Being the Mum of the "naughty boy"......

[Sallyre]

It's not a phase of parenting I imagined when cuddling my adorable little baby boy. However said baby boy is now 4 and a half, started school in January and is fast becoming the naughtiest boy in school.....(he's also the youngest). The first half of term was great - he loved school, was often on the "thinking spot" but settled in fine. Then towards the end of that first term it all started to go downhill.

He can't sit still. He hits, he spits and he once bit another child. Every day I seem to be asked to stay behind to have a word with his Reception teacher.

We tried star charts - in their class they get up to 5 stars a day for good behaviour - and for us each star equalled time on Ds's favourite website (Ben 10) - he began the week getting 3 stars...ended up with none on Friday.

We talk and talk about "good choices", about "sticks and stones may break my bones" as a response instead of smacking someone. How much he hurts other people. How he'll have no friends if he can't play nicely. How he should keep his hands and feet to himself....

He's a very imaginative, bright boy and he does still love school. But I just feel that it's my fault or I'm doing something wrong...that's what I always imagined when I saw naughty kids on the bus or whatever before I joined the parent club. God so many of my pre-conceptions have changed since having kids!

Anyway - there's no problems at home, nothing different....

I try and ask him what triggers his behaviour but half the time he starts telling me about aliens or making up stories....so apart from strapping a nannycam to his forehead so I can watch what he's up to, I don't really know what to do. I spoke to the Deputy Head who gave me a copy of the school rules to talk to DS about. But we talk and talk, he assures us he's going to have a great day and then at 3.15 there's his teacher going...can I just have a word?

It's really upsetting me. I have NO idea what to do....

Poor you. It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. Sometimes things don't work immediately. The only thing I can suggest (and only because it's not in your post) is making sure he gets plenty of sleep. It can be a tiring day for little ones. And I'm a believer in protein for breakfast. I think behaviour in children is often linked to body matters.

And I thnk you have to keep apologising and woking with the teacher which you are clearly doing.

I hope it comes right.

Thanks nkf...it's so frustrating! The sleep issue might be key actually - I also have a 2yr old Ds who has never slept through - he wakes us all up in the night so we're all tired including DS1....and the sleeping has been worse recently...God now you point it out it clicks!

My Mum said the protein for breakfast thing - I'll try it.

Thank you for your advice! I just don't know where to turn and I knew MN would help....

Hi Sallyre Do I dare ask what he's diet is like ? I had similar experience with my ds2 an August baby (but he's a different story ). The first thing I did was alter his diet dramatically. Cut out aspartame (sweeteners), preservatives, artificial colours and additives. Cut down on sweets and chocolate and made sure he took Omega 3,6, & 9 every day. He's behaviour improved allot. You would be surprised what food contains really harmful preservatives that can affect kids behaviour ie" bread and bacon

Just a thought.

I also think that if this behaviour mostly happens in school then the onus is on them to come up with strategies and for you to back them up at home. If you don't even know what is going on then you are limited in what you can do.

I totally agree re sleep and diet. Alsoexercise?

I was going to say diet too!

Also 4 seems to be a notoriously difficult age especially for boys. I've seen lots of threads on here saying similar things to yours. I've heard (and I don't know how true it is) that boys get raised levels of testosterone around this age which can affect behaviour.

I certainly know that my brother and two of my friends all had trouble with their boys at this age, and they are all lovely little boys but became quite aggressive and 'naughty' for a while.

If the other children are older than him, maybe they have already passed through this stage? You do sound as if you're doing the right things so hopefully he'll settle down.

He is so little! It will probably settle down.

Meanwhile speak to the teacher about specific strategies to put in place so school and home are working together.

As a primary school teacher (not working atm) I would say it is far to early to be actually worried iyswim, just hang on in there.

Ooh I've been there too - I just to cringe and try to hide every time the teacher came out the class room at the end of the day! I found it hard to believe that my lovely boy was always in trouble at school.

Agree with TheProvincialLady the only way to manage it is to work with the school. Has the teacher given you any reasons for his poor behaviour or any particular times that trigger it? Is it at play times/when all seated on floor for whole class activities/in afternoons? Was DS1 just mornings for the first term and now full time? By the time Ds is home he has probably forgotten what prompted the outburst.

