Has anyone had a child who is develpmentally advanced for her years but things have eventually evened out? Btw focusing on social rather than academic aspects.

[lisalisa]

I have a dd3 aged 5.5 years in reception.

She has always been extremely sociable and confident and talks very well to both adults and children. Perhaps because she has older siblings ( she has 3 older siblings including a db of 10 yrs) she has learnt to up her play rather than down for younger siblings.

She sings lustily , joins in everything and enjoys acting and dancing.

Has always been slightly ahead academically but all evening out there now.

What concerns me is her social development. She does not play with the childrne in her class very much . I spent a good 5 mins just now trying to write down exactly what it was that bothered me. I was going to say that she is not popular but that is not true 0 ther kids seem to want to play with her but I think they are a little bit scared of her. She can be quite bossy and pushy and , for eg, on the occassion taht I bring a p[acket of crisps with me to pick her up she will organise all the girls in her class literally into rows and make them sing a song in order to get a few crisps. It is quite funny to see and many mums have commented on her natural leadership abilities and she certainly is a leader but I don't think deep down she is happy.

When all the kids are playing at the end of the day ( I'm in playground with her for half an hour waiting ofr older kids to finish) no-one particularly plays with her. She wanders round by herself or makes a fuss of other mums' babies or toddlers.

She plays at break wtih the older kids from other classes but this often ends in tears. For e.g. today she was playing with the year 3 class but it all ended badly with 3 year 3 girls in tears and saying she was mean to them. She is often mean to her friends and lost her best friend from kindergarten over this as when she was much younger she was cute and confident and this other girl loved her but slwoly she became more and more overpowring and dominant and this girl began to actively express her wish not to invite dd over anymore or be friends with her.

It still breaks my heart to see this girl invite others over and not dd. Dd , when I ask her , always says this girl is her best friend.

Will this sort itself out eventually in the general wash that is childhood growing up and devleopment? I dont' want her to end up a bossy, dominant unpopular kids with no friends.

Teacher hasn't noticed anythign and always tells me how supremely bright she is and well organised etc.

bump

maybe you need to reign her in a bit? I am not being horrible but if my kid was in her class and her friend and had to perform for a crisp/was on the receiving end of her being bossy i'd probably want to encourage my daughter to find other friends-sorry.
I have no idea how you would reign her in though. I am not sure how 'cute' it is and would imagine that the other mothers think it is less cute than you do by the way.sorry if this is hard to hear by the way.

Isn't there a book that Mumsnetters recommend? Something like The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. Haven't read it so don't know if it is right for her age, but maybe it could form the basis for discussions with her on how to handle friendships.

How do you react when you are present and see her act in a bossy manner. For instance the crisp incident: did you put a stop to it? If she thought you thought she was funny, then she will assume she has your approval.

Do you talk to her (not tell her off, but talk to her) about how to speak to your friends?

Chances are that it will even out, but she may well need a little help on the way.

Hi - We have something similar. My DD1 (also 5.5 and in reception) is clever but bossy. At Parents' evening, the teacher talks about how clever she is, but I'm more interested in the social side. My DD has one 'best friend' who she is overly reliant on, but that best friend isn't always nice to her (think that's partly just girls tbh).

I haven't got a definitive answer to this, except that most of our conversations about school is about who she plays with, what happens at lunch and so on... very rarely do we actually talk about what she's doing in class. To help, I've reinforced to DD1 that DD2 is her best friend (which helps when she is told that her 'best friend' is best friends with someone else!) I've also encouraged her to find other friends, have invited other girls to play etc (Get ideas from the teacher on who to invite over if not sure). We also have lots of chats about her behaviour and how it might come across. Often she means well, but doesn't always word things in the right way - so we talk a lot about such things. At the end of school, we talk about who she played with, was she left out at all, did she fight with anyone etc, and if there are any problems, then we talk about how she could handle it better next time. It seems to be helping (slowly!).

However, the key question that would be on my mind is to know how your DD feels about it. She might be blissfully unaware and so it is less of an issue, iyswim! But my DD does get upset when her friends leave her out etc, and so she needs help.

However, I do believe that the ability to maintain friendships is a complex skill, as difficult as learning to read or write, and so children need as much support in developing the social side of things as they do on developing their literacy and numeracy skills.
HTH

I think this is one of those unfortunate times when kids start to learn the hard way that if they are very bossy/mean then people don't want to play with them. I know it's hard and that it may have seemed funny, but the crisp thing is quite controlling behaviour and you need to point out to her that it may be things like this that mean people like her previous best friend don't want to play with her.

Does she have many play dates with other kids? You don't have to do it loads but if you had one or two every month you could watch the way she is with them and talk to her about it. Also it would give her something to chat to people about at school.

She sounds like she's very bright and confident though, just that she needs a bit more self awareness... I remember my dd1 (now 9) at around 6yo coming home and telling me that people had been really mean to her and wouldn't play with her, she was genuinely shocked and surprised... But as it turned out my dd (the little sod) had been going around telling people who they must play with at playtime, in order to separate two people that she thought were having a dispute that was nothing to do with her, and so that she could then secure the one person she had been chasing (she's a bit of a stalker sometimes) for a few weeks.

