tired as far as I can tell.

Lately however, when DH takes her up, she's fine with the nappy, change and winding but as soon as he sits down with her to feed, she goes supernova and then when I go up to take over/see if I can help, moreorless as soon as DD hears my voice and/or I take her from DH she calms down.

DH says I am making a rod for my own back by going up, and perhaps I am, but after 20 mins of screaming I'm upset, DD's upset, and then DH is upset when DD calms down for me and not him. Tonight she was over-tired so not (IMO) the time to fight this battle but tomorrow is another night... Do I just have to let her scream herself out on DH, or is there anything else to try?

Thanks in advance...

No rods. No way. Not at 4 months.

We went through this with DS and we had a policy that I settled him to sleep, but DP would go back when he woke again (if she's wakeful this applies to you). I would stay out of the room unless DS got really upset at which point I would step in, so he never got really upset and eventually he relaxed about being with DP. You could just let DP try her and if she kicks off then step in.

Like you I found letting her cry was horrible, especially knowing it is something I could solve by stepping in. But it was hard to be diplomatic because it made DP feel rejected. However, it did pass off and now he goes to sleep a million times better for DP than for me

Agree witn Fairmidden.

ummme well it depends if you think it it is a phase or not. If its a passing thing then go with you putting her down (if both of you agree). The other thing is would you both happy for you to do bedtimes every night? Reason I ask is if you do this it may become harder and hadre for dh to out her down.
These things can feed off each other- perhaps dd (for whatever reasons) had a few harder nights with dh- then he got a bit tense about putting her down, then you got tense listening to it, he got more tense- dd got even more would up..... anyway my point is each parent deals with their child in a slightly different way, has differnt methods to comfort them or get them of to sleep whatever. Neither is right or wrong. But you have to accept this. Even if dd is crying she is being held and comforted by her parent- sometimes I bet she cries with you too (maybe at other times of the day?). I feel its imp for dads to feel confident in what they do and kids to be able to get comfort from either parent (not just mums for soft cuddly emotional stuff and dads for rough and tumble). Sounds like you are on a path to promoting this and that idealy you would both like this. Stick with it if you can. We had a similar thing and when I left ds to it he it got better and now at 2 ds couldn't care less who puts him to bed (possibly prefering dh is anything). I have friedns who can't go out for a drink becasue only they can put their toddler to bed....

Think it's extremely wrong to leave a 4 month old to scream if you want my absolute honest opinion.

Sorry if I sound harsh but of course your're upset after hearing your DD scream for 20 minutes - it goes against every instinct we possess as mothers. I wouldn't "persevere" with something that makes your DD so unhappy just to prove a point or make your DD conform to a behaviour that you think she "should" iyswim. So what if she currently wants only you at bedtime? It's a phase - in 6 months time, she'll be completely different. I'm sure your DH can cope with the rejection - are there not other ways in which he can "bond" with your DD at other times? I think it's perfectly natural and normal for young babies to want only their mothers when they are tired.

I co-slept/sleep with both of mine, bf to sleep etc and got the old "rod for your back" thing everytime[yawn]

BUT I'm posting this from work (on a night shift obviously). My 10 month old is currently at home with my childminder (DP working abroad) and 4 year old is at his grandmother's house. Both asleep and happy otherwise I'd be hearing about it. So no problems with either of them settling for anyone else...

Thanks for the advice all! (I would just clarify to Tryharder that we don't leave DD to cry, she's with DH trying to comfort her so she's not 'left' as such. It's a shame she won't settle for him as when he's home from work it's almost her bedtime, so he doesn't see much of her otherwise. Anyway - good to hear that yours both settle for others so there is hope.)

I shall stick with the hope it's a phase and sit in with DH when he settles her and take over if she's getting upset. Fingers crossed she grows out of it...