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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 year old wants us to stay upstairs when we put her to bed!!!! arghhhh

24 replies

t875 · 27/04/2009 20:24

rod for our own back comes to mind...well it was hubbie that started it. He would put her to bed and then go and lay on our bed and look on his laptop! i said to him it wouldnt be a great idea and now she has got used to it and anytime we want an evening for us we dont get an evening as she throws the biggest tantrums.

we put her to bed 7-7:30 and we even go earlier, we also tried later incase she was protesting, but it doesnt change anything she will fight us no matter what time she goes.

gotta say its been worse since the change in clocks!! blooming clocks

anyone been through this and got any advise i would be most grateful. Thanks {smile]

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dinkystinky · 27/04/2009 20:48

Hmm, you're the parents - she's the child. Perhaps explain to her that's why she goes to bed at 7/7.30 and you go to bed later - you will just be downstairs eating your dinner and chilling out. Is she getting night terrors or scared of anything? Maybe you need to talk to her about that - You can put a baby monitor in her room so she knows you can hear her upstairs.

FWIW, my 3 year old fights bedtime like all toddlers do - we just put him in bed (eventually) and explain his little brother is in bed, it is his bedtime and mummy and daddy will be downstairs having their dinner and will go to bed later because grown ups go to bed much later.

Good luck.

helsbels4 · 27/04/2009 20:55

Maybe you are making a rod for your own back, maybe you should explain to her about different peoples' bedtimes but always remember that she's four and when she's fourteen, she won't want you laying with her then!

My ds would always want someone with him to fall asleep when he was about that age but he's nine now and can manage on his own!

DD is four and is usually ok on her own.

In the great scheme of things, it doesn't last long

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 20:59

Thanks! Yeah i thought about the monitor idea and ill give it a try. She freaks out so bad.

Dont think anything is wrong with her she just wants us to stay upstairs!! I'm upstairs now as when i was downstairs she was freaking, banging on the floor and she is making every excuse need the toilet, water, make up cough here and there...

I think i could be a good candidate for the looney bin right now

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peanutbrittle · 27/04/2009 21:05

ime it gets much easier if you do what helsbels almost suggests - just accept it, go along with it and understand that she won't still be doing it as a teenager, though at that stage you might welcome the chance to have a snuggle with her

my 6 yo is like this, even still, altho' she is slowly getting better. I think some kids just are. They need reassurance and like to have us round. Thinking of it from a childs perspective this doesn't seem so strange. If you do just lie down with her how long does it take for her to drop off? My DD1 now accepts that I will lie down for 10 mins or so and leave the room while she isn't yet asleep (it taks her AGES) but I do leave a CD playing as she finds it very hard to wind down on her own.

good luck, it is hard but sometimes not fighting these things is as hard...

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:12

she doesnt want us lying with her she just wants us upstairs in our room it wasnt too bad first of all as it was only 5 mins-10 but now its practically all our evening.

But then were up here she wont sleep and makes every excuse not too. I see what your all saying, but it does make you feel a prisoner in your own bedroom! lol

i know though we (hubby!) have made a rod for our own backs!

Thanks for your replies/advise!!

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peanutbrittle · 27/04/2009 21:17

ah I see, that is different - I quite like lying there, I do a bit of meditation and it calms me right down - but once I had folded the huge mountain of laundry in my room (ie about two weeks worth of evenings later!) might get a tad bored...

poor you

squilly · 27/04/2009 21:19

My dd has started doing this at 8! We've had to lay the law down fairly firmly, though there are odd nights when I say, oh, well I'm doing some ironing upstairs tonight or I'm going to bed to read for a bit.

It's a surprise for me as we'd always done the bedtime routine so well. DD was usually tucked up by 8pm and didn't come to see us til 7:00 next morning, and that was from a very, very early age.

I think they all have issues now and again. With dd her imagination has kicked in and I think she thinks too hard before going to sleep, so likes us to be on hand in case she needs us. Some nights she makes more fuss than others, but we try to deal with it in a straightforward manner in the hope she'll come to her senses at some point!

I think helsbels and peanut are right though...it's probably quite short term and will resolve itself before long. And they are only small for such a short period of time, though I would also say I love my grown up time, so I'm a bit resentful of losing free evenings.

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:20

i am going to talk to her about the different bedtimes etc, and go down a different route so hope that works, picked up some great advise!

Thanks!

OP posts:

Tortington · 27/04/2009 21:21

why can't people just say "no"?

"mummy please stay with me when i go to bed"

"No, get in bed and stay there"

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:25

yeah this is it squilly. I am in the throws of looking for work as my youngest has started school full days now, and i have been at home for 7-8 years so i do like my evenings!!

but we play games before bed when we can, read before sleep, pretty good routine.

hope this stage passes very soon!!

