help please my 15mth dd prefers daddy - feel really sad, what have I done wrong??

[MayItBe]

I've noticed over the last few months that my dd really prefers daddy to me. I started crying this morning when she clapped her hands and squirmed away from me the moment dh walked into the room.

I don't know why but I feel really sad and hurt about this. I've also started questioning myself wondering whether at some crucial point I've hurt her emotionally without realising.

I feel I'm being really pathetic about this but I just can't help feeling insecure. dh doesn't understand and thinks I'm being silly and that 'of course she loves you, you're her mummy'.

I need to sort out my emotions before it gets me too down. Any advice, insights or even suggestions of book to read on this would be really appreciated. Thank you.

MIB x

they do this all the time - you'll probably find in a few months you are flavour of the week and your Dh is out of favour.

Also if you don't mind my asking - are you the main carer? Children often trust the face they see all day, every day more and are therefore inclined to take the love of their main carer more for granted, iyswim, whereas the parent they see less, they tend to put on more of a show for. Does that make sense?

DS went through a real daddy phase while I was pregnant but when DS2 was born he suddenly swung back (because there was competition I guess!) and now only wants me to put him to bed etc. It's a pain to be honest as I feel really torn two ways.

Sorry, this is a long winded way of saying don't worry - it's normal - it's not a reflection of how much she loves you.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, they do this, we have been through this with DD and no doubt will go through it with DS.

Are you with her most of the time?

I think a lot of children are like that. She certainly doesn't hate you, she is just recognizing her daddy and she's a daddy's girl.

My kids were like this, in fact my dd (5) said the other day that she loved me as much as a house but her daddy as much as the whole world.

I know she doesn't love me any less but it can be hard if they don't settle for you and will only settle for daddy or gran!

I think the fact you are so worried means that you are a fab mum and have done nothing wrong. Hope you feel better soon x

Of course she loves you, probably more than anyone in the entire world as you are her mummy. You are essential to her! But sometimes I think we, as mothers, can be guilty of over-glamourising daddies in the whole 'Daddy's home - yay!' hand clapping and cheering thing. Don't know your childcare situation but IME no one cheers 'Here's mummy.......!' as I enter the room and therefore my DDs take it for granted that I'm just there pretty much most of the time and certainly more than anyone else whereas DH is seen as something exciting and new if he's been out at work all day. In fact I have recently started making DH cheer when I come into the room so that they see me as more interesting !!! Please don't feel sad. The fact that you are so worried about this shows that you clearly love her an enormous amount. I'm sure you haven't hurt her emotionally! She would squirm away from you and clap her hands if there was an interesting new toy too I bet. Just make the most of it - 'Oh look she so wants to make the most of her time with you. Why don't you two play together whilst I go and have a cup of tea/ lie in bed' and PLEASE don't worry!!!

DD1 is like this, she is now 3.2 and will always got to DH over me, if he kisses me she wipes my face as he 'doesn't love you, Dada only loves me and DD2'
If I say 'I love you' She replies 'And I love Dada'

It does upset me on occasion but then the other day she fell down the stairs, and she only wanted me. When she was throwing up she only wanted me, when she had a bad cold she only wanted me, whenever she is playing make-believe she only wants to play with me as DH is 'rubbish' at pretending etc etc.

DH is such a novelty as he is working and I am not, but I know she loves me so I don't mind too much.

I went through this with my ds at a similar age and you are not being pathetic - it truely is heartbreaking. I had all these images about the loving relationship I would have with my child and for a while he only ever wanted his father.

Dh said much the same as your dh and did not seem to see the problem. I had to sit him down and explain exactly what ds did and why it hurt me and how much it hurt me. Once dh understood this, it was a little better.

There is no magic solution (at least not that I found). The things that helped were spending time alone with ds doing something fun that we would not normally do. We used to climb to the top of a tower in a playground and make up stories together.

Never tell your dd how you feel. I did this and as soon as I did, I realised it was a mistake. She is a baby and is not responsible for your happiness.

Whatever she does to you, continue to offer her unconditional love. If she pushes you away, tell her you love her and are there when she needs you.

