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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 Year Old Behaviour - Tips for dealing with it please

27 replies

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 10:32

DS is 3.1 and sailed through the 'terrible' twos with no real issues. Since he turned three it's been another matter entirely.

It seems he's normally pretty well behaved at nursery, but nothing DP or I do is right. He's constantly going into a huge meltdown about anything or nothing - this morning it was about putting his shoes on.

He says 'no' to everything, screams and shouts whenever we try to get him to do anything, and is generally not nice to be around. It's getting both of us down.

Does anyone have any suggestions to deal with it? It seems neither getting angry back, nor remaining calm, nor trying to distract have any effect.

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ruddynorah · 17/04/2009 10:38

you need to pick your battles to start with. if it's draining you it sure will be draining him.

does it matter a lot if he doesn't put his shoes on? what's the worst that will happen if he doesn't?

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 11:00

Hi - thanks for replying.

The reason he had to put his shoes on was we were leaving for nursery. But what seems to be happening is that he's going into meltdown even if we're asking him to do something he likes - like choose a story to read at bedtime. And once he starts there seems to be no bringing him back from it until he's gone mad for 15-30 mins and he's calmed down because he's tired.

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Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 12:00

Bump

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mankymummy · 17/04/2009 12:10

tell him what you want him to do. if he refuses, walk away until he's calmed down.

or... you can say im counting to 5, then calmly count to five and have a consequence ready if he still wont do it. like no park if you dont put your shoes on.

or... try offering a choice (i know i'll get flamed for this but it works with my DS). e.g. So do you want to put your shoes on first or have a wee first?

or... reverse psychology. say to yourself in DCs earshot... "well... i've got my shoes on but i bet DC can't help me to put his shoes on"

or... make teddy (or other toy) your "clever child"... "ooh look, teddys putting his toys on nicely, what a good teddy he is, im soooo proud of teddy".

when DS was at this stage i used any one of the above (or a combination). felt a bit of a dick, especially in public but it worked.

good luck.

ruddynorah · 17/04/2009 13:50

tbh i'd have just said ok no shoes then i'll put them in your nursery bag. off we go. why doesn't he want them on? are they not comfy? is he wanting to delay going to nursery? can he put them on himself? would he do better with new shoes he can manage himself?

with the stories is it because he is delaying bedtime? could you choose the stories earlier in the evening?

SeverusIsMySlave · 17/04/2009 14:17

i think he's testing boundaries, finding out how rigid the rules are and how consistent you are with implementing them. if you sometimes argue/struggle with him, sometimes give in, sometimes ignore him, it's worth the effort of being contrary to gain your attention/avoid situations/delay situations. with my DC i learnt that consistency was the key, ignore the inappropriate behavior (stick the shoes in a bag, straight to bed with no bedtime story if you don't choose one etc) and really give big over-the-top praise whenever he co-operates nicely. it worked for me

mistlethrush · 17/04/2009 14:17

Limit choices - do you want this one or this one. Which two of these three?

'We need to put our shoes on now to go out - do you want to put yours on or do you want me to do it for you? ('ds put shoes on or mummy?')

Then get to the consequences - ds could cope with easy consequences at about 2.5 - if you don't put your shoes on we'll have to go out without them on... You need to be prepared to follow through with the consequences - so, for instance, ds, aged 2.5 was asked not to take his shoes off after leaving nursery as we'd be home in 5 mins and he needed to walk into the house - ds took his shoes off, so we calmly removed his socks ('so they didn't get wet') and ds had to walk in over the drive (tarmac, not gravel!) into the house - he was distraught, although he quite often walks over it barefoot - but he never took his shoes off when we'd asked him not to again. Ds is now 4. One of these days he will be going into nursery in the morning in his pjs (with clothes in a bag) as he hasn't helped to get dressed - again, this is a consequence, so far he has just about avoided it!)

Tantrum - put somewhere safe and ignore - ideally leave the room. Its amazing how quickly they stop when there is no audience.

