3.5 yo DS driving me bananas - won't play!

[misspollysdolly]

DS is fab and I love him, but he is driving me to distraction with his whinging, whining and controlling behaviour. He is 'delightful' at playgroup, which is great but can at times be an utter bugger for me at home. He is in my face the whole time, pulling on me (and DH to a lesser extent), demanding things from me and generally being rude or unreasonable. He won't play (acts as though I've served him a life sentence if I suggest it!) or rather will only play at my feet and when we are at home just wants to watch TV and is demanding/controlling over what he watches (i.e no-one else gets a look in) - I curse the day DH showed him that BBC iplayer existed! If we have friends (adults or children) over, he goes into another room and won't join in - usually demanding to watch something on the PC, almost like he has to tune out somehow. This is marginally better when we go to play at other people's houses, but still he can be difficult then.

Does this sound like your pre school DSs? I don't particualrly think he has a problem, I just don't know how to handle his irritating behaviour.

Any strategies? He's driving me to distraction and somedays (today and yesterday in particular) I have felt a bit despairing and a bit sad.

i think maybe lesson your expectations of him my ds doesnt always want to join in i dont always want to join in with others as long as his happy then leave him

i dont think rude or unreasonable is there main aim but he just wants to play with you find things you can do together and then wander off once his happily playing

try to enjoy your time with him instead of finding it annoying they do test your patience but i find distraction works great get a game going then move away

they dont always know how to play by themselves and need to be shown what does he demand from you? how is he rude and unreasonable?

what activities do you set for him through out the day when at home?

Try a "play and leave" strategy. Sit down and set up a game with him; train track, zoo or whatever. Start an imaginary game with what you've set up (try to prompt his imagination rather than him relying on yours). Once he's into it, leave the room. Pop back in every now and then. If you sit down and play a game like that every day, over the course of a few weeks the time you need to be involved in it will lessen.

When he's tugging at you wanting your attention, what do you do? If you are doing something essential then you need to give him a time when you can play with him ("I'm doing some housework, I'll be finished in ten minutes, if you can be quiet until then we'll have a lovely game.") If you are relaxing, then its best to (before you sit down and put the tv on or pick up a novel), play with him first, but with a "deal" that afterwards he continues the game on his own.

How much screen time is he having? If its a lot, that will affect his attention span, a problem for you at home and for his teachers when he starts school. Try to limit screentime, so he has to choose whether he wants computer or tv, and he helps add up how much he's had each day. My DC age 6, 4 2 are only allowed half an hour in termtime weekdays, 3 hours total over a weekend, and an hour weekdays in school holidays. Some days should be completely screen free. Also, their screentime is a reward - bad behaviour has some knocked off. He will only accept these boundaries if you model the same behaviour. I don't watch any daytime tv, and limit my daytime pc use strictly; there is plenty of time after they're asleep.

So have a plan for most days of the amount of screentime, one or 2 "play and leave" sessions, a storybook time when you read to him and then discuss the books, and get him to join in with age-appropriate jobs you're doing, such as making the lunch, sweeping the floor, etc...

You sound like a very loving mum; we expect all these things to come naturally to us but actually we need a bit of strategy, ime, and its great that you've realized that and have asked for help. It gets much easier when they start school! But having more of a routine and structure for daytime at home will help him with the structure of Reception.

TV and the PC can be quite addictive for some kids (and adults!). I know it will be horrible and cause a lot of protest for a while, but I think you must seriously ration the screen time to get any progress. My dd loves TV but I especially curse the day dh showed her there were free games on the pc. I'm putting my foot down with both of them - because she is really whiny if you try to take her away once she starts dresing princess whatever etc (she's 3.5).

Dd doesn't really play on her own much but it is showing some progress - she's fine if there are other kids to play with though.

Some kids simply don't like toys,he may be one of those. One of my twins has never,ever liked toys. Things improved greatly when I started to try and find out what he does like and to see things from his point of view.

I wouldn't be thrilled now with a room full of toys if left to entertain myself. I would rather read a book or go on the computer. Maybe your son is the same.