With ds this phase went on for about a year. He is 5 now and is a truly affectionate and loving boy and does not prefer his father to me. I think they do grow out of it but know how hard it can be in the meantime.

I'm mostly a SATHM but works one day a week where she's in the nursery. I guess you guys could be right, maybe she trusts me more as she sees more of me than daddy. She does spent a fair bit of time with granny and other kids at play groups that I take her to-so not just only me.

I really love being with her and we do have fun together but somehow I can't stop myself from feeling rejected. How silly am I when I'm suppose to be the adult here??

Thank you so much for your replies saying that it's normal as I was getting really anxious about it.

MIB x

You're not silly. The way you feel is perfectly understandable and normal BUT you must not feel guilty and worry that you've hurt her in some way, poor you!!

Thank you gooseyloosey for sharing your experience with ds. I will take your advice and try talking to dh this evening and explain my feelings better without starting to cry before I actually begin!

It is a relief to know that other mothers are going through/have gone through this too and that it's just not me iyswim?

You are right twinmam we do have the 'wow! daddy's home, hand clapping and cheering' going on here. Your idea of cheering for mummy is a fab one. I will mention it to dh as well.

I'm a bit embarressed to admit this but I have been reluctant to leave dd with just dh at the weekends because I worried that she might not want me altogether .

Thank you for all your kind words and replies. I feel loads better now-I should have posted ages ago and not let myself get into a state.

MIB x

I could have written your post. I have a 15 month old DD who not only has always adored daddy but who will go to pretty much anyone except me. She's extremely independent and goes and sits with other women at music group etc without a backward glance. Over Easter we were away with PIL and SIL and I don't think I spent more than 10 minutes with DD through her own choice. She only wants me when she's asleep (she likes to cuddle up) or when I drop her off at nursery, then she clings to me for dear life but any port in a storm...

I work three days so I guess I'm her main carer but not all the time. It's hard to be objective about it but it does hurt :{

Eyeballs - you are her main carer and she sees you as almost a part of herself. Other people are a novelty but you are taken for granted because you are there, an extension of her if you like. I'm sorry it hurts you. Please keep reminding yourself that the relationship she has with you is unique because it is the most fundamental of all her relationships. It also goes to show how bloody selfless we mothers are

It's hard isn't it? We just spent the weekend with family, which was lovely but I felt like I hardly saw DS as he was off playing with his cousin, reading books with aunties and uncles - didn't want Mummy at all. But why would he? I'm around all time. He refused to eat breakfast for me, as he wanted Granny to feed him.

Ah well, just goes to show how secure he is with me, as he knows I'll always be there...that's what I tell myself anyway!

Don't worry it will change and change and change again. Especially if one of you is more likely to give her what she wants.

BTW, my DCs prefer me and it drives me INSANE - I say oh dad can do this - they say oh but we prefer you.......I am changing this slowly.

Is another Mum required to reiterate all of the above? If so, then it's me! DS prefers me though. It's exhausting.

It is normal though, but one voice of caution is that it has been like this since he was born and he is now 3, so sometimes it doesn't change all that quickly! Mind you, we have only just decided to actively try and do something about it.

It is so very upsetting isn't it? We just have to plough on and enjoy all the many many amazingly good bits that we get like the unrequested hug or hilarious comment.

MIB, I think you should try to see this in a really positive light - you have obviously given her a great sense of trust in you, and a confidence that she doesn't need to "play up" for your love.

It's often when children have a really strong, confident bond with their main carer that they feel able to take it for granted in the way you describe.

Certainly from my own experience, my DS is always most demonstrative when he is distressed and insecure - after his baby brother was born, when he's hurt or upset etc. When he is secure and confident he doesn't feel the need to be constantly reassured that I love him.

I think you should be proud that you have given her such a secure basis to start from that she can take your love for granted and concentrate on building relationships with the other adults in her life

She takes you for granted, but it's lovely that she does. She absolutely trusts you always to be there. Dads aren't a given, not to little girls, they think they have to work harder with them. Mine has actually started saying she doesn't like me, and I just make fun of her and say 'Euggh, I don't like mummy', and pull a face until she laughs. Or I say 'I know, darling, but I love you' (sorry if that's a bit nauseating). She also tells me to go away when she's playing with her dad. I'm just happy she loves her dad. As long as you keep showering her with love and affection and don't give her a hard time for no reason, and frankly, even if you are a kind of mean mum, she will love you unconditionally. Please don't let it hurt you or upset you. I used to worry about this so much when mine was 15 months (she's 2.5 now, and their 'preferring' of one parent can get a LOT meaner than you have it now) and I don't worry at all now, it just makes me giggle. One day she'll cry for you, only you, and it will break your heart and make you feel guilty.