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peanutbrittle · 27/04/2009 21:26

btw - I found this book very useful when at my wits end with DD1 - it's all about routines and expectations and getting the child on side with the whole thing

4 might be a teeny bit young, but might not

am gonna ignore that comment about just telling them "NO". Well, am not actually as I am addressing it. Doesn't work for us, either we are too soft (BIG possibility) or she is too stroppy, but it just isn't worth it. Now I have come to accept it we are all happy. And I am still downstairs by half eight or nine o clock.

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:27

custardo - Tried that, and believe me tried everything. She goes mental, banging on the floor the lot!

not so easy and trust me they dont see us as soft touches.

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DesperateHousewifeToo · 27/04/2009 21:30

When ds went through a stage like this, I did the ''I just need to go and do x, I'll be back in a couple of minutes''.

Gradually, taking longer to return.

Or just got on with stuff in my own room and ignored him.

I remember reading something (I think written by Tanya Byron) that said to try to show them that there is nothing to be scared of and try not to pander to them too much (my words)

He eventually stopped needing us there.

Unfortunately (a few years on), he now messes around- playing, getting out of bed, reading, that I spend half my time going upstairs giving him ultimatums. He'd rather we stayed downstairs

Tanya Byron:case one

scroll down half a page for this one

helsbels4 · 27/04/2009 21:32

Blimey, I didn't realise she didn't want you laying with her but just in your own bedroom!
No, I definitely wouldn't entertain that!
Have you asked her why she wants you there and why that makes her feel better?
I'm leaning towards Custardo now and thinking you should just be firm and say no!
Easier said than done

charmargot · 27/04/2009 21:35

How funny/peculiar. So she's alright being alone in her own room, but wants you to be in your room at the same time? Does she think she's missing out on some fun so if she forces you to go to bed too then she won't miss anything?
I hope you find a solution. I have no patience for tantrums and like my evenings so if my DD ever did this I'd be taking quite a firm line, but then that's me.
Can you find things to do upstairs? Take it in turns with dh? put some music on so she doesn't notice when you've gone downstairs?
Is she just lying there listening for you to tread downstairs? If she is then she's not getting a very restful night so I'd sacrifice a couple of nights of awful tantrums to ensure that in the long run she knew you'd do as you pleased and she could stop listening.
Good luck!

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:36

Desperatehousewifetoo--thanks so much for that link.

Thats a great help, its funny I was going to start the walking away and going in tucking in and saying its bedtime--good night.

but i think we will ask her tomorrow why she is wanting us upstairs. Brilliant article!!

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KingCanuteIAm · 27/04/2009 21:38

t875, you may have tried it but you have obviously given in at some point as you are back doing it again. What you are describing is a temper tantrum, she is manipulating you and testing you. Making up excuses etc are just her way of working out what will get a response and what will not. Children are designed to be manipulative, to test every given situation to turn it to their advantage, it is a survival mechanism. Your daughter is clearly very good at it. The thing is though, at 4 (and given her behaviour) she clearly can understand that some things work and some things don't. Therefore, by extension, she can also understand that demanding company at bedtime is one of those things that does not work.

Taking a rapid return approach could help, explain to her that she has her bedtime and you have yours and that you do not want to spend your evening in your bedroom then just put her back, no matter what her excuse, ignore floor thumping and screaming and general hystrionics. No conversation beyond a simple "it is bedtime" and no wavering.

It is not about seeing you as a soft touch it is simply that she sees this as her right for some reason and that is something that can be addressed.

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:39

Hi, Charmargot!

Yeah i watch for her to sleep and then i tip-toe downstairs.

yeah guess we have got to sacrafice the next few nights working on this.

Thanks for your adivse.

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DesperateHousewifeToo · 27/04/2009 21:40

I always find that she makes things sound sooo obvious. Sometimes we just need 'permission' from someone who knows about the right way to tackle a problem.

There may be other articles relevant too. Search Times online, for Tanya Byron.

Good luck. Hope you get your evenings back soon.

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:43

Thanks!

it was hubby kingcanute--he is the one that has allowed her to do it, i always come down..MEN! ugh! He best not go back on it now..anything for an easy life eh he just didnt want her freaking out and neither did I but i do go downstairs and he will always let her win.

I am going to try the walking in calmy saying "no its bedtime good night" and work on it back and forth till she gets the message.

Thanks for your advise!

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 27/04/2009 21:45

Part of me is tempted to say you should make dh sort it out - your way this time as his way has been proven to cause problems!

Anyway, Good luck

squilly · 27/04/2009 21:46

I think a big part of it is about control. They want to be Charlie in Charge and, custardo, saying no is the best thing on occasions. But there are times when even the strictest parents just can't be arsed don't want to enter into hostilities. That's when I devise something to do. It usually gets me some serious reading time/DS gaming time/laptop time, so I figure it's a win-win

Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:53

kingcanute - If he carries on doing it then he WILL be sorting it out!

Thanks again for all the advise..you may well have saved me from the loonie bin!

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Original poster

t875 · 27/04/2009 21:54

meant to say everyone.

ill let you know how i go!! x

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