Since then she's learned that stuff like that is just not going to win her any friends.

Have you tried role playing with her? Get yourself a couple of teddies, dolls etc and play out a playground scene with her. Make your toy say "hello, shall we play?" etc and see how your DD reacts. When she says something bossy etc make your toy get a bit upset or sad and then you yourself talk to her dolly (not your DD directly) about what dolly said to make teddy so sad and what dolly should say instead. Do you know what I mean??!

I did role playing with my DS who really struggled how to approach kids and play with them and this helped no end. I hear him going up to kids and saying the exact same things we said in the role playing.

Maybe that could help her a little. My DD tends to be on the bossier side so when I hear her bossing my DS about I boss her about and ask her how she likes it! Not much I can tell you lol!!

Good luck,xxx

Oh dear. I used to be bossed about something rotten when I was a child, and I have another dc who has had similar experiences. I'm sorry but the whole crisp business horrified me - that's not cute, it is NOT leadership, it is not funny and worst of all it seems that you are condoning that behaviour. I'm sorry, but if I had a child at your school I would be avoiding you and your daughter like the plague.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. You really do need to be really firm with her and help her understand the impact that has on other children - and I mean firm, and I mean enforcing the idea that it's not acceptable. Otherwise your dd will suffer by not having any friends and other children will suffer too. Sorry but I've seen it all too often from the other side of the fence.

i would also think that the other mothers are making comments about her leadership in order to see if you do anything to intervene-as it is at the moment you seem to think it's sweet and are condoning it-it really isn't.

Thanks all .

Maybe I have overplayed the crisp incident!!! Basically I found her with a packet of crisps and several girls sitting on floor each of whom had to sing lustily for a crisp. None seemed to mind.

I do think that she may be spoiled. A bit strange really for child no 4 but there you are. Dh and I have always been a little softer on her than the others - no real reason other than that she is very pretty and cute and extremely bright and verbal. I think we have probably neglected the social skills.

On the other hand she is , perhaps be dint of being bright, exceptionally well mannered when with adults and is well versed in pleases and thank yous and excuse me pleases and never interrupts or is disruptive at school.She is always first to help clear up or to "rescue" a child at school who has hurt themselves. SEveral playgroup mums ( age 2 kids in lowest year in our school) have commented what a kind and helpful child she is and she is - she has the biggets heart its just that something is going wrong with her peer group relationships.

She does get playdate invites and plays very well out of our house. In our house however, apart from this ex best friend and perhaps on eor two others ( interestingly the older kids) she almost ignores her playdate fgriends and just chats and hangs out with my older kids and their friends. I end up colouring in the kitchen with her friends instead! If called and reprimanded she comes running back with a smile and sits down dutifully and colours or whatever but is soon off again.

It's such a puzzle really.

I do clamp down on bossy behavior and have told her that the other kids won't want to be her firend if she is too bossy and insists on her own way . I dont' even know whether it is that though.

barmymummy _ I like the idea of the role play .

Re bossiness generally - i have a dd2 in yr 3 who really is the most bossy creature and she is v popular. My elder dd aged 12 is not at all bossy and also popular. This dd3 I am posting about here is not any more bossy than dd2 but it seems to be going wrong somewhere.

I did ask her teacher about it on friday as dd seems not to want to play in the playground at all after school ( during the half hour wait for her older siblings in whch akll the kids from her class play) but instead helped the teacher organise stuff for next week and chatted to the teachers. Her teacher told me " nonsense, dd has lots of friends" and when pushed she sighed and said " Mrs lisalisa, dd is very bright you know and i'm afriad that these kinds of kids usually expereince some of these problems but it will even out eventually ."

I was one of these very bright children who "experience some problems", and while it did even out eventually (I think I am socially ok-ish now) I do feel my life would have been easier with a bit of help along the way. Just a few light hints to help me not come across the wrong way iyswim.

I think the suggestion of role play sounds really good.

Ds is nearly 5 and is always complaining that he has no one to play with at school. Bright, socially very confident, well mannered etc etc. I reckon that he probably doesn't have anyone to play with as he likes to choose and lead whatever game the children are playing. Certainly this is what happens when he has friends over to play. I tell him that not everyone will want to do as he says but he hasn't grasped that idea as yet. He has a very vivid imagination and I'm not sure that helps at school.

I've mentioned it to his teachers that he comments on a daily basis that he has no friends and no one to play with but they don't seem concerned and he is happy to go to school. I hope he will grow out of it. At least he is kind and considerate to others. A couple in his year are very controlling and bossy and pretty hurtful with it and I'm pleased that ds isn't like that.

I think she is playing out the situation at home, copying her role-models, her bossy elder sisters.

They boss her about, that's what she thinks you're supposed to do.

She plays with older kids as that's also what she's used to.

Can you tell I am the youngest of 3 girls myself?