no friends

[catkinq]

My eight year old girl has real problems making and keeping friends. In nearly 4 years at school she has only been invited to tea 4 times. We invite children but she doesn't seem to know what to "do" with them. She spends all of her time reading (fiction - Harry potter, Enid Blyton etc) and doesn't seem to have caught onto or understand any "trends" (eg she asks "why do they all like high School musical" etc). When I pick her up from school the other children run out together, run round in groups while th emums chat. My dd sits in a corner reading. She also does not sleep - sits up at night reading, often till midnight. her conversation, and in particular her sense of humour is very "adult" or very "ad hoc" - ie sh ewill try to join in a discussion about (say) the weather by announcing that "cows in Scotland have bells" or some simlar completely unrelated fact. How can I tell if this is normal and a phase? What shoud I do? At what age should girls have friends? Any advice appriciated.

Have you tried joining her up to any out of school activities where she could meet like minded children?

yes but she can't seem to get on with them either other than one oldren girl that she talks to and the people runign the main one she goes to (the village childrens group) has come adn told us that she feels that dd is very unhappy. also we are very rural so there are not many options.

Is she an only child? She is obviously a good reader-is she very bright at school?

Poor dd. What have school said? Can they set up a friendship circle for her? Have you tried brownies/guides?

I'd be her friend.....she sounds lovely.

Hmm, is it a problem even one to one?

I would suggest that when you have a friend round for her that you don't leave it to her. Have something planned to do with them-e.g. cook their own meal, go on a scavenger hunt etc.

I was quite "bookish" (as my mum says) as a kid, and got into drama which really helped me socially. Could she do stagecoach or something similar (if she were interested)?

She sounds like me tbh.
I love reading, always had my nose in a book as a child. I can't do small talk either. I did have a best friend, but that was it. Now I have very few but really good friends IYSWIM.
I don't see the attraction of running with the in-crowd either tbh, so I can see where she is coming from re HSM etc. Other children just seemed silly most of the time .
I did go to out of school activities- but I liked the ones where we didn't have to interact so much, rather hone skills much better- so I didn't really enjoy brownies, but like my dance, gymnastics, and swimming lessons.
Not sure I have any advice... just- she is who she is. You can't change her personality. Was she very mature as a toddler? (excellent comprehension, very few tantrums etc?)

Is she happy ?...does she actually want friends..or do you just want her to have them? (understandable btw...i would too)
Does she cope ok at school apart from that?

Sounds a lot like me to. It got better at senior school as there was a larger pool of people to choose friends from and everyone else started to mature. I'm very confident and outgoing these days but still love to read.

I liked Brownies and Guides because we moved around a lot and it was easy to join new groups. It wasn't competitive either. Suggest some activities but don't push it.

As I grew older I became proud of my ability to make my own opinions and not follow the herd. I wouldn't have liked HSM at age 8 either.

aww, bless her!!

My daughter who is 8 loves reading too! sounds like mine would get on great with yours tbh.

Im with the lady who said arrange something between her and her friend so they can interact together.

organise a bowling playdate with a few girls from her class who she talks too.

also ask her teacher who she plays with/interacts with the most and get the teacher to see if she can get them doing something together.

my daughter was a floating friend where she wasnt best friends with anyone just hung with whoever, but a new girl started from another school and they have been best of friends and inseperable! As time goes on it all can change just like that.

all the best, sounds like she is a lovely girl you have!

She sounds exactly like me at that age, catking. I was a bookworm, hopeless at making friends, basically considered a bit of a 'weirdo'. I joined a drama group when I was 13, which helped a lot, but it wasn't until I went to university that I became popular (mostly because I was with the same peer group throughout school and it was impossible to break away from the impression they already had of me).

I'm not sure what to suggest, but I can say that I am a very well-adjusted, happy and popular person, which I would never have predicted 15 years ago!

As many of the others say, she sounds just like me as a little girl. I was also very bookish and didn't see the point of having friends just for the sake of having friends.

If you are sure that this is her choice and that she is happy being like this then accept that she is an introverted personality and work around that fact. You won't be able to change it, certainly not by arranging playdates with a group of bouncy girls whose interests she doesn't share. She will probably have a miserable time wondering when she can get back to her book and have a bit of piece and quiet.

I am guessing that you perhaps have a more outgoing personality than she does? If so, imagine a group of people of a type opposite to you (dare I suggest trainspotters as an exmample?), and then imagine having to spend a day with them, and you get the idea!

There are many positive aspects to being an introvert, for example they tend to be quite self-sufficient which I think is a real boon. Concentrate on the good bits rather than worry about 'negatives'.

I would certainly encourage her to join some sort of club or do an activity but it has to be one that she is truly interested in, because that is where she will meet friends that have interests in common with her.

And rest assured that she will meet and make fast friends, but only on her own terms.

I'm sure she will turn out smashing, but I wish you both lots of luck anyway!

I have a DS who is exactly the same. Perhaps part of the problem is life is more exciting in books than it is in RL! He doesn't seem bothered by his lack of friends and I have to remind him to play with them occasionally as even they will disappear too if he isn't careful.

I admit to being a bit the same myself too although I did have a small circle of friends and we stuck together through. Outside activities are a good idea - I did Brownies and Guides too.

I just wanted to recommend a book that - I have only just bought but which is much recommended on MN to help with friendships issues. It is called "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship - Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends".

I bought it because although DS doesn't particularly need friends I would like to feel that if he wants them he does have the skills he needs to engage with people.

Sorry that didn't make sense.

I have to remind him to play with the few he has, I should have said.

I was like this as a child. Even if she is happy as she is now, it might be worthwhile very gently providing her with opportunities to make friends so she doesn't lose confidence.

How about a book club? Perhaps your library runs one for children. Maybe she would enjoy this. Or maybe a pen-pal? Good readers are often good writers too!

Thank you for all the suggestions - will try them all
She has 2 younger brothers and did play with them but is starting to not want to. The school have started up a friendship circle and this has helped - she was v unhappy and kept asking why she had no friends which is why I asked the school to do something - I wouldn't mind if it did not bother her (I'm not a trainspotter but am a bird watcher ) but she seems very sad about it. I just wondered how normal it was. Thank you again for the replies.