Why won't she do what I ask when I use nice voice?

[DuffyFluckling]

Typical exchange, imagine this repeated 50 times a day for various different situations:

[Dd wearing her ballet shoes and opening patio doors}
Me: Dd, please stay in the house if you want to wear your ballet shoes.
Dd: [Continues to open door]
Me: Dd! Take off your ballet shoes before you go outside.
Dd: [trips outside in ballet shoes, grinning].
Me: Dd. I am asking you NOT to wear your ballet shoes in the garden.
Dd: [dances about in ballet shoes in garden, giggling]
Me: DD I SAID NOT OUTSIDE IN YOUR BALLET SHOES. INSIDE NOW!
Dd: [Cheerfully comes inside, removes ballet shoes, and trots off to play in the garden].

She's just 3.

I hate that every exchange has to end in me raising my voice if I want any hope of her acknowledging me.

I do pick my battles.

Tell me how to do it better.

I think that by saying "please do this" you are making it sound like a pleasant request, that she can choose not to listen to.

perhaps if you start by saying "dd, no ballet shoes outside"
or
"dd, take your ballet shoes off before you go out"
or
"dd put proper shoes on for outside"

that makes it less of a choice and more of a definite "those are NOT for the garden" iyswim? you don't have to raise your voice but you need to make it 100% clear what you mean

At least she did it even though you had to shout! My DS (age almost 9) could learn a few lessons from your DD.
How about if you praised her for being such a good girl not going outside in her ballet shoes before the situation arises, so that she knows your pleased with her for not going outside?
Have tried this with my DD (17 months) and I find if I tell her shes a good girl lots of times before she does it or when she doesnt do something shes not supposed too it really works. Wish I had tried this approach with DS when he was younger!

As yesterday says, I would also add

ask once nicely
once sternly
then go and take them off her
If she lets you take them off without a fuss let her go in garden
if she makes a fuss - deny her privelege of garden until she makes suitable apology etc

I like the idea of pre-emptive praising. Will try that.

this is my main problem as well. until i was shouting nothing was done, nothing was to be taken seriously. what i did and worked well was the rewarding chart. of course i couldn't apply it to all those issues we had, in the same time, but at least it worked on some of them, one at a time. 5y old DD used to talk back to all of us, parents and teachers. she got stars for not doing it for a couple of months. then came the morning rutine into the chart scheme .... same .... every 5 stars she would get a tiny present. otherwise nothing seemed to work, no reasoning, no explanations, she would pretend to listen and maybe say 'yes mami' and still do it her own way. it's so frustrating!

Its not the WAY you say it its what you say and HOW you put it.

Be CLEAR.

Nice voice...NO BALLET SHOES OUTSIDE
Or.. Do NOT wear your ballet shoes outside.

Saying 'Please stay in the house if you want to keep your ballet shoes on' is not short, to the point, and easy to remember.

DuffyFlucking - I would have had the same conversation.

However, analysing what happened, it is clear DD wanted to go outside. That was her main driver. To her, the shoes were unimportant to her main objective of getting outside ASAP which of course she knows she is normally allowed to do and really enjoys.

What should have happened is you saying in a nice voice "come on DD let me help you put your wellies on so you have a nice splash about in the garden and then we can go and see the ducks in the park later".

What would have actually happened in our house is I would have used a stern voice and directed her to get her ballet shoes off and get her wellington boots on and then only gone to help her after she had struggled for a while.

Its just a phase - she and you wil get through although DS1 (age 9) and DS2 (age 7) seem to be still in that phase sometimes. They are good boys generally though which I am sure your DD is too. .

Life with my 3yo ds has been very similar lately, I was starting to feel like I spent my whole day shouting at him. He hates it too, says "dont shout at me mummy!' but it drives me so crazy when he doesn't listen to repeated reasonable requests or instructions. Now we have an understanding - I will ask nicely three times, after that I will shout. I rarely get to that stage, saying " I will tell you one more time nicely" or "I have asked you three times...." usually does the trick.

#yup, like this in our house too.
what works is to give a reason - eg 'dd, take your ballet shoes off before you go in garden, so they don't get muddy. thanks'

oh, just realised i do pre-emptive praising too.

also sometimes she just isnt listening so i get her attention first 'dd (look at me)!'

Absolutely agree with stercusaccidit - too many words.

You could say "Ballet shoes inside, wellies outside" or similar but just try to weed out all the unneccessary stuff.

A bit like PPs, I would emphasise what she CAN wear outside.

"No ballet shoes outside, but you CAN wear your frog wellies with the flashing handles!" (or whatever ? try and make it a bit more attractive!)

" ... but you CAN wear your wellies, so you can splash in all the puddles!"

" ... but you CAN wear your shoes that will let you climb the tree!"

... or similar! I would just try and turn the negative thing of "you can't" around.

yup, agree with orangespacedust

You MUST get 501 ways to be a good parent off ebay its a brilliant book IMO.

When kids get older it is lovely to praise them and give them big explainations.. fact of the matter is that sometimes you just can not do this all the time, or may need an immediate response. In this case i use as few words as possible to keep things clear and understandable.

Everyones parenting style is different. IMO by the time you have finished the sentence, she is halfway down the garden hence short and sweet.. but the times you can take the time to explain are great too

You will find a parenting style that works well for both of you, but you have been given some good pointers here.