Please help, My 15 months behaviour is getting worse and worse and feeling down (me)

[pamelat]

DD is 15 months.

She has always been high spirited and sometimes this is brilliant (she is good fun) and often it is exhausting. She is never still, she is vocal (and lovely) but she knows her mind and is very insistent about what she wants to do (climb stairs etc).

She is our first child. We have tried to let her have some independence and we do let her make some basic choices but we are still coming up against huge tantrums (which seems an early age for them?). These tantrums occur every time we change a nappy or get her dressed to examples such as being out and about and her not wanting to sit in a buggy for more than 15 minutes (so we have often "given in" and carried her) but now she strops because now she wants to walk (she only learnt a month ago) so again we sometimes let her walk but now she wants to walk unaided (without our hands or harness) on busy streets and we simply can't let her and she will scream and throw herself on the floor. I normally say something like "come on, its ok" and pick her up at that point but she will scream until distracted and i worry that by distracting her (which varies from food to pointing out other children/animals) we are perhaps spoiling her?

This week her behaviour has been terrible. My mum and MIL have even mentioned this to me.

However the poor mite has had such a hetic week. I was away with work Monday and Tuesday night (no choice). Wednesday she had her first full day at nursery. Thursday we had a day together but then Friday we went to center parcs for 3 nights. Its been far too much for her.

Since I went away she will not let me out of her sight and simply screams if I go anywhere. Again, I dont know what to do fort the best. I think I am giving conflicting messages to her because Saturday I basically carried her all afternoon and then by Sunday I simply could not so I would pass her to people (who she knows well, such as daddy or grandma) and let her scream it out.

I just dont know 1) what is "wrong" with her and 2) more importantly, what can I do?

I feel for her because she is frustrated and confused by life right now but at the same time I am struggling because I am finding her utterly draining and just craving time away from her. I booked today off work and we are having a home day together but I am regretting it as she is just so volatile, one minute giggling and the next screaming.

I think its emotion or behavioural based rather than teeth.

Any advice?

PS) She starts nursery properly next week, 3 days a week.

PPS) She has also developed (it would appear) a big anxiety about being left.

She used to just go to sleep at nap times (from about 5 months old) but these last few days she has needed holding to sleep. I really really dont want to go down that line permanently.

Poor you, this sounds very stressful.

My DD is a bit younger (13 months) but tbh this sounds like pretty normal behaviour for a toddler.

DD also has tantrums when I change her nappy and has become a lot less tolerant about long periods of time in the buggy or in the trolley at the supermarket, which she used to love. She has also started "fighting" sleep at nap and bedtimes.

I think once they are mobile, they just want to assert their independence - but obviously you can't always let them, hence the tantrums.

IMO, you are doing exactly the right thing by distracting her, I don't think this is spoiling her at all. You are just helping her get over her frustration.

If you can, try to get hold of a copy of Penelope Leach's Complete Baby and Toddler (or similar title) - maybe from the library, or I often see copies in charity shops. She is brilliant at explaining the psychology of this age group.

Your mum and MIL have probably forgotten what children of this age are like, and it's a bit of a shock when a sweet amenable baby suddenly morphs into a tantrumming toddler. Try not to let their comments get you down!

As you say, she's had a hectic week, and will probably calm down loads once she's had a bit of quiet time at home.

Can't offer much useful advice about separation/nursery, but I'm sure there will be lots of wise MNers along in a minute to comment on that.

Hang on in there, it is indeed a very frustrating age! I don't know how you feel about TV, but I find 1/2 an hour or so of CBeebies can be a life saver when I'm feeling a bit frazzled, and imo, it's good for kids to have a bit of down time too.

Thank you dustbuster. I think I do feel very stressed. I re read my OP and it did not really even sound like me.

Its amazing how much power one little person can hold over you.

I felt guilty for going away with work, and then guilty because I enjoyed it (I slept until 8am), and now guilty because whilst she did not appear to "miss" me as such, it now appears that I have traumatised her.

My DH (her dad) currently looks after her whilst I work but that will change next week when he starts work (after 5 months of redunancy ).

I also feel guilty (does this ever end?!) for wanting to go in to work on my day off for some peace and quiet.

Oh I know exactly what you mean! I feel guilty when I'm at work, and guilt when I'm at home - surely that's not the way it is supposed to work!

I don't think you should feel that you've traumatised her. Children do react to what's going on in their lives, but I think that's just their way of dealing with it.

