How do you 'discipline' a 23mo?

[Bumperlicioso]

DD (23mo) is become very mischievous and doing things that she knows she shouldn't like throwing food one the floor, slapping people's face, hitting me with stuff. She is not generally naughty, but just starting to realise she can push buttons.

I'm not sure how to deal with it. I tell her 'no' waving my finger at her in what I think is a menacing fashion. But she just laughs. The thing is DH has probably told her off properly about 3 times and every time she has sobbed. He obviously has some kind of invisible power, well that and she worships him! Not that I want to make her cry but I want her to pay attention to me. But I don't want to be horrid, the thing is when she is 'naughty' and just laughs it makes me really cross and impatient with her for a while. I don't want to be that person, so I need to know how to discipline her effectively but not horribly.

Also, how long do you let them feel the consequences for? I have a tendency to be moody for a while - please don't flame me here! I don't want to be naggy cross mummy like my mum was, I want to be the type who just has to give a look, but is respected. I'm trying to go against all my natural reactions. I want to be laid back but for DD to understand what is unacceptable behaviour. Is it all too early for this? She's too young for me to actually explain to her what what she is doing is wrong, at which point hopefully I will manage better. But I need to know how to deal with this pre-verbal stage.

Sorry, have to go so can't post in detail - however I am reading How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (and Listen So They'll Talk) - and it is full of fantastic ideas for using discipline as an opportunity to learn/ kids learning consequences, etc etc. Even at 23 mos you'll be able to incorporate some of their suggestions.

It's also v quick and easy to read.

Am concerned about your DH making her cry...that sounds extremely harsh. Perhaps you might want to leave the book in the bathroom or something so that he casually flicks through it - worked for me!

Best of luck!

ok, well I can tell you what works for us (my ds is 26 months but have been doung this for 4 -6 mnths). We realsied that we needed to stop some of the things we found unacceptable ie hitting and biting. So in this house we have a three prnged strategy:

1. pick your battles- lots and lots of things are annoying but normal toddler behanviour, we give choices where possible and recognise tiredness and frustration and try and talk about somehting before it gets ott (in very simple language- quiet but fim voice, I know you want to go in the garden but we have to put your wellies on first). We repeat once nicely, once firmly and then either do what we need to do (strap him into car seat whilst he wails) or walk away (if he won't put his wellies on)
2. I try and ignore most of the low level whingy type tantrums/behviour.
3. If something is a total no (ie hitting) then we use time out.

At this age it's all about getting your attention whether it's negative finger wagging atention or nice attention she doesn't really care, being away fromt her action/attention (ie in time out) is what she won't like. The above measures started to ahve an effect on the hitting/biting after about a month. Now ds seems to be clearer on boundaries, happier and less frustrated.

Thanks for the replies, just reading them but just wanted to reassure about my DH, he is such a softy and would never intend to make her cry, I think the couple of times he has told her off (eg. for tearing all the pages out of a book) she has cried out of guilt and because she is such a daddy's girl, he never shouts at her or would ever be menacing, he has just perfected that quiet 'i'm so disappointed in you' voice that is far worse than being shouted at by me. Please don't worry about him, really he is a big softy when it comes to DD. I think a lot is that he rarely tells her off whereas so it is much more effective I do it a lot more .

That's whereas I do it a lot more

I agree with hettie, I tend to pick my battles and ignore or distract when tantrums are low-level toddler stuff.

Much of the tantrums I find are from frustration and feelings of not having control - I try to diffuse this by offering options of trying to reason a bit (do you want to go out? Well, you need to brush your teeth first before you can go out, so shall we go and brush your teeth?).

My DS is very strong willed so if something is dangerous or he is being unkind to another toddler I find the best approach is to physically remove him from the situation and explain why I have done that and also ask him 'do you understand?' (he generally does)

Sometimes you feel like you are saying no, no, no, all day, but I think yelling and shouting doesn't do much good and only winds yourself up.

My DS is 23mo also and even if your DD isn't talking much, they understand more than you think so I do think you can start reasoning and explaining things to them.

When my 2 yo was a lot younger, maybe 18 months, the first few times I told her off (for slamming doors, dangerous things) I didn't shout at her, but told her she couldn't do it and wasn't my normal smiley self, and she BAWLED. It was, I think, the shame. That's what happened with your DH, I bet, that she's just used to him being Fun Dad.

Distraction is great. If she's having a full on tantrum, I often start reading a book quietly in her room, not looking at her or showing her and she comes over and looks. I do the Supernanny thing of giving her eye contact and talking in a serious voice at her level if she's done something naughty, but I don't shout or threaten much - the threat I do is, her cot is still in her bedroom, and if she is screaming and won't go for her nap, I say 'You can nap in your big girl bed, or you can go for a nap in your old cot', and that works a treat, but I usually forget that option, I just remember it because I did it today. I think the key is just never give in, if you can help it, but always be gentle and don't smile if she knows she's been naughty. My dd does all the things yours does, the odd hit, throwing stuff on the floor, I just have a serious face and tell her she can't do it. Eventually they should all stop, as long as we're consistent... won't they?

Thanks Ebenes, the thing is, the tantrums I can cope with, I can happily ignore them. It's throwing stuff, slapping or whatever and laughing about it, or doing something after I have said no that brings down the 'red mist'.

Well, you know as well as I do, they're just testing boundaries, aren't they. And sometimes when they do something naughty everyone laughs, and sometimes when they do something naughty everyone is really cross and upset, and it must be so confusing for them. They will learn, when they don't get much exchange or fun out of doing the bad things. And I know, it's more about how to cultivate non-tolerance of the bad, more than us losing control or being worn down by it. Mine is a little older and is naughtiest when I've been ignoring her, recently I spent a couple of nights away from her, left her with my mum (who does all day care for me anyway) and the next day she was unrecognisable, really really bad, and all of it aimed at me. So I guess also it's about learning the triggers. Sometimes I almost feel like it's fun, learning along with them.