child who cannot control his temper and cannot handle disappointment

[nelly59]

Help! My ds who is 11, nearly 12 has a terrible temper and often has tantrums like a two year old. My dh and I have tried many different ways of handling him over the years, read tons of parenting books, been on parenting courses, seen well-meaning but unhelpful people from health authority etc but to no use. Ds finds it difficult to come to terms with the fact that things don't always go his way, and everyone's life is disrupted even though we do all the usual things like praising and rewarding good behaviour, blah blah blah, you name it we've done it. I could write a book myself. 'Experts have said he's not hyperactive, doesn't have a medical problem but I'm fed up with people around me rejecting us as a family because of his behaviour. Having said that he can be lovely but we need to sort it out. Any advice?

know what you mean, my son is 13 and i slapped him on the arm the other day - he turned realy quickly on me with a scary look on his face - i was a bit scared - he is bigger than me now - i just laughed at him and said dont even think about it - your dad would put you down so hard you wouldnt get up - bet u really wanted my bit of lighthearted advice!!

have you read the thread where someone advised to take a tantrum toddler into the garden and pour a jug of water over when they started?

even if it didnt work - you would have fun - and the look on his face would be a picture!

Nelly59

is this a problem you have at home, or does he create in the same way at school/with friends etc.

If he has this problem everywhere then I think you do need professional help.

However as you havn't mentioned a problem at school (and I know they would have told you) then it suggests that he needs a VERY strict laying down of boundaries by his parents. He pushes you to see what he can get away with, confident it seems that he can win.

Pick your battles carefully, don't fight about something unimportant, but when an issue arises which is important make sure you win. withdraw privileges, withhold pocket money, lock him in his room, try not to resort to physical violence unless he needs a sharp shock to get him to listen to you (apologies to the anti smacking brigade, sometimes hysterical children just HAVE to be stopped). At 11 he needs to know he can't have everything his way. If he doesn't learn it now you and he will have many more problems later.

This won't be easy. sometimes you will want to give in just because you are exhausted, but draw on inner reserves and stick to your guns. Make sure you and your dh are consistent, don't let ds play you off against each other. If he can't do what he wants, make sure he knows a reason. Please don't just say no. Also try to say YES once in a while, so he doesn't feel he always looses.

You are not the only ones, but only you can make the difference, by being strong with him.

Lots of luck

thanks everyone for your advice which I shall be continuing to try (although I'm not sure about the water one!) It is never easy sticking to boundaries is it but I know it is necessary.

.nelly59
I think its important that you talk to your friends to and let them know you need their support and not rejection.Let them know you are finding his behaviour difficult to cope with.I have given friends a wide birth before because of this then again I have friends with children that are very badly behaved but as long as I know they are doing something about it it much better to cope with and understand.
Wonder if they do assertive classes for teenagers sounds like he needs it.I have a 5 year old who sounds just like this was hoping he would grow out of it but I bet like your son he is really loving too

With all due respect have you wondered why his behaviour is ok at school and not at home?Try doing a behavioural diary including negative and positive behavior and after a while you may find there is some sort of pattern.are you positive that the school is being totally honest with you about his behaviour?maybe the school could start a behavioural diary aswell he may well be displaying similar behaviour but in a more conformed/subtle way.You could go to your gp and ask to be referred to Child and Adolescent mental health who could maybe see if there is an underlying emotional problem,children often show signs of bad behaviour because they are depressed about something,I urge you to tread carefully though as social services could become involved and unless they feel you have done everything in your power to help your son they could end blaming you for possible emotional neglect.sorry about the words of warning but I have been there.I hope my advice is of benefit to you and that your situation improves.

nelly59

How's things??

have you investigated matters at school, Are you getting anywhere with a new tough regime?

thinking of you

lol

NELLY59- I have a son who turned 12 feb of this year and i thought you had his twin brother when i read your thread! I have and am still always on his case, he has been like that as far back as 5 years old, it was like he was going through his adolescence early on to me!
My son is hearing impaired and needs to wear hearing aids so some of his problem may be due to frustration, although when he is at school he is really well behaved. I feel that he is struggling at school whether it just be with his schoolwork and having special needs or socially and he is not telling me. This could be the reason why he takes it out on us when he comes home from school because we are the closest ones to him.
I know what you are going through, it makes me angry when people misunderstand my sons behaviour and i remind them that he isnt in with a crowd of kids who practice any form of anti-social behaviour, its just he can be over the top in my house and wind us up so easily and like you i have tried all types of tactics, i tried positive reinforcement and social deprivation etc with him and even though its hard work it does work! I wonder if your son has some issues with school he isnt telling you, i really dont think its a problem at home.Anyway, i sympathize with you and your husband but remember you are definately not alone in this.

My son is exactly the same. He is 10 no medical probs.He has been excluded from school for days here and there coz he is disruptive and wont listen to his teacher. He will only work when he wants to. At first we used to ground him (didnt work)then put him to bed (didnt work) take pocket money away and exclude him from days out (didnt work). I then enrolled him in a local football team as a bribe which did work. If he was good in school he could go to football, if he was naughty he did not go end of!!!
This worked for months and then he started being naughty in school again so we stopped football he has been naughty for the last 4 weeks and I am absolutely sick of him. (he has been excluded from school again today) He is good at home maybe coz I am a little strict but there is a defo problem at school.He has loads of friends but there is one thing that I do know about my son and his temprement and that is if he feels he is getting the blame for something he has not done he will kick right off.
One incident last term cost him the chance to go on a school trip I was o.k with that until I found out by another mum that a lad who was also disruptive (more so than my son and I am not defending him) could go coz his mum worked so she could not mind him. I went ballistic at the school as I believe in fairness to all with no result.

I know its not 'politically correct' these days but I have given my son a spanking for tantrums. Nothing else worked - a spanking does, so it's well worth any criticism which will be levelled at me for hitting my kids!

Judith

Judith-I am not part of the anti-spanking campaign, however i do use it as a last resort. Positive and negative reinforcement works for mine every time, as i am consistent and do not feel guilty. My son used to hit my daughter everytime he was on his play station, it used to make him aggressive when he lost games, and take it out on my daughter so i confiscated it weeks at a time, he never did it again, if he did he knew why i took it away and he took it on the chin and became alot more respectful to me.children like to have boundaries, it makes them feel more secure, if you keep moving the goal posts they just push you to the limits. I have all the knowledge on child psychology although i am not always in the mood for it. On very rare occasions, when i have tried the reasonable approach and given plenty of warning, i DO sometimes smack their bottoms, but never when i feel out of control, if i feel out of control i send them to their room until i have calmed down and they know whats coming so they mellow out pretty much.

MaVictoria

It is very common for children who are being stressed at school to come home and take it out on their parents! It's because they are safe there. The trouble is getting the school to believe it so that they will change their practices to make school easier for him. Is he geting the help he needs with his hearing impairment?