Great news about your DH's new job. {smile]

HI Pamelat,
Reading your OP you seem to know already whats going on for your dd. By the sounds of it she has had far too much going on in the last week and there has been little consistency for her. (I don't mean to be hard on you, its really hard when you have a little one who is very independent).
I wouldnt worry that you've traumatised your dd, BUT it does sound like she needs a few days of boring routine where she knows exactly where she stands. If you think about it every one of the things that you did, or your dd did last week are stressful on their own, nevermind all crammed into a week.

I don't have the answers but if it is any consolation I know exactly how you feel. My DD is 16 months old and is very strong willed and stroppy but also quite clingy. I sometimes feel embarrassed by his behavour especially when with friends whose little ones seem so easy going and happy to sit in their pushchairs etc.. I have been beating myself up about it too. I have been told to try and ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good and that distraction is also a good option particularly in the early stages of a tantrum.

dd is 21 months now but here is my tip, put them in pullups as its quicker to change them standing up.
distraction isnt spooiling them as long as you dont give sweets.
when you start the walk let her walk pushing her own buggy, then when she is tired put her in the buggy.
all normal behaviour.

Pamalat - you've described my ds1 to a T here. I had forgotten how demanding he was, and how easy it was to see why he was behaving as he was, without actually being able to avoid it. It does pass. Strong willed little people turn into strong willed big people, but they develop better communication skills and become lovely rational beings too. (Not for a while yet though.)

Distraction is not spoiling. I wish I had discovered earlier how a calm voice, saying something banal but distracting, can reassure a child. You have to learn not to notice that they are getting stroppy, and to continue on with your life. But don't resort to finding very exciting things - Oooh look, an ice cream van! Lets eat! You have to learn to get excited about ordinary things - Hey look at this amazing leaf. Isn't it beautiful? Do you think we could make a picture of it? No? OK let's go. Shall we walk or hop? (Hey did you see that giraffe walk around the corner? Let's go and find it!) Only if they continue to tantrum should you go into Other mode - preferably by getting your mobile out to do some texting and completely ignore them!

HTH. It can be exhausting but I so wish I'd been able too ignore those people who try to make you feel bad about your child. It's not good for them and its not good for you. She was not really 'behaving badly' at the table. She is very little and was being very tired - even though my mother and MIL would have made me feel as if my child should have been able to sit still and eat too. She is likely to be more tired going to nursery over the next few weeks, but I think it is much better to cut them some slack. She will settle back into a routine sooner or later.

(Personally I would try again with the reigns or at least a hand strap for a while, unless she will hold your hand/a pushchair at all times. It will make walking anywhere a lot easier for the next 5 years if she has the idea that you have to go together - even if it means you stopping to look at a lot of leaves/drains/sticks etc for a while.)

Thank you can I just ask one last thing about specific advice (before she wakes up)

There were a few occassions this weekend when we would all sit down to eat in our villa and she would have had enough after 10 minutes. She tries to climb out of the chair despite being strapped in and generally "shouts".

A few of these times I let her down to play on the floor but both grandmas think that she should sit until we are finished.

I guess that after a few fractious days I was just trying to do anything for an easier life (for everyone).

In a restaurant I would ask her to sit and maybe take her a walk around mid meal but it felt a bit unnecessary in a family enivronment in a villa, or am I not being clear about behaviour with her?

My aunt said "maybe if you leave her she might fall to sleep" .... ???!! in the high chair. Unlikely.

In that situation I would try distracting her with a toy or another type of food or a low key game that you could play with her in her high chair, until you were all ready to leave the table. If yu would normally expect this in a estaurant then i would expect it at home or wherever else too.

I learnt with our first child that you only need to do something once for a child to think that they can do it all the time

Sorry about the awful typing, keyoard is playing up

Silly question re being in high chair - do you have a stock of toys she can 'discover' once she's finished her food? This sometimes works for our son, though they don't always last for long before they get chucked away.

Another game might be a blinking game - you blink at her, she blinks back etc.

Might be worth a try, if you've not done this already...

At home, I have always let my children leave the table when they have finished eating, they just go and play with their toys while we or our guests finish eating. If we are eating out then they have to stay in their seats or sit on our laps.

My youngest is now three and those nappy changes being done standing up are now an amusing memory.

The only thing in your op I would be firm on would be the holding hands in busy places/car parks etc. I use distraction alot but for safety issues I don't. It is a case of they have to do what they are told. When dd1 or 2 wouldn't hold hands they went straight back in the buggy and were told it was because they wouldn't hold hands. This was repeated for what felt like forever until they got the message. HTH

My DD is also 15mths and just the same

TBH she is not too bad in the highchair but dressing/undressing her is a nightmare and I often lose the will to live

She also doesn't like going in the buggy/carseat (but can't yet walk) and does the whole body stiff as a board thing while screaming. Can be quite embarrassing if out in public But once in buggy/car seat and over initial tantrum she is ok...

