Help! my 18 year old daughter is so naughty!

[me222]

I love my daughter to bits, she's 18 months old but she's so violent - mainly to me. i am 20 year old mum and expecting my 2nd (and last) child in june but DD just throws tantrums for almost no reason constantly. saying no, shouting and even lightly tapping her hand whilst saying no doesnt work, she laughs and hits me again. in past 3 days i have a broken front tooth, black eye, split lip and bruised cheek all seperate incidents. she has also since yesterday taken to getting pens and toys and anything sharp and stabbing me with them so i have cuts all over my arms and legs. i really cant cope i dont know what to do anymore. Please help!!

pmsal at your thread title typo!

lol, thats cos i had to re-write it lol!
she is 18 months promise!

I have jsut read your post! You poor thing! I have no idea how to deal with this - my dd is only 2mo behind yours so perhaps I have all this to come!

Have you tried giving her quiet time or anything like that? Naughty spot? Is she too young for all that?

she doesn't do naughty step and putting her to bed is the closest thing really as she is in a big girls bed lol but we have a stair gate. im unsure wether she was always this bad and im just more hormonal now or if she is actually being naughty!! i really need a break as i feel like just running away if im not at work im with her 24/7 lol. im worried about the unborn baby too because in all these tantrums i must get kicked in the stomache several times a day earlier she wanted to jump on my stomache and head so i pulled her off me and said no and tried feeding her dinner so because she wanted to climb on me she snatched the bowl out my hand and threw it at me. spaghetti shapes everywhere and it really hurt!

First - put anything like pens or sharp objects way out of her reach.

Shouting and lightly tapping her hand are not a good idea - she is too young to understand the difference between a light tap and hitting.

Eighteen months is probably too young for much in the way of discipline TBH. Distraction works much better.

Is she tired? Bored?

It is VERY hard looking after a toddler when you are pregnant. They demand all of your attention all of the time, and if you are not feeling 100% they play up.

I found that mine had to be outside, walking, playing, letting off steam, as much as possible. Do you have any help?

Plenty of exercise, lots of fresh air and sleep, and routine are the only things that help. That and complete consistancy in your responses to behaviour, and in the responses of your partner.

I am staggered that she has managed to give you a black eye, a broken tooth and a split lip.

Oh you poor thing, you sound like you've been in the wars a bit lately!!!

All I can say about your dd is that it's a phase. A bloody horrible one but a phase that most toddlers go through to get a reaction! The bast thing you can do in my opinion is take a deep breath, remember that she's only 18 months old. She isn't deliberately being naughty. She has no concept of what right and wrong is so it's up to adults (you!) to teach her. I would just just try saying 'now, we don't hit/ stab etc' and praise her the second she is behaving well. If she continues to hit and stap/ kick or whatever I would repeat no and then remove her to somewhere safe where she is away from you but can't hurt herself. Just put her in the hall way for a minute while you calm down. If she's anything like my ds she'll scream and cry with fury at being shut away from you but then after a minute you can go and get her, tell her why she was removed and ask her for a cuddle and she should calm down. Then carry on as normal. I really wouldn't shout at her as at this age it seems like a game to them to get the biggest possible reaction from you. stay as calm as possible (I know, it's hard!!!). I really wouldn't tap her however gently as it only enforces th idea that it's OK to hit someone or something when you are angry or frustrated which is obviously not the message you want her to get.

My ds throws tantrums all the time, he's 20 months and somedays it seems never ending crying. It's hard work but I'm sure you'll be fine. Do you have any help from anyone? Sometimes it can be very intense with a toddler around you all day and can feel like they are just solely being horrible to you. I feel exhausted from my ds and I'm not pregnant so any friends/ family that could help?

i think it feels worse because i have a VERY critical family (my side of the family) like my nan yesterday phoned me up solely to tell me she doesnt think i will cope with a newborn and my daughter! she's even previously told me im not a good mum and said social services would take the children from me. but no-one else has ever said it and my daughter is well looked after. he daddy and me are still together but she gives him all the hugs and kisses!! faouritism because he's at work all the time so he doesn't do as much of the horrible stuff like bed times and bath time lol. i get black eyes from where she picks up her toys in a happy mood, walks over and hits me with them full force then throws the tantrum when i stop her hitting me! i try to make the most of her 'happy moments' as much as possible so when she's happy we have cuddles, play in the park, doing drawing and reading books etc. but when she's having a tantrum thats it for hours she just calms down then starts again! its very tiring as im too big to pick her when she's kicking and screaming. I have slowly learnt not to tap cos i realised pretty quickly it really just made her think it was ok to do it back (but harder!) hardest thing is i love her to bits and i hate being angry with her because she's so clever and can be so well behaved !!

just to add a bit about my nan she's never seen DD throw a tantrum and she doesn't even know she throws them yet! i only ever talk good about DD to everyone! she's just a negative person!

Is she getting enough sleep? 12 - 14 hours in 24?

Tiredness is a huge trigger for tantrums IME.

