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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

friend's toddler nearly 2yrs old but doesn't have an interest in toys...

23 replies

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 20:11

We are friends with a couple who have a 23 month old DS, but all he does is watch TV. He can't play with toys, even when he is surrounded by them, and hardly mutters a word.

We want to say something as we are concerned but should we (me and DH)? We don't want to be seen as interfering, but worried about their DS's mental development. He also gags on solid food, he can't manage anything with lumps and still on formula milk morning and night. He only just started walk a few months ago.

Any suggestions please?? Thanks in advance.

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thisisyesterday · 07/04/2009 20:13

i wouldn't say anything. they may well already be seeking help for him if there is something wrong

mrsgboring · 07/04/2009 20:14

Hmmm do you think the parents haven't noticed? Because I expect they have. Might be more constructive to offer babysitting and give them a break.

Can't see a problem with the formula milk - it's higher in nutrients than cow's milk and perhaps their DS won't drink any other milk (my DS still has breastmilk at 3.5 and won't drink cow's)

Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 20:17

they actually just say he's 'lazy' and very 'laid back' when they discuss what he's up to these days (we don't visit very often, but have been informed of his progress from a relative). they don't seem to think anything is wrong with their DS. that's what is worrying me.

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Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 20:19

I'm not criticising, we've all had dilemmas and issues with our DCs, just pointing out what's going on with a friend's DS.

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thisisyesterday · 07/04/2009 20:21

well maybe that's just their way of sayting mind your own business.
perhaps they just don't want to discuss it.

honestly, if something is really wrong with him it will get picked up sooner or later, when he starts nursery or school.

Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 20:26

let's hope you are right.

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IheartEASTEREGGS · 07/04/2009 20:28

If you dont see him often and are just going on what a relative is gossping then I'd keep quiet tbh, you wont have the full story.
I'm sure his parents are taking any action they need to, even if you havent heard about it.

TotalChaos · 07/04/2009 20:30

either they are firmly in denial, or are seeking help from specialists but do not wish to discuss it (hopefully the latter). Either way best not to raise the issue unless they bring it up. as parent to a child with SN - most useful things a friend can do are:-

remain friends - it can be particularly hard to maintain your individuality etc with a child with SN
listen without judging
not to rub their own dc's achievements in your face.

izzymom · 07/04/2009 20:50

Ahfeckit - my guess would be that they may not realise that TV on all time not ideal, nor may they realise that they need to spend a little time playing and chatting with their son.

The parents I come into contact with through delivering parenting courses have not had positive experiences themselves, and are not aware that there are other ways of doing it.

Obviously, on a parenting course my role is to gently make these suggestions, am not sure how I would do so to a friend/relative. Perhaps you could say that you were watching TV programme/reading magazine article about ways to help children's development and repeat some of the things they would suggest (eg.play with child, turn TV off for an hour or 2, singing nursery rhymes). Or, if you have contact with them a lot, your friend may begin to see alternative parenting ideas through what you do with your child?

I wouldnt take a direct, critical approach. Nobody enjoys criticism, especially about our kids!! Sorry I couldnt be more helpful

luvaduck · 07/04/2009 21:15

yeh i would agree with izzymom - i think he doesn't know how to play with toys/talk becasue the tv is on all the time, and he's getting an unrealistic perspective of the world.

in fact there is a case study showing exactly this in sally ward baby talk.

difficult though, how do you raise it? prob by saying, i've read this and this, but talking about your children rather than hers - eg i'm trying to do this now as i read. difficult though.

IheartEASTEREGGS · 07/04/2009 21:17

cpould you try and spend more time with them?
invite them round to your house and say your tv is broken to encourage him to play with your dc's?
invite them to join you at play centres?

TotalChaos · 07/04/2009 22:03

given the latish walking and the inability to eat lumps - I would be very very wary of assuming it's crap parenting. I'ld also be wary of offering well-meaning advice - if they are going down the consulting health-pro route then it could be seen as patronising to say "try reading to him and talking to him more" If the child can imitate, then you could say that a friend of yours (well me, a random poster on a talkboard but you don't have to mention that LOL!)who had a late talker found the Sing and Sign DVDs you can get at ELC helpful.

Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 22:07

they don't really leave the house much or visit friends very often, we visit when we can but not much (due to other commitments), as do a few of their other friends with kids.

their son enjoys TV (which is fair enough) and I think they let him watch it because of this. They don't sing nursery rhymes, or sing any songs, play with toys etc. I try my best when I'm over, and my own DS who is of a similar age plays with the toys and says hello to him but they are both of a different development stage, so it's hard not to compare. please tell me I'm not the only one guilty of this! he just seems a bit behind in various ways, and I agree, it would be foolish to bring up the topic with the parents. If I were in their situation I wouldn't appreciate criticism either.