She is my 2nd DC so you think I would be more experienced at dealing with this

The main problem I have is the fighting/squabbling with her older brother. She wants what he has and screams till she gets it. She has also now started biting him to get him to drop said toy and this evening drew blood

She was so bad last week that I rang a private nursery to find out how much it would cost to send her for one day a week to get a break

She is also very vocal, loves singing & nursery rhymes etc..

She is also very huggy and loving but wish she would stop the screaming

well, if i didn't know better i would say you were describing my dd 14 months. I would like to offer some words of wisdom but i, unfortunately, do not have any. Distraction is my method (often unsuccessful) of choice. It is not spoiling her because at this age they do not understand that they have done anything wrong, they are merely trying to express themselves. As far as nursery goes, do not beat yourself up about it. I work full time and DC's go to a childminder and although we have the odd morning where DD is upset, she is fine. We all feel guilty sometimes about leaving them but I have to to provide for them. DS is 5 and has not suffered at all for being in childcare from a young age, and is a very loving young man who is very close to his mummy :0 and secure in his existence.

thanks all, its good to know that I/we are not alone

Re the high chair, we have lots of toys and do try different foods but it all ends up on the floor as she has simply reached the end of her ability or desire to sit still. Sometimes I worry that she is a bit hyper active but then I think that maybe all toddlers are.

I think that she would sit still if I gave her a cake or something similar but we try to not always give her things like that, and really I would rather her get down to play than sit and eat cake.

Its difficult as sometimes I feel that she tires herself out so much and that that is then the cause of her grouchy behaviour.

We tried to have a gentle day together today, but unfortunately a 20 min car trip became an hour on the M1. I sang nursery rhymes for most of that, fed her rice cakes , gave toys, bits of paper and my mobile phone etc but none of it could compensate for the fact that she was restrained for so long and she just screamed for the last hour an hour. Even incy wincy spider could not cure it.

I keep telling myself that this is a stage.

She is also learning a lot of emotional behaviour/manipulation (nothing out of the ordinary but it must be tiring for her) she will often cling to me and refuse to go to her dad, bury her head in my chest and look at him shouting "no" but giggling and with a glint in her eyes and then vice versa.

She is lovely, beautiful, fun and incredibly precious to us but she is such a handful. I wondered whether all toddlers were the same but I am being told not .............

The only thing i have found that works re the high chair problem is to give small amounts of food then when that is finished give more iyswim...

DD only eats finger food type meals now and it seems to work ok.

Today she had scotch pancakes and some banana for lunch (she is dairy/soya intolerant so I struggle for meals ) then she was just losing interest and flinging it on floor then I gave her some strawberries & blueberries which kept her entertained for a bit longer.

She also likes trying to eat with a fork too which keeps her in highchair longer...

Both my dc were like this (DS still is to some extent) and I'm afraid the only places we eat out at are pubs with gardens.

DS will just climb out of his highchair when he's had enough (even strapped in). DD's a little better now that she's four.

IMO it's unreasonable to expect a toddler to remain seated in a highchair whilst adults finish their food.

I have yet to persuade either of them ever to hold my hand. DD can, however, now be trusted. DS just ends up being carried everywhere

I always carry a box of raisins for purposes of keeping DS quiet in pushchair/highchair when all else has failed and you just want to buy yourself 10 minutes peace and quiet. Also, imho, 15 mths is quite young to expect her to sit still until everyone at the table has finished eating. There is plenty to time to instil good table manners - DD is now 3.9 and has pretty good table manners but I wouldn't have forced her to stay in her highchair for the duration of a meal when she was that age.

Regarding the clinginess, I went back to work part time when DD was a year old. When she was 15 mo, I had to go away for work and was away for 2 nights (but missed bedtime on 3rd night so to DD was 'missing' for 3 nights). Although she was fine while I was gone she became super-clingy when I got back. It lasted about 2 weeks but we did get back on track after that.

Finally, DS is 17 mo and I can sympathise entirely with what you're going through. It's a difficult age with so much frustration surrounding a lot of what they do but like all phases, it will pass (only to be replaced by something equally hideous! ). And don't torment yourself about feeling guilty for not enjoying the 'quality time' with DD - I'm a SAHM now but sometimes think back fondly to when I used to get to go to work 3 days a week!

By the way, Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green also a v good read to help understand the toddler brain.

I just want to send you some sympathy. I do a job which requires me to be away for bedtimes/in the night quite frequently, and DS (21 months) has recently started with a CM for a couple of days a week. He's been incredibly clingy recently, screams if I close the garden gate while I get something from the car boot, even though he can see me the whole time!

