Older sibling v naughty & violent towards new baby sister

[Picante]

I'm sure this has been covered many times... and yes I will search the archives!

I'm asking on behalf of a friend who's just had a baby girl 5 weeks premature. Her ds has just turned 3 and is causing havoc. Has tried to hit the baby and even put a pillow over her. Is also just being very badly behaved in general!

My friend is at a loss - her new baby is very tiny and obviously she has an overwhelming desire to protect her, so she ends up just being more cross with her ds.

Any miracle solutions? Her dp is going back to work this week and she's petrified of being left alone with both of them.

Thanks

No miracle solutions but

1. Make sure older sibling has some sort of important role in looking after his new baby sister- e.g. helping at nappy changes by soaking and passing balls of cotton wool etc., reading her a story etc.

Plenty of praise needed when he helps.

1. As soon as the baby is asleep, mum needs to invest any last remaining energy in "quality time" with her elder son- doing something he loves, be it reading, play dough, baking cookies etc. She has to suspend all thoughts of using nap times to clean/cook unless these involve her DS in a happy way!

1. Get outside as much as possible with them both- once it's warmer if LO is well wrapped up it's possible to breastfeed in a playground while the older one plays- made easier if she has other mums to go with so more eyes!

1. Ignore his bad behaviour- it's attention he is after. But do explain the she knows how hard it must be for him that mummy has to spend lots of time looking after his new sister, but that little babies need a lot of help and that he was one too (get out the photo album to prove it). That it is understandable to feel angry at times, but that mummy needs his help etc etc.

It does get easier (there was 2.2 yrs between my DS and his new DD)

No advice at all, but wanted to let you know, I'm in same boat with my 2 ds's. Ds1 is 20 months and ds2 is 9 weeks.
It's getting a little easier now, the balance is shifting, ds1 is spending a little more time being nice and a little less being nasty. Only a little though.
Agree with JJf

Thanks JJ! I will pass those tips on.

I liked 'Siblings Without Rivalry'. It had some helpful suggestions in it. Maybe you could buy her that as a present!

We had the same, same age gap too. I put a lock on ds' door in the end so I could at least go to the loo. Other than that, I just took one of them with me whenever I left the room.

It was exhausting but it wore off eventually. They are now (nearly 9 and 12) very good friends.

Jellyfish's tips are very good. And other than that- just patience. And trying not to be too shocked. A 3yo has no concept of the vulnerability of a baby: a 3yo putting a pillow over someone's face is not the same as a 10yo doing it.

Once your second is born and seems so tiny and vulnerable, it is easy to overestimate the grownupness of the older child. But a 3yo is really only a baby too.