My DS (almost 2) seems to prefer dad at the moment, and unlike most here, I'm not really his main carer, dp is, at home. I took maternity leave with him and then returned to work with him at CM at 10 months, discovered I was pregnant again 2.5 months after that.

When I first went back to work I used to take him most days and dp would collect, except one day a week usually where dp was on a late shift and we'd swap. Then as dp no longer had to do shifts from August and I was getting very very tired with pregnancy, and to find it really hard to pick him up out of his cot and carry him downstairs (he's big for his age) and dp started to get him ready and take him in the morning as well.

Then with ds2 I ended up being away from ds1 (staying in hospital with ds2) for all but two nights in the first fortnight. ds1 goes to his CM during the day and dp normally takes ds1 and brings him home. If we're all together I'm spending a lot of time breastfeeding ds2 - who is only 2 months. Just before ds2 was born I took ds1 out for an afternoon without his dad and he howled all the way down the street when he realised dad wasn't coming .

I feel I'm really lucky being able to be with ds2 as if he was a first child, but I'm sad that I don't seem to be able to have quality time alone with ds2. I was hoping to be able to take both to a toddler group for the occasional afternoon but I'm worried he'd just scream at me for trying to take him from CM.

Anyway, I'm sure you've done nothing wrong, I understand how sad you feel, and hope it gets better for you and me soon, and that you can try some of the tips that others have given.

MayitBe Good advice here from everyone, and I went through it myself with DS1.

It will pass.

Oh, and it's not just girls. DS1 preferred DH, until he was about 4. DS2 is the other way around!

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and all the kind words and reassurances. I met up with dh for lunch today to discuss this (thought I could hold it together better in public). I explained how I feel and also told him that there are other mums who have gone through this so clearly it's just not all in my head. I think he understands the situation better now and hopefully will be able to support me in the challenging days ahead. I feels loads better now so thank you all once again.

MIB x

Oh darling, you poor thing! I have been here too with my DS and had similar thoughts.

It was with my mum though and not DH (although he has been flavour of the month recently ... it changes day by day sometimes). I've been so so upset when he has wriggled away from me to get to her.

Sometimes when she has dropped him off after babysitting he hasn't wanted me at all and has shrieked in horror when I have tried to take him from her arms. I too have wondered 'what have I done wrong?' but I'm told it's normal and he is so affectionate towards me otherwise.

Who would have thought that they could break are hearst like this when they're so young?!

elkiedee, dd1 has been much more vocal about not liking me since dd2 was born. It is absolutely natural - you're 'cheating' on them, almost, by having some new person who fulfils the role they fill, but demands (and gets) all the time they want. Please don't be sad or take it personally. He's cross because he adores you and wants all of you and has no way of controlling it. Relax and just keep telling him you love him, in a calm happy way. Enjoy your baby, don't feel guilty.

Dd did this also and it broke my heart and I shed many tears over it. I blamed myself, she even preferred her grandparents over me.
For us it went on for a long time but dd is 3.5 now and I have an amazing relationship with her. Dh is still referred to as 'my Daddy' all the time and she can't wait to see him when he gets home but she tells me she loves me every day and we have great cuddles. I'm now happy for her to favour her Daddy as I know she loves me too.
This change happened somewhere between the age of 2 and 3.
I really know where you're coming from and I remember the pain it caused me but hang on in there it'll improve

People have written very sensible posts-do not cry-it doesn't mean anything! The best thing for your DC is to be calm and take it in your stride. There is enough love for everyone, loving one doesn't take it away from another and it isn't a competition! Don't take it personally-all it means is that she doesn't see daddy so often and of course he comes in fresh and is more exciting. Just enjoy your baby, the years go too fast to waste them getting jealous.