I can't offer much advice except that my instinct says try to offer as much routine and consistency as you can, and be as patient as possible without rewarding tantrums with attention. A great tip I was given on here was to ignore the tantrum but start doing something interesting close by and speak very softly so that they need to stop yelling to hear you. That's seemed to work on a couple of occasions.

She sounds like a brilliant little livewire, full of energy and fire and frustrated with all these unreasonable limitations you keep placing on her (not allowed to run around fast moving traffic? It's so unfair!). It will pass, these things always do. But I know that reconciling these behavioural problems with your conscince when you have to work is really tough. Try to be nice to yourself, this isn't easy and nobody would tell you different.

Thanks all once again. Lolaladybird, its reassuring to read that after you had been away for 3 days ( I missed 2 bed times but 3 whole days) the clingyness passed. I used to jokingly "complain" that she was never bothered about me, now I realise that having a clingy child is hard work but clingy and still high spirited/independent is just too much for me right now.

Since she turned 1 DD has lost some interest in food, she would rather throw it at our cat poor thing. Food used to be a certain distraction but now I need animals or to borrow older children.

DH tried to take her to a car showroom garage at the weekend (silly idea) I think he had an idea of walking around holding her hand and discussing the merits of X verus X However he ended up retrieving her from half way up their steps to the offices and then trying to stop her from unplugging the computer. Monkey, worth it but I/we are only getting by by remembering its a stage. Its easy to make light of it at 9pm when all is silent and well.

Sounds a lot like DS (16 months).

DD was like it to an extent but was more easily distracted, DS knows what he wants and sticks to it.

RE the pushchair he is usually ok once we're moving but if not I let him walk a while (unless I'm in a hurry) but put him back in as soon as he starts playing up. He has one of those backpacks with reins on and is quite happy to wear that but not the normal reins.

I let him get down once he has finished eating, it's not ideal but nor is having him fling himself sideways out of the chair screaming. In a restaurant he'll either sit on our laps or play under the table, I don't lt him run completely riot but sometimes takes him for a little walk like you said.

I've found with ds the distraction needs to be quite vigorous to work, eg dh often has success by throwing him in the air or wrestling him. When we're walking I often get him to hold my hand by getting dd to race us-he can run much faster if he is holding my hand.

It is completely knackering though, ds goes from wildly happy to screaming in rage in seconds

fairmidden - cheers Going to try your tip on talking quietly when DD has tantrums. Think it might work with her especially if I involve DS

DD (now 21 months) is also a highly sensitive and spirited child and our experiences have been very similar.

DD wants to walk everywhere and to be fair she can walk a surprisingly long way before she gets tired however there are many times where its not practical and she has to go in a pushchair or trolley which inevitably results in a tantrum. I have learnt the hard way that I need to try to explain to her before she goes into the pushchair that she is going in it soon but then also tell her when she will be able to walk (e.g once we are at the park, when we have finished the shopping etc). It feels like she is understanding this more as she gets older and also is learning that I keep my promise and she does get to walk later as I have said as the tantrums are getting less and less. Obviously it doesn't always work and there are the inevitable tantrums as she wants to walk now now NOW!!! but I just put on my thick skin and ignore it for a few minutes and then try and distract her with something once she's had a few minutes to vent her anger. If I let DD walk and she starts to run off/refuses to hold my hand etc, then she is warned that she will go back in the pushchair and after endless occasions of carrying out my threat she is starting to understand and comply (again not always but more often than not). My CM has taught her to hold onto pushchair rather than her hand and DD seems to prefer that so I let her do that unless we are near cars when she has to hold my hand or go in the pushchair.

Re nappy changes I have also learnt the hard way that I need to find something to distract her before i put her on the changing mat. The latest thing that works is getting her to fetch the nappy from the stacker and ask her what animal picture is on the nappy she also has a nappy of her own to hold.

I am a great believer in either distraction or ignoring tantrums and trying to not to shout but to explain things calmly and quietly (I don't always manage this I have to add!). I don't think its spoiling them at all, it difuses the situation and helps to get your happy child back as quickly as possible which is ultimately the best solution for everyone (embarrased grandparents included!)

I'm afraid I have had to learnt to ignore comments from grandparents on DD's behaviour. They do forget what its like and also my parents didn't have a 'spirited' child and the reality is that they will fly off the handle more, its in their nature. I 'finally' feel that my parents understand that I do have a rather highly strung child and are actually beginning to see that its not my parenting that's caused it and that the way I manage it does actually help to calm her down as quickly as is possible.

Sorry there isn't a magic solution. I think you are doing all the right things and need to hang in there a bit longer before you see some results and even then accept that your DD will always be slightly more volatile than some of her friends. Welcome to the club!!