Distress at nursery drop off - at what point would you call the whole thing off?

[KERALA1]

DD is 2.9. She started at nursery 6 months ago. Initially it was 2 mornings a week but she got so distressed at the drop off I changed it to once a week for 4 hours. Every time I tell her that we are going she gets very upset and the drop offs are awful, crying, yelling, clinging to my legs. This has now been going on for 6 months now and if anything is getting worse.

She is a quiet thoughtful child and doesnt usually have tantrums so when she is so hysterically distressed I dont want to just dismiss it. She plays beautifully with other children at friends houses and ours, so her social skills aren't lacking. I think she just doesn't like the noise and chaos of the nursery, which is a great nursery btw.

Am considering pulling her out but whenever I mention that I might do so to other mums they are quite disapproving the consensus seems to be that children this age "need" to go to nursery to prepare for school etc. Any thoughts?

personally i would take her out and try again in say 6mths, its ages away until she starts school, so there is no need to rush things. I would just carry on with play dates and maybe try and find a local playgroup (where you stay with her) to fill the time she is normally at nursery.

I notice she is summer-born. If your strategy is to pull her out, give her time to recover, and try again elsewhere perhaps for at least a term before school starts, you may need to act quite quickly.

Ignore the other mothers as they will have their own agenda.

Nobody NEEDS to go to nursey. If it's that upsetting for both of you, stop sending her.

WWe tried two nurseries before finding one DD liked.

I completely agree with Kerala1, and disagree with the other mums. My dd wasn't ready for preschool till 3 - some are older - and there is no hurry. Your poor dd sounds really unhappy - listen to her, not peer pressure! I'm sure she'll be fine in a few months.

4 hours is quite a long time. Perhaps she's be happier going more frequently (to get used to going, 6 days is a long time between sessions) but for less time?

I'd take her out
she can go to preschool for 5 sessions a week when she is 3 for free and it's only for 2 and a half hours and if you get one attached to the school she'll be going to you'll make friends with the other mums and she'll met her classmates

they don't "need" to go at all. if she isn't happy then there is no point forcing it IMO.

I took my 3 yr old out because he just wasn't enjyoing it.
a few months later he asked to go again and has been fine ever since.

it doesn' tmatter what other mums say. you know your daughter and what she needs best

DD was like this for a while - we moved her from afternoons to mornings and she was fine. I also attended a couple of mornings and did things with the kids and that seemed to help. She got used to it and while she's still not keen, she has settled.

But it just sounds like your LO might be a bit too young. Pull her out, try again in six months. You have nothing to lose.

Thanks for the responses. Pretty much decided to withdraw her, spend the summer in the garden then start at the pre school round the corner in late autumn for a morning or two. Just that everyone I speak to is so pro nursery feel dd is somehow condemned for hating it but all my instincts are to bin it. She is so young and surely her not liking nursery won't mean she won't settle at school (fingers crossed!)

I think once a week is too long a gap between sessions for her to settle.
I she doesn't need to go ( ie fi you are working), then I wouldnt send her for the sake of it.
DS1 used to be like this at nursery, but I had to leave him as I was working.
He got better when he went 3 days a week instead of 2, he bonded better with his key worker.

I don't think they need to go but my 2.6 little girl loves her pre school. She hated it at first and I was asked to pick her up once as she got so upset.

She now kisses me bye and tells me I'm not allowed to school.

I think the reason she adapted is that she goes for 2.5 hrs on a Monday and Thursday so the sessions aren't long and they are spread out.

The little boy over the road still screams when he goes but I think its because he goes Monday and Tuesday and there is a big gap.

Whilst I don't think any child needs to go I hope it works out for you as it is so lovely to hear my daughter tell me about her friends at pre school or hear her sing a new song.

KERALA1 - I am not pro-nursery. We have put DD in and frankly it's caused more problems than anything - nightmares, bad behaviour etc., threadworms.

Yes it's good for socialisation but they don't play with other kids really till they are 3 and then they can go to pre-school.

I think you are making the right decision for your child.

Does it take her long to settle down after you leave? Does she enjoy her time at the nursery? By that I mean does she interact with other children, enjoy playing, joins in activities etc?
What have the nursery teachers said? Surely they have seen it all before and can give you an idea whether she is simply reluctant to seperate from you or whether she is not ready for nursery yet.

FWIW, DS1 never had a problem leaving me at nursery aged 2.6, DS2 struggled for a couple of months aged 3.0 - and DS3 is too young .

Agree with other posters, if it is that upsetting to you and her, give her a break and try again after a little while/different nursery.

Good luck!

KERALA1 - When we took DS1 and DS2 to nursery there as a little boy who used to scream and cling to his mother eery morning. She used to just give him to one of the nursery staff, say goodbye and not hang around.

What happened as soon as she left was he shut up and stared playing. The nursery staff told me this happened a lot with a lot of children.

What do the nursery staff say about DD when you have gone? Does she settle down? It is often the journey to nursery and the build up and parting that upsets - not the actual experience of being there.

Ironically, the big gap between visits of a week may actually be making it worse. If she went every day all day she might get into a routine.

It is very hard though for a parent to see their child in that much distress - so I do not underestimate how hard it is for you too.

Agree with Abetadad
DS literally had to be peeled off me, but i just used to give him a quick kiss and go.
I would ring 15 mins later and he would be settled and playing.

My very articulate cousin declared at the age of 3 after one day of nursery that he wouldn't be doing that again. His parents said 'OK', and didn't send him back.
It's easier if they can be so articulate but I guess that's what she's telling you.
Having said that, my DS screamed hysterically every time I dropped him at private nursery for 1 year (age 18 months til now). After 2 minutes I would see him through the window, jump up and run off to play. He loved the staff and had fun all day but it was so distressing. I didn't have a choice as I work and have no family support in the area. After 8 months we went away for 2 months and I really slowly re-introduced him. I talked about it for weeks, we dropped in for a few minutes at a time, I asked him what we could do to make it easier. All that effort and he cried like a banshee the first 2 weeks. Every morning we talked about how nice it would be for him if he could just wave and say 'bye Mum!' Then suddenly, one day I took him in and he turned waved, giggled and said 'bye mummy' in a really cheeky way. And it's been 1 month. Thank goodness!
I hope you sort something out as it's so awful for both of you.
Good luck.