help - I'm really struggling with my 2yo

[moowife]

I have just eaten a 'supper' of sausages and peas out of a child's bowl - it is DD1's leftover dinner. She insisted on sausages and peas because that's what Charlie and Lola ate tonight on CBBC. I made it, despite the fact she had a perfectly good plate of gnocchi that was meant to be her supper. This is after she insisted on trying to poo in her playhouse, while I was trying to feed DD2 (who's 12mo and has had an average temperature of 103 for the past 2 days).

I'm absolutely wiped.

DD1 is in the midst of some really terrible twos (she's 2.3) and just seems very unhappy most of the time. She's started getting really jealous of DD1 - who wants to be in all her stuff all the time. So whenever she comes near, DD1 pushes her away or smacks her, and then immediately afterwards often hugs her tightly or drags her back towards her by her leg. I don't know what to do about it.

At nursery they say they've noticed that she seems to be going through some sort of transition too. She gets very upset for no clear reason, tells her carer to leave her alone, won't have a cuddle but says she's not happy, she wants to go home, and she's not well.

Tonight after DH went to running club, calling a general goodbye as he left, she went quiet and then said "Daddy didn't kiss me". She was upset. It's like she's on super-sensitive mode and doesn't know where to put herself or how to act. We're always telling her we love her and we do have fun playtimes but we are finding it challenging to deal with her behaviour which consists mainly of her saying no or just ignoring requests.

Has anyone experienced any of this? What did you do? Anyone got any advice at all? I'm really struggling.

I don't have two dcs but have you tried spending some time totally dedicated to her - maybe when your dd2 is asleep? If she gets a couple of sessions of uninterrupted attention perhaps she will be more willing to co-operate?

Poor little love, and poor you. Have you tried teaching her how to play with DD2? You kind of need to be right in there spotting exactly what's happening and pre-empting any pushing or smacking. E.g. DD1 is playing with a doll and DD2 comes over probably wanting to play with same doll, can you quickly ask DD1 to find a different doll for DD2? Tell DD1 what's happening e.g. "your sister wants your doll, but you're playing with it aren't you? What can she have instead?" This way you reinforce to DD1 that her needs are important, but she learns what to do to stop DD2 taking the doll. If you know what DD2 wants that will upset DD1 you can teach DD1 to recognise the signs and teach her what to do. My DS now knows that when someone tries to take his toy he offers them something else (if they're determined I step in to suggest that the other child/my ds (if reverse happens) has to wait their turn and distract)
Give her lots of love and cuddles and remind dh he needs to kiss her goodbye or she'll be upset. Meet reasonable requests as much as you can, but try not to give into her every whim as children then feel they are the ones in charge which can be unsettling when they know that the adult should be the one in charge. If you aren't going to meet her request give her a clear reason. e.g. I'd love to make you sausages and peas, but the last time I did you didn't eat them, how about we eat the gnochi tonight and if you still want sausages and peas tomorrow you can help me shop for them?
I employ a new thing with my ds now that you could try for saying No. e.g. I want him to come and get his nappy changed - NO! I say "I'm going to count to 3 and I'd like you to come to me, if you don't I'll have to get you and that will make me cross, 1,2,3" He either comes or runs off looking cheeky, I have to contain my smile and furrow my brow, pick him up and do his nappy with minimal fuss. Only just started this, but it works well and is seen as a bit of a game with clear rules that are either followed or there is a consequence.
Good luck!!

Wow these are both excellent suggestions- thanks ourlot and bodiddly. I'll try both.