SeverusIsMySlave · 17/04/2009 14:21

oh, also love manky's suggestions, have done all this as well

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 14:28

Thanks for that. We've tried quite a few of them to be honest. How old was your DS when he went through this? And how long did it last?

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Iklboo · 17/04/2009 14:34

Yes, we've now got a stroppy 'three-nager'.
We do similar stuff to manky - as well as things like looking at the alarm sensor (it flashes red if anyone walks past) and say 'I know, Father Christmas, DS IS being naughty isn't he? What? No presents this year?'

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 14:37

The trouble is flashpoint, however small, seems to lead straight to tantrum. Then thee's no reasoning.

This morning DP told him if he wouldn't put his shoes on (and he can do it himself) he could go to the car in his socks. So then he starts screaming that he wants to put them on, so we say 'ok then put them on', he says no ad nauseum.

We can be having a really nice time doing something and he'll suddenly turn into this screaming raving toddler.

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Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 14:38

Iklboo I love that - threenager!

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mistlethrush · 17/04/2009 14:51

I think we're mostly out of it (4). Scream - walk away and ignore!!! Saves your own sanity at least

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 14:59

He made me cry yesterday as he wouldn't give me a kiss goodnight and he said 'not you' when I went in to take him his water.

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TheShipsCat · 17/04/2009 15:08

I do sympathise, sm. We're having the same thing. No tips really, I'm afraid. But I have noticed that when I'm cool, calm and collected it's much easier to deal with and fades out faster. dd1 refused to walk from the car to home last week, she wanted to be carried. But I was carrying dd2 and have a bad back, so I couldn't do it. So we sat on the pavement for an hour while she calmed down. Eventually, I realised we had to find some sort of compromise so she could 'save face'. So I carried her about two feet, then she walked.

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 15:37

Thanks for sympathy. It does help to know it's not just my DS so I have broken him!

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Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 15:38

That should be 'haven't broken him'.

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ruddynorah · 17/04/2009 15:44

you haven't broken him. he's his own person. he's just asserting himself and finding out he can voice an opinion about stuff. your job, imvvho, isn't to control him but to guide him.

you may well be upset he didn't want to kiss you, but well he doesn't have to does he? dd quite often says she's 'run out of kisses' when asked for one. don't take it personally, she just isn't in the mood for a kiss.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/04/2009 15:46

How To Con Your Kid is a useful book for this age.
My dd is 3.10 and she's a bit of a threenager - fine most of the time but goes through phases of being like this.
My advice when there's really no way of getting through to him, is to stay as uninvolved as possible yourself. Just think 'tra la la, ds is being silly again' and leave him to it.

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 16:23

I know he doesn't have to kiss me but he's always been such an affectionate little boy so it was a bit of a shock.

You're right Kathy staying uninvolved is probably the best thing but it's so hard sometimes.

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missmapp · 17/04/2009 16:26

If your ds is generally good at nursery and is having strops getting ready for nursery, then just say

either put your shoes on, or go in without..

dds1 hates the idea of teachers at nursery knowing hes been naughty so this always works. He once had no shoes in car all the way to nursety, but put the on happily as soon as we arrived

mistlethrush · 17/04/2009 16:26

I find in this sort of situation you have two choices: 1) say 'I'm not going to kiss you then', twirl round very dramatically and start to leave - often works with ds - or 2)burst, very noisily, into theatrical crying... also works quite well on my boundary pusher

Kathyis6incheshigh · 17/04/2009 16:46

We used to have crazy rows with dd about her not wanting to wear a coat to go outside. After a while I just realised that the best thing was to let her go out without and get a bit cold, then if you say to her after 5 mins 'Do you want your coat on dd?' as if nothing has happened, she'll put it on without a murmur

LOL Mistlethrush re kissing. My favourite response to that one is 'No? Oh well, I'll kiss the light switch instead [or similar incongruous item]. Night night, light switch.'

Original poster

Sunshinemummy · 17/04/2009 17:00

Kathy and mistle I like those ideas.

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messymissy · 17/04/2009 17:12

Manky mummy - good suggestions

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