Help!!! My toddler is refusing to eat - think he's getting ill now

[Wills]

First a little bit of background. ds1 is my 3rd dc and my first is autistic (aspergers) and would fall into the category of rather starving to death than eating anything new or different (including if you make carrot batons instead of carrot slices (rounds). So I'm definitely used to seriously difficult eaters but my 2 year old son is going one further. He hasn't poohed for 3 days now and I'm starting to really worry now.

The problem is not what he'll eat but knowing what he'll eat tonight iyswim. On monday he could plough his way through baked beans but then refuse them for the next two weeks. I could present him with 15 meals yet none of them might be what he "fancies" tonight. He's soooo stubborn that he'll happily go hungry. Then he'll wake in the night crying for milk. I've gritted my teeth and gone through the crying for milk and then he gets up in the morning really hungry. But again his stubborness is greater than anything so if I don't present him with what he fancies he'll go without. He will drink milk but this just seems to block him up down below to the point where he started to bleed and we had to go to A&E where I was tutted at as though I don't know how to feed my child properly. I felt like leaving him there and telling them to bloody try!

So any tips/advice.

Have you tried maybe star charts to incentivise/reward him for trying what is put in front of him? Or getting him involved in meal planning - and meal making - for the week? It sounds like he maybe needs to feel like he's making the decisions about food, so getting him involved may help.

The only other thing I could suggest is speaking to your GP - they may be able to refer you to a child behaviour specialist who can better advise you.

Could you offer him a choice before you make the meal, eg do you want beans or pasta? I always offer my 2 yr old ds a choice of cereal for breakfast, never tried it for a main meal though. But he rarely complains once he's chosen it himself, whereas he would automatically complain about whatever I choose for him. I think it just gives them a sense of control.

Also one trick I have is to offer a selection of things with dinner, so maybe chilli with rice and 2 different veg, so at least there's normally at least one thing he likes. For pudding I normally put out a plate of 2 or 3 chopped fruits for them to help themselves to alongside the pudding. I find that if I ask them if they want any fruit, they say no, but if I just put it on the table for them to help themselves to, they usually end up eating it.

dinkystinky - I'm not sure a star chart would work. He's not ready for that. For instance, eat dinner then you can have some icecream (oddly a food he's never faddy about!) def doesn't work.

rony - hadn't thought of offering him choice - def worth a try.

Part of my problem is that his prounouncation of words is extremely poor (lots of words but he struggles to sound his words clearly) and I'm concerned that we'd get lost in his frustration over his inability to communicate iyswim.

Sorry to go completely off the point - but was it you Wills who gave me the anti-thrush diet about 5 years ago? If so it really worked and I can't thank you enough.

I don't know loads about this but a friend of mine has a child with SN who is a very fussy eater and doesn't have great communication skills and they have a book (it was fridge magnets before as there were so few foods he would eat) that has pictures of foods in so that they can express what they want by pointing and using the visual clues instead of verbal ones.

Do you think something like that could work?

Could you use pictures? Maybe decide early on in the day and stick the picture of what he has chosen on the fridge so he knows whats coming and head off a wobbly?

The whole hard poo so not pooing cycle is tricky as well- have you tried lactulose?

How about 'piccy lunchs' ie lots of bits like pita bread, carrot sticks, cheese, grapes etc and he can help himself?

sorry x post

have you thought about having pictures/photos of different foods he will eat or has eaten, eg carrots, peas, chips, eggs, sausages, chicken, fish finges etc. then ask him to give you a picture that he wants to eat, make a game of it. he gives you a picture of a carrot, you give him a carrot stick, then perhaps add something with it, for example, carrot stick and cheese spread to dunk in i, chips with a small bowl/tub of beans to dunk his chips in. if you make the deciding what to eat just as fun as eating and involve him in deciding then there's less pressure on him.

hope it helps

what about no set meals but constant "snacks" throughout the day?

My DS5 has issues with food and has AS like your DS1.

Milk made up a lot of my DS's calories when he was younger so I would give your DS3 as much as he wants if I were you. There is a lot of goodness in milk as you know, so if no food is going in it is of real value.

Will he eat any fruit snacks to help keep him regular?

I literally had to give my son what he would eat, often snacks, anything to get the calories in really.

Do you think your DS3 nay have AS like his brother? (4 of my 5 DSs have it...)

Hi ya ninja - really glad it worked!

Tiggiwinkle - I think ds is showing distinct signs but will hold eye contact and is very cuddly. Dd1 (the aspergic one) can't do eye contact and doesn't like touch. He doesn't have many similar traits but whether he'd get a full blown diagnosis I'm not sure. God 4 out 5 - wow! The non AS one... how do you stop that one mimicking the behaviour of the others? dd2 is definitely not AS yet mimics dd1's behaviour and can come across as AS.

and NO WAY will any type of fruit pass his lips unless blended to a very fine pulp, mixed with custard and frozen i.e. icecream - and even then he'd probably reject. He will eat veg, sometimes.

I do think its worth me trying the pictures though - thanks for those.

Wills try giving him anything he will eat in lots of snacks finger food and leave it around where he can reach. Give him what he likes and give him a time limit say 1/2 hour at meal times ask him if he has had enough then take it away, do not make a fuss when taking food, do this for a few days and see how he is progressing. Let him snack as much as he wants you need to build his appetite because his body has got used to very few food and milk I d say dont cut the milk this will give him the needed vitamin even though HV say cut I did not. Does he get ill alot? My Ds was exactly the same would not touch nothing at all and would live on milk I did the above routine and his apetite returned hope it works for you, he also kept getting ill bad immune sytem and had very big tonsils. I would leave food where he could reach did not force him to eat and I used minadex tonic as soon as he got a slight cold it is a vitamin and mineral supplement for children during and after illnesses this helped my son and he also had his tonsil removed now he is still not a good eater will choose alot of food but is doing well

I spend a lot of time at our children's centre and used to be a nursery nurse. Trust me, ALL toddlers do this. Mine included. It's how you behave and react that matters. Cook one dinner, thats it take it or leave it. Act like you really don't care wether he eats it or not. Ive know a few parents who cook one thing, DC says no, then they cook something else, DC says no again....all this just gives DC power and attention -rewarding him for not eating because the parent doesn't have the balls to just say NO!

DS was a pain for eating and snacking so we now have the following routine:

Breakfast
fruit snack
lunch
savoury snack
dinner
(he can have whatever he likes for pudding if he has eaten nicely during the day).

This is stuck too, but he does have some control. I will ask him which of 2 meals he would prefer so he feels he has a choice. He likes to help cook it aswell.

We aim to eat at the table, as a family for at least one meal a day.

I praise DC for his behaviour while eating (using a knife and fork, please and thankyous) rather than drawing attention to how much he has actually eaten.

A healthy child will never starve themselves. DC went on hunger strike when I first started this routine. It lasted one or two days, he lost no weight. He got the messege very clearly. Toddlers can survive on very little food. Persiverence is the key.

A time limit is also a good idea mumsobusy

If your worried you could go to your GP/HV. If he's loosing weight I would. You could also give vitamins for a while, for a little boost while he is going through this phase.