As someone else has already pointed out, if there is anything wrong developmentally then it will get picked up in nursery school.

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Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 22:12

thanks totalchaos, no, I'm not implying they are crap parents. they love their son. it's just a really awkward situation, you know?

someone else I was talking to a few days ago says it may be a sign of autism, but really, who knows. It may just be innocent late developer.

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hester · 07/04/2009 22:16

I'm quite surprised at the responses on this thread. I think it's quite odd (but how British!) not to say anything, as they are your friends. Surely it doesn't have to be done in a spirit of criticism, or received as such?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong, or that the parents are at fault, but don't friends have these kind of conversations with each other?

Original poster

ahfeckit · 07/04/2009 22:49

but i can see where others are coming from, and i'm trying to imagine my DS not doing something that he is supposed to be doing for his age, and how i would like that if others pointed it out, friends or not. sometimes we don't really want people to point things out. doesn't mean that we don't worry about them all the same..it's difficult to know what to do for the best. will mull it over the next couple of days.
i don't want to cause any upset but felt worried enough to ask for advice on here, i just want to know how others would be in this situation. thanks for everyone's comments.

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walkinthewoods · 08/04/2009 21:16

Is it possible that the parents put the TV on when you;re there to keep ds quiet in order to talk to you as they don;t see you that often? Just a thought.

ButtercupWafflehead · 08/04/2009 21:26

Ah, I realise how judgemental I am about to sound...

If you are worried, could you talk to your HV and leave it with them?

The problem is, it's easy for a child to slip through the net, particularly if they're not attending Nursery.

I worked with a child who was in similar circumstances - lots of worried relations, parents did nothing/thought things were normal. The child wasn't bought to our attention until age 4 when he started attending nursery and was referred immediately. He had missed out on years of speech therapy etc, and is now markedly behind his peers and attending a special school. Not to say that an earlier diagnosis would change this, only that both he and parents went without support for all that time.

If you don't think it's that serious, perhaps you could say something along the lines of "Ah, it's so easy to just leave ds in front of the tv! I've GOT to make an effort to turn it off - how about going on a trip together" or something equally as...er... subtle?

noonki · 08/04/2009 21:50

I agree with izzy and tell them that said articlerecommends no more than 20 minutes a day (in fact is none for under 2's in the recent study I saw but he's nearly two)

offer to do things with them. ask them for suggestions of other things to do with your kids too.

ilikeyoursleeves · 08/04/2009 22:02

Hi, just to say that my 17 month DS is a late walker (well, he still doesn't walk on his own but only recently started walking with his walkers and holding on to furniture) and I did start to get really fed up with comments of 'oh is he not walking yet?' esp when all his peers were. I ended up saying 'he's just too laidback to be bothered' and felt bad for this as I was worrying a bit but didn't want to talk about it to random strangers! So many your friends are really aware but just don't want to discuss it? Hopefully their HV is aware though.

Can you get them to visit your house for a play and you can then keep the TV off and see how he is?

Original poster

ahfeckit · 09/04/2009 11:36

they don't really visit other people's homes, that's the thing. they always have excuses ready. i just don't get it...

buttercup, i'm sort of going along those lines sadly, I just feel there's more to the situation than meets the eye and I think I may have to say something. It's the child that matters at the end of the day.

They took their DS to the HV when he had to have his jabs, and when they were there the HV noticed that he wasn't walking at that point, couldn't weight bear, so she made a referral to physio, and he got seen to (but that was only by chance that this happened, if the HV hadn't expressed her concern on a visit for the jabs, then the parents would never have bothered enquiring about his walking, or lack of at 18 months).

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Original poster

ahfeckit · 09/04/2009 11:39

they are very private people, so tend not to mix with others very often. I suppose it's weird to me, but maybe normal to them. It's all relative I suppose.

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TotalChaos · 09/04/2009 15:19

it's good that the DS is on HV and physio radar, so not completely outside the medical system, physio will I imagine have a feel for what's normal in terms of play etc.

buttercup - even when a parent is on the ball, in some areas it's easy for parent/child not to get early intervention - I was first concerned about DS language aged 2.3, got fobbed off and was only had first NHS SALT appt at 3.8 and paed appt at 4.1.

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