The diet thing sounds like a good line of enquiry. My boys both had horrendous patches at 4 and are now relatively trouble-free (touch wood) at school. One even entirely broke a nanny we then had...

I always admired the mother of 'the naughty boy' at our old toddler group. She was consistent and firm and calm and seemed unflappable. I'm quite sure she wasn't, because what mother is? When he was really naughty (hitting, kicking, biting) she would swoop and remove him from the situation, explain what he was doing was wrong, give him a couple of minutes thinking time, and then help him come and appologise, then move right on. There was no big song and dance - all just calm and low key. I think her trick was that he was her absolute priority when they were at toddler group. She was never off eating biscuits and gassing and ignoring him. She let him get on with things, but she always kept an eye. She worked harder than the rest of us.

Mums of naughty boys have a duty to be 'on guard'. I also hate the lazy cows who sit back and pretend they are not with the little love who is kicking the crap out of some poor unsuspecting child. My ds1 was a biter until he was 3yo. I was always one step behind him as I dreaded the moment those jaws opened, for no reason, and chomp! I rarely had time for chatting and coffee and my mates used to laugh at me when we got together ... mind you, he kept me very trim Now a delightful 12yo

Sallyre what's you ds like with his friends out of school?

Thank you everyone - just reading all that made me feel better - especially HumphreyCobbler - thank you so much for that reassurance. I too have heard about the testosterone surge so I keep repeating in my head "this too shall pass!"

Ok - food - I am not an all organic brown rice kind of mum. But I do cook good food 70% of the time (pizza and sausages the rest of the time)- and he LOVES his veggies - give him a plate of broccoli, chips and meat and he'll eat the broccoli first! And he eats more fruit than he should - would eat apples all day if he could. We eat seedy bread and a lot of fish too so his Omega 3 is high. He does have sweets but only once a week, puddings tend to be frozen yogurt or fruit.

With his friends out of school he's fine really - occasionally they fight a bit but he's not spat or anything. And in his after school gymnastics club he has the same problems of sitting/standing still for long periods but he's getting better.

When he misbehaves in the park or pushes a kid at the playplace I always time him out and make him apologise. I never threaten something unless I mean to follow it through...I thought I was doing the right things which is why I was so upset that there was no improvement in his behaviour.

DH and I have talked about the suggestions and advice here - the sleep was the big DOH moment - we've just taped black bin bags on the youngest's window as he's consistently waking the house at 5.30am - let's see if that fools him into going back to sleep and not disturbing his big brother (and me!)

One thing happened today after I'd posted the first message - he got a postcard from the Head with "Excellent" written on it - for his invaluable input in class discussions. It's lovely - they choose one child per year to get the Head's postcard each week so it's a really big deal and it's perfect timing - giving him something positive for the first time in weeks - he's a very verbal boy and very imaginative - and I think his teacher also picked up on how upset I've been about his behaviour so this showed me he's not all bad.

It was just great to be able to post it here and get such good advice and not feel like a crap mum! Also nice to hear from Mums who have gone through this and have lovely 12yos!

Again - as always in MN - thank you!

I would just add one thing.....check carefully what the teacher is expecting. Is this totally realistic for a 4 year old boy? Two friends of mine had this problem with their sons of 4. Turns out that this behaviour was when they were expected to sit on the carpet for half an hour with legs crossed and hands together and listen to a story. Really they were being compared with what turned out to be older children who were mainly girls. Funnily enough when they went back in September their behavour had magically improved ( ie that were now actually old enough to do what was expected of them).

Risingstar I agree with your post. My ds was often in trouble last year for not sitting still and he liked fiddling with the girls' hair when he sat next to them (I don't mind if he becomes a hairdresser if he becomes a celerity one and earns loads of cash).

But this year he has been much better and is doing well although he still has issues concentrating at times and his teacher thinks he could do even better than he is doing. He also got things like headteachers' awards - it does make a huge difference.

I am sure things improve for most boys between YR and Y1 - even the older ones can have difficulties in YR (mine is a November birthday and one of his friends who also had difficulties is a November birthday too).