Tell me why I should not use Time Out please

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DS's behaviour is just appalling at the moment. He is 3 in August. While I love him dearly and he is often very sweet he is becoming intolerable and it is getting to the point where I am almost unable to enjoy my time with him 80% of the time. He is being investigated for SN.

I just dont want to say too much right now because I am so stressed out and upset and I dont want to say anything I will regret. Suffice it to say I am getting kicked, hit, screamed at, whined at, thrown at etc much of the day. Add to this the normal annoying but unintentionally so toddler things such as never ever ever ever stopping talking, repeating everything a million times etc. and I am a nervous wreck with no semblance of normal life. He will never be in a room on his own, if I go to the loo or the kitchen or check the post he is right behind me literally up against my bottom so I have had to learn to walk very carefully to not constantly trip over him and never stop suddenly.

I do distractions I am cheerful I do praise I do rewards I do every single thing you can probably think of within the normal remit of positive parenting. And while as I said he is a lovely child and inside is very kind his behaviour is atrocious much too much of the time and all of the above is getting us nowhere.

I'm sorry this has been going on for months and many of you have seen my posts on SN and I hope it is bloody obvious that I love him more than anything but I have got to get his behaviour under some sort of control or he will be ruined himself and I will go mad. This is largely not my fault as the doctors fucked us around for the better part of 9 months continually losing our referral to the paediatrician so we should have been seen in October 08. I know he is a good boy and struggles a lot with anxiety and things so I try to be compassionate above all else but I cant stand this constant screaming, kicking etc. Please help.

I am thinking of doing TO but for 1 minute instead of the 2 it should be for a 2 year old, just because he is so sensitive that I think a lighter approach would still have an effect on him. What do you think. Should I do it? The paediatrician we finally saw a couple of weeks ago said no but she hasnt got to live like this every day.

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For a 3 year old without SN, timeout, when used sensibly can be very helpful, so the question I have is, did the pead say no because of his unique issues, or is she against per se? Can you ask her to suggest other boundary enforcing methods?
Sorry not much help, just wanted you to know someone was out there trying to think with you on this

thank you so much, I really appreciate you thinking with me!

The pead did not say. She said "for him it would not work" - I have an appointment with CAMHS for him but not til 10 June so that is the next touching base with a professional about his potential SN.

The pead was continually saying how bright he is and that his language is very advanced (though he has some sort of speech impairment we are hoping he will grow out of otherwise he will get help for that too) so I dont know... I am just telling you that to try to give you an idea of what she was on about. Though he has got a lot of sensory issues.

Hi, I've seen a few of your other posts, and I do sympathise with you. My DS2 is being assessed for Aspergers at the moment (he's 5) and TBH, Time Out has never worked for him either. He simply refuses to stay in the room I put him in, and gets completely enraged. DS1 on the other hand, got the point of it straight away, and by about 5 I didn't even have to do "formal" time-out, I would just tell him to go to his room till he calmed down. It happens extremely rarely now because he just understands the punishment and doesn't want it.

With DS2, I too have tried everything. He hates star charts, positive praise etc. The only thing that works for him is three warnings then taking away his current favourite thing for the rest of the day/afternoon etc. It is extremely frustrating, I know.

The only other thing I can suggest is the ignoring method - I wouldn't ignore anything physical like hitting or throwing things at you, but whining etc can be ignored if you can bare it! I usually just tell DS "I'm not talking to you until you stop doing that/are calm/whatever" and then just basically don't give him any attention. I did a parenting course based on The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton and there was quite a lot on ignoring. Sorry, don't know how to do links but there is a website, incredibleyears.com

"never ever ever ever stopping talking, repeating everything a million times "
"he is right behind me literally up against my bottom "
Not all 3yo are like this but a lot are. Some of mine have been so the above sounds normal to me. Most of it passes as they get older.

"Suffice it to say I am getting kicked, hit, screamed at, whined at, thrown at etc much of the day"

In situations where a child is kicking, hitting or throwing like this and is out of control(not able to listen to reason), I have put them the other side of a door (them out of the room or me out of the room depending on which was safer for them)and when I've heard a lull in the tantrum I've asked are they calmed down so they can come for a cuddle. If there isn't a lull, I'll talk to them through the door or open it slightly to speak to them to let them know I'm there and they are not on their own and that it's in their power to stay where they are or come to me. Sometimes they start again and sometimes they are calmer. Any indication that they are getting some control again then I give them the opportunity to come to me. I then let them calm down completely sat on my knee having a cuddle, then I ask what the problem was, explain how it's not nice for everybody and that people can't act like that and it gets them nowhere. Eventually they get the message.
You can't allow him to kick, hit or throw things at you.
Whining....just one of those things. Usually meant one of mine was tired or needed more attention so we'd sit down, watch a film, read a book or if not possible I'd promise I would as soon as I could.
Screaming. Again could be tiredness so I'd try that first. If not and it was a tantrum then I'd ask what the problem was and what could be do to fix it.

That was a bit long, sorry.

Thanks,

juuule he isnt tired though. These things happen from the minute he gets up in the morning til bedtime, and he still has at least a 2 hour nap every day at 12. So he is getting all the possible sleep he could do. We do a variety of activities, out in garden, out in town, at park, pre-school, puzzles, games, chase, t.v. shows etc and I always try to pace it to his energy level (and mine!)

He just whines and whines. He doesnt say things in a normal voice. If he wants a drink he will whine it shrilly and in angst and tears - the very first time. He doesnt give you a chance to get it right or wrong. It is his default setting.

We say to him each and every time "I will not listen while you are whining, please say it in your normal voice" and usually he will. But 2 minutes later for a new request it still starts as a shrill whine.

He is also very very loud. The volume he speaks at is just off the charts, it is like living with a pneumatic drill. Again, we say to use a smaller voice etc and sometimes it will work but only for about 30 secs then he is right back to the full volume. We have had his ears checked earlier in the week and they are fine.

I was going to say though we just ate dinner a while ago right after my OP and he was so lovely. He kept pulling me to his face and kissing me and hugging me tight with both arms and said he loved me - for like 5 minutes!!! It was very sweet.

I think you might as well try it, given that you seemed to have tried the postive parenting and its not worked. What have you got to lose? Anyhting is worth a try right? I would say though that I wouldnt suggest you use it with him going to a rooma nd shutting the door, it can be very misunderstood for a child with SN, but maybe a chair or a step, in the hallway. DD1 is being assessed for AS (she is 6) but the time out step worked well for us, but she is a real stickler for rules now

Yes if I did TO I would do it in the hallway, we live in a bungalow so havent got stairs and none of the rooms are quite right for it I think.

Just realised that he is still only 2.
To varying degrees most of our children have behaved much the same as you describe. Most have had to be held at arms length to stop kicking or hitting.
However, one in particular sounds very much like your ds.
Default setting of whining until told to ask nicely. Becoming irrationally hysterical over the smallest thing. This "struggles a lot with anxiety " that you said definitely applied to our dd.
I can only say what we have done. It might or might not be appropriate for your ds. We assumed that that it was her needing more attention? reassurance? and that she found things more stressful than we would consider normal. With this in mind we tried to not get as frustrated with her as we would normally with the same behaviour off our other children. It has worked to an extent. She can still get over-anxious, over-excited but has learned to recognise it herself and so has gained much more self-control. She is 9y now though, so it's not a quick fix and can try the patience of a saint at times.
We have found that what works best with her is lots of patience, keeping calm when she can't, and soothing her when she loses it.

Whether something like this applies to your ds, I've no idea. He is only 2 and it can be a very demanding age with some children. Hopefully, he'll mature a bit more and this might settle.