Is your son quite bright? Maybe his brain just isn't a play type of brain.

My 5 year old son likes playing with other children(not always convenient if they're busy),crafts and computers. I stopped steering him towards Lego,Playmobil etc got him a box of things to stick,toys like a drawing projector,cd player and started letting him go on the pc more(as advised by his teacher). He's just started reading his Horrid Henry books to himself which helps. Personally I don't think quality screen time is a bad thing if not to excess. If your son's brain is that way inclined and he just isn't into toys you're banging your head against a brick wall trying to make him play.

My son's twin and sister a year younger play for hours on their own so it's easier for me to see he's had masses of play opportunities but just isn't isn't that way inclined. I'm an ex early years teacher so I'm fully aware of the value of play and I'm quite creative in creating play opportunities which have made no impact what so ever on my son. My dad was apparantly the same.

Hope this helps

This is very much like my DS2 - really normal, but quite a shock after DS1, who is freakishly good at entertaining himself!

Really good advice here from everyone.

I would also add that DS2 is better in big groups than 1:1, and seems to have two speeds - fast (running around, playing outside, park, football) and inert (television). Thus, we have to get out and about as much as possible during the holidays.

This has improved as he has got older, but he does still need a little attention to get him going on things.

Wearing as it is now, if your DS is like this, then it bodes well for him when he starts school, because he will enjoy being part of a group, and enjoy running round in the playground, and enjoy taking instructions !

MilaMae. My DS2 also isn't that much into toys, but likes books and word puzzles now

Interesting - dd doesn't play with toys other than to use her soft toys in role-playing games (with me too of course )

Hi there - I am so glad I have just read this as was about to post something.....at my wits end after another trying day. My son, just turned 3 is the same i.e. is not inclined to play with toys...have been pulling my hair out all day. Will not play with anything whether with me, on his own or with his little sister. I ended up ranting at him today which I know is pointless but it just comes out sometimes (feel reallt crap now!). When I do get for e.g. the train set out and play with him, after about 10 mins he says 'put it away now'. Really likes books and going to the playground (when not grumpy but that is another story!) so every day unless raining hard I go to the playrgound. I worry that my little girl will use him as a role model though?

Any ideas on how to expand the book theme would be helpful (we do read a lot of books in the course of the day, go to the library etc.)

I haven't read the whole thread but I think that I would be tempted to go cold turkey on the tv for a week or two and then gradually introduce it for a limited time each day. Perhaps tell a white lie and say that it has broken or that you haven't paid the tv bill etc. Ds went through a phase of kicking off when the tv went off before bath time when he was about the same age - we cut it out altogether so that he now only has it at weekends and it has made a huge difference to his overall behaviour. He is far happier to draw or get out his lego etc. Thats not to say there is no more whinging etc but that just goes with the territory I think! Anyway, good luck!

boythengirl

We have a LeapPad (I am not sure if you can get them new anymore, but check ebay).

If you aren't familiar, this is a book, which fits onto an electronic frame, and the child "reads" the book by pointing to the words with a special pen. It also has games.

There's also something more recent called the Tag system, I think. Google "Learning Resources (it's an American company). I'll try and find a link

LeapFrog Tag Reading System. Amazon do it!

Oooh - for those of you who's DCs like books, DS2 has recently (he's nearly 6) got into audiobooks in a big way

Thanks for all your replies. I feel a bit now as DS has been fab today and played really nicely with his brother and sister. I think though (and knew before posting yesterday!) that the TV is a big factor in the problem. It has hardly been on today and he's been so much better. He's going through a quite controlling phase and I think the telly is one thing he can quite easily control (hence the reference to my frustration over iplayer - he knows he can watch whatever he wants really whenever as it's on the pooter). I don;t mind too much when our days have more routine around a morning at playgroup and then some telly after lunch, but I guess the holiday losing our normal routine has meant us all adjusting to the days (plus DD off school too of course). I am going to limit the TV much more, which will mean having to be stricter with myself too! Appreciate all your thoughts - ta!