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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is timeout inappropriate for a 1 year old?

17 replies

Roscat · 23/04/2009 20:49

My ds (14mths) is a lovely little boy but we have a problem with him biting, and more recently grabbing peoples faces. He is not doing this aggressively, I think it's his idea of trying to play, but it's becoming a real problem in playgroups. Today he grabbed at 5 other children (and made them cry) and I felt v upset and mortified. My efforts to get him to stop seemed to goad him on to more bad behaviour.
When he does it to me, I have been saying a firm 'no biting' and then walking away from him for about 30 secs. This worked well initially, and he definitely bites a lot less now, but then he took up grabbing. He seems to be getting less upset by me walking out and almost treats it like a game. I'm wondering if he's just too young for it. He's a very confident character, and is completely unfazed by a stern voice.

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Meglet · 23/04/2009 21:00

I think he's too young, he probably does think its a game.

I think I started doing time out when my ds was nearer 2. And even then it was partly for my benefit, so I could get into practice for when I really needed it. He's nearly 2.6 now and I think its starting to work.

Original poster

Roscat · 23/04/2009 21:01

I've had various suggestions such as biting back or nipping the back of his hand but I don't really want to go down that route as it's just the kind of behaviour I'm trying to discourage.
Does anyone have any suggestions?

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ja9 · 23/04/2009 21:02

i think he's too young. started to be effective for my dd at around 2yo. think we put her on it a bit before she was 2 but that was for the benefit of her older brother - so he could see her being punished.

janeite · 23/04/2009 21:04

Biting back or nipping both ridiculous and horrible suggestions imho.

Time out - yes, I think he's too young.

The only other thing I can take of is taking him away from the other children for a few mnutes and sitting quietly somewhere. When he does it to you, what you are doing already seems a v sensible approach to me.

janeite · 23/04/2009 21:04

Think of - not take of

Original poster

Roscat · 23/04/2009 21:04

Thanks, Meglet, think our posts crossed The trouble is, I feel I should do something as he's really hurting other children. It bothers me because I don't see other people's children behaving like that.

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RhinestoneCowgirl · 23/04/2009 21:04

At that age I would just say firm 'no biting', remove from situation and distract with something else - 14 months is such a baby still.

I v rarely use any kind of timeout with DS (3 in the summer) but save it up for when someone is in danger of getting hurt, usually his baby sister. It also helps me to keep calm.

gagarin · 23/04/2009 21:08

def no naughty step but what you're doing sounds fine - just a bit gentle!

I don't mean shout but I mean put your hand gently on his shoulder, squat down so you're nose to nose, put on the "cross mummy" face and wag the cross mummy finger (if that's your style!) and say "no biting/hitting/grabbing" in a loud-ish firm voice. Stand up and walk away.

Which is only a bit firmer than what you are doing - it might work?

whomovedmychocolate · 23/04/2009 21:08

Please don't do it back. That just teaches him that mummy is a bully and that it's okay to hurt others and I'm sure that's not the lesson you intend him to learn!

Remove him immediately when he does it, say 'no' firmly but calmly and pay absolutely no attention to any behaviour you don't want to see repeated, but which doesn't hurt anyone else. If he hits, leave the playground immediately without anymore comment than 'we don't hit'.

Don't discuss it, bargain, retaliate. Apologise to the hurt kid, and leave. He will learn hitting stops the fun immediately and hopefully quit doing it.

It is hard and it is mortifying though - sympathies. Most of us have been through it!

Original poster

Roscat · 23/04/2009 21:10

Janeite - I agree with you, I think taking him away from the other children is necessary. I didn't want to walk away from him in that environment so today I tried holding him still in a boring place for about 30secs instead. But as soon as I let him go he went straight for another child. As one of the other mum's said, I was still giving him quite a lot of attention

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Noonki · 23/04/2009 21:12

by ds1 was one of these and the only way eventually that worked was giving attention to the bitee and saying 'no' then ignoring him totallly for 1 minute.

They are too young to understand a cross voice. I think they are more intrequed by them than anything.

Ignore the bad. Praise the good. (and repeat ad finim..it's works well on all 3 of ours)

Meglet · 23/04/2009 21:16

My ds is older but when he does something naughty (throwing across the room, kicking something etc) I always say "we don't do that because it might hurt someone and make them cry / might break something " etc....

Original poster

Roscat · 23/04/2009 21:24

Noonki - how long did it take your ds to get the message? (Would quite like not to go grey over this!)
I think I'm amazed that ds is not upset by my cross mummy voice. Today I shouted at him in panic because he was about to put his hand on the open oven door - fortunately it stopped him in his tracks but he wasn't in the least bit upset - and I rarely shout. I was so different as a child and would have cried.
Ignoring is def the way to go, but I'm scared at playgroup that if I ignore, he'll be off attacking someone else before I get back to him.

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Noonki · 23/04/2009 22:17

It took about five days, but tbh, if you lose it once...make a big kerfuffle...you end up back at square one!

I do also do the getting down to their level. wait for them to look at you. Then sternly but calmly say 'No. Hot/don't hit etc

As they obviusly have to know what is right and wrong.

Good luck it is horrible (when DS was really bad I remmebre beign a bit pleased when he got hit back )

tryingtobemarypoppins · 23/04/2009 22:24

My DS is 16 months and time out really works! He stay's there too! I though and was told he was too young, but it does work for him and he does stop doing whatever the deed is. As soon as he throws a brick into the fire place after being told twice and having the brick removed once I pick him up, put him in the corner and say "Mummy is putting you here because we don't throw bricks into the fire"......he cries for 30secs, I go and get him, give him a cuddle, I get a massive one back (bonus!!) then its over. Feel crap about it but it does work.

FeelingLucky · 23/04/2009 22:27

DD went through a hitting phase at around this age.
We developed the following approach: say NO in a stern way, and then offer an alternative to the behaviour - in our case, it was telling DD to stroke gently instead.

The idea being, they're just trying to communicate.

Maybe after you say NO to the biting, and tell him to kiss instead?? Personally, I wouldn't do the ignoring thing, and I'd definitely not do the biting back thing either.

bananabrain · 23/04/2009 22:56

I agree with the 'offering an alternative' suggestion. I'd say something like 'No, don't grab/bite people. Say hello / touch gently (or whatever)' Then praise them when they do! I wouldn't even get 'cross', I'd just say it calmly. If they carry on - then take them away and explain why (because they're hurting whoever).
They're only just starting to learn how to interact with others and don't understand the implications of what they're doing - that it hurts etc. I don't believe a 14 month old is being deliberately 'naughty' but if they get a lot of attention for something, even negative attention, then they're more likely to do it again.

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