You need somewhere safe to put her as soon as the tantrum starts, where you can leave her and ignore till it stops. If you give any attention during the tantrum, that is an incentive to carry on. Can you think of a safe place that doesn't involve lifting?

It is worth getting this in place now, because it will be even more important when you have a newborn.

Also - your partner needs to do as much of the non-fun stuff as possible - this will make life post new baby much easier.

Ignore your nan. She is not being helpful or constructive.

All toddlers have tantrums - it is a normal phase, and it does pass.

IME bed and bath time are usually fun times, UNLESS the child is overtired. If you start early enough, it can be fun.

hmmmm tiredness could be it... she is in bed between 6 and 7 on average but like last night she just wouldn't sleep i left her in her room (no toys to distract) just favourite teddy bear and pillow on her bed but she never actually finally settled till 11.30 last night and still managed to wake up at 7.30 thismorning! having said that she's been in bed asleep for an hour so far tonight so tiredness could be an issure.
she likes bath time but hates the hair wash part which i always do first so she knows she can play for a while after the 'nasty' bits are done. putting a nappy on her and drying/clothing her after a bath is like i'm trying to poison her or something. i swear my neighbours must think im drowning her or something!! Bed time is fun as we sleep in a 'big girls bed' now with princesses on the headboard!
in a nice way my partner has never really done the bad stuff. like never bathed her by himself and when we do it together i wash her and he sits and talks to her! i got up all through the night when she was newborn as she had an odd sleeping pattern where she would just be awake crying from 11 at night till 4 in the mornin then awake at 6 am and have constant small naps all through the day!!

That is the other thing about toddlers. They NEVER sleep in - it doesn't matter how late they settle. So they can get very overtired.

Do you need to wash her hair every night?

I wouldn't if you can avoid it

Must go now - have to cook dinner.

Hope things improve.

At this age it can help a lot to give lots of warning of what you're going to do, and do it until you drive yourself demented. If she goes to hit, maybe try taking her hand and say "Look, gently, gently" stroking your face with her hand, smiling and laughing and giving lots of attention.

That way she gets to see what physical contact is ok, and the kind of reaction it gets. Hard as it is, I'd be inclined to try to ignore as much of the difficult behaviour as possible - a calm "no, we do not hit" in a low voice, and then walk away calmly. It's dull, it doesn't give her an interesting response, etc. And go over the top where she does cuddle/stroke.

Try also demonstrating on her dolls/teddies, cuddling and talking about when she was a baby, and stroking and cuddling the dolls.

She does sound tired - as do you! Would she sleep in a buggy if you went out for a walk? If she gets a bit more daytime sleep, she may be less wired at bedtime, and you could start to create a virtuous circle.

Good luck!

Thank you for all the comments, i think i also put some of it down to she is v. clever like crawlin at 4 months, walking at 9 months, weaned by a year cos milk wasnt working! she says full sentences now! i think she gets frustrated when she wants to do things that her body physically cant do yet like read books properley she just goes mad and throws them if she cant do it. my neice is 4 months younger than her (we refer to her as the baby) as she's smaller and she has never once hit her little cousin always walks over cuddles her and kisses her, feeds her, gives her toys and shares her own and in the park she protects her and wont let other children hurt her. she's given cuddles and stroked people for months now and ironically she always does this after the bite/hit/kick etc she will stroke the place she hurt say 'ahhhh' and kiss it better almost as if she feels that to get a cuddle off me she has to hurt me first!! i know she will get better and we will come through the other side smiling! its just coping while im waiting!

habbibu has a good point about the 'gentle' thing. my DS who is going to be 2yo fairly soon also done the hitting thing with me and I was asking for advice (when it was bad around 18 mo too) on here, and someone suggested letting them stroke your face and say 'that's it, nice and gentle', so that they learn to be kind to you. you can also do the same to your DDs face.

as someone else has said, this really is a phase (not easy I know, when you have other factors just now like your pregnancy!) but it will pass.

My older one had an awful phase of throwing hard toys straight at my face. I had to take all hard items out of his bedroom and ensure there were a fair number of soft toys around for him. I was pregnant with no 2 as well.

He is 13 now and lovely!!

I wonder if she is reacting about the changes in your body and the arrival of the new baby? I am due in 2 weeks and we went through a terrible time with DS, who was just over 2 at the time. He seems to have come round now, but I do find I am less able to cope with his tantrums because I am physically and mentally exhausted from the pregnancy.

I agree distraction works best!

i think its all a matter of persevere using the same technique constantly because she is too young to understand sticker charts and naughty steps i mean she is clever for her age compared to her friends but if i put her on a step she would end up climbing on them and if i gave her a sticker she would eat it lol or rip the chart! i have absolutley no doubt tho that she wouldn't hurt her baby brother when he's born because she's so gentle with cousins and friends her age and smaller etc its reaqlly only me she does it to!! but then i spend more time with her.

hi, my daughter is 14 months and always hits and throws tantrums

What has worked to my surprise is holding her hands and saying calmly "dont hit, its not nice to hit" and she is starting to get it. just perservere.

do you go to toddler groups as this could help her burn off some steam?