Perfectionist 3yo- too stubborn to try anything until she can do it perfectly. How do I help/teach her to fail and move on?

[EachPAQUESPearMum]

DD has always been a perfectionist (can't imagine where she gets it from )
Wouldn't crawl or walk until 16mo- crawled for 2 days, then stood up and walked perfectly, with no wobbles or falling over.
Didn't say a word until 19mo- then was using complete phrased sentences a few months later.

One of her friend's had a birthday party at a softplay place, dd was so excited- talking about it everyday since the invitation arrived, was desperate to go, and yet when we're there refused to go on anything, or play in the balls because 'I can't do it'

She is currently very interested in 'reading' and 'writing', and likes to spend time tracing letters over dotted lines or drawing them. However she is getting herself almost hysterical because she can't form the letters exactly right (erm, yes- thats because your 3 darling) so I have to put the books away, which makes me feel terrible, as she is desperate to do them.

I just don't know how to encourage her to try stuff and learn from her mistakes. FWIW we have always tried not to praise the outcome of tasks, rather the effort. We always highlight when we adults can't do things, or get things wrong, etc etc.

I know it is her personality, but how can I help her accept that she cannot be 100% perfect at everything all the time. (Would probably be beneficial to me too)

hah! I was working on myself there.... 'you're' not 'your' sorry.

My dd was a lot like this. The breakthrough for us came at about 3 when she found an old nursery bok of mine which I had scribbled on and she realised that I had been 'messy' too when I was a toddler. This made a big impression on her and we've worked on this theme since - about how everybody has to learn to do things and it takes lots of practice.

Myabe you could even fake something from your early childhood and show her how you had to learn to draw etc.

Now, (at 3.7) whenever I say I can't do something - she tells me I will just have to learn.....

thank Acinonyx... don't think I've got anything left of mine... wonder how I can mock something up...

Have you got any drawings or anything from when she was younger herself? It helped my 5 year old DS to see how much progress he's made with stuff like that since he was 2, say.

My DS sounds much like your DD. He has gradually got more confident in his own abilities. I think this has been a combination of things: really good teachers at nursery and now school, me telling him about things that I used to struggle to do when I was little (he loves hearing that stuff and finds it hard to believe that I once didn't know how to read or write even though I am an adult!). Also, I have a 3 year old who just scribbles at the moment, so it helps DS1 to see that he can do so much more than someone younger.

And, just general maturing and growing older I guess. Sounds like you're doing just as the books advise about instilling confidence so stick with it, it's probably just a phase and it'll lessen as she gets older.

I think my DS will always be a perfectionist and it does have its drawbacks: he's a terrible loser at games (we don't pander to this by letting him win) and we've tried to explain about the fun of taking part being more important than the winning, and while he SAYS he understands that, he still doesn't losing - he sees it as failing. He sets himself such high standards.

The other thing is that at last parents evening, his teacher said that he is very bright and keen, but for some work such as painting etc, he is sooooooo slow, and will take 2 days to finish a picture when the rest of the class finished 20 mins after starting! Again, I've tried explaining that things don't have to look perfect, it could just be the mixture of colours that is so great about a picture rather than the fact that he didn't go over the lines, but I dunno.....

like I say, he IS a lot better than he used to be, but I think it's something that will always be in his makeup.

Some kids are still like this at 16.

As curly haired says, it's about confidence and self esteem. Therefore, lots of praise to build her up is the key.

EPPM - my daughter was exactly like this at 3 and that year of her life was the most testing of MY entire life to date, as a result!! not to mention hers - if ever a child disliked being three, it was her ...all i can say, is, it gets SO much better as they get older. DD is now 7 and life has got exponentially better for her and for the rest of us every year, largely bcs of the maturation process i have to say, though of course patience, praise, simple explanations etc are really important too. but my main message is - hang on in there, it gets better. my DD will always be a perfectionist but she can now laugh at herself (if only after the event...) and understand her character trait in that direction. since it's shared with her dad, to whom she is really close, it's become a kind of funny little quirky bond between them, in fact. we've tried our best to instil the vocab for emotions with her from early on, there's a great poster of all sorts of different children's facial expressions you can get, which is a good aid to helping them express their frustrations. good luck!

Thankyou people... some good news here and definitely won't be giving up hope...