3 year old out of control

[melancholymum]

Please help. I have a 3 year old who literally never listens to a word I say. The tantrums have started back up, he won't even do the slightest thing I ask him to do, occassionally he lashes out at me. It is really getting me down to the point that I just want to cry about it - and have done a few times. I have tried to keep calm when he 'plays up' but I have gone past all capability of holding it together now and end up losing it, shouting at him (which I know is not very productive). I have tried the naughty step but felt like he was on it all the time and I struggle to pick my battles as he is always up to no good. I have brought into play a sticker chart but he just couldn't care less if he got a sticker or not.

I have been childminding for the past 7 months and am pretty sure a lot of his behaviour is as a result of this change. I do have 2 days a week where during the day it is just the 2 of us and we do so much more stuff together now than we ever used to so I'm def not neglecting him but he clearly has a problem with sharing me.

Please give me any words of wisdom about how I can control his temper (and mine) and how I can encourage him to share both me and the toys as that tends to be where the arguments start.

I have just got back form a day out with friends and their kids and to be honest I have come home in tears, embarrassed about his behaviour

I am in exactly the same situation - can completely empathise. My 3-year-old son is very bright and I love him to bits but he knows just what buttons to push. We had a very shouty morning. My husband and I struggle to get him to listen unless it's something that interests him. This is a short message as I have a 9-week-old baby asleep on one arm. Will pop back if I get a mo. Perhaps someone can give us some tips!

Read the Parent/child game or find your nearest 'The Incredible Years' parenting course.

Have worked a treat with my 4.5 yr old (with SN, so developmental age of 3) and my 9 yr old (and my DH, but don't tell him!) it is hard and exhausting at times, but in 10 short weeks I have stopped shouting and crying (behind closed dooors) and have a DS that wants to do as I ask most of the time.

The emphasis is on positive parenting, spending time in child led play (making the child feel listeded to and in control) and rewarding areas of their good behaviour. This eventually gets them interested in being praised/reward and makes imfulencing their (bad) behaviour easier.

Having said that my DS did spend 2 mins in Time Out yesterday - it doesn't make them perfect!

That course sounds interesting, however, am undergoing an NVQ at the mo, aswell as 4 people's ironing on my 'free' evenings so the liklihood of me fitting anything else in at the moment is fairly minimal!

I do try and praise him regularly, he gets loads of praise for activities he does - he is quite the artist I went really over the top tonight when he offered to share his trolley coin with me tonight (don't ask!!), he got a sticker for that one. We had about an hour of good behaviour then dh said he could have 2 mins until bedtime which he seemed pleased with. Then, refused to go to bed so was warned there would be no story, he still refused to move so has been crying since 7.30 - he has stayed in his room though. It just feels like we have about 10% fun during the day and the rest of it is bickering, back chatting, tantruming, shouting, fighting or generally ignoring.

Arrrggghh, I know he's only 3 but why does he have to be so bloody defiant???!

Went to Safari Park yesterday with a friend and her kids. He was a real bugger again. Had no interest in the animals rally, they held his attention for probably a maximum of 3 seconds which didn't really make for a fun journey round. Thouht he would love tthe Sealion show as it is interactive with the audience but I had to take him out half way through as he was kicking the woman in front. DH is trying to be his usual supportive self in suggesting that we need to change tactics and maybe stop telling hinm off so much - I know he has a point but I can't just let bad behaviour bypass me without comment can I? Oh I just don't know what to do. Was in bed or 8pm last night as was so upset and tired. Prob a good job seeing as though I was up at 5am returning ds to his own bed over and over and over.....
I just don't know what to do.

It sounds like you are doinga good job in really difficult circumstances. It also sounds like you are tired, and that always make things harder...the times I have the lost the plot and screamed at my 2.8yr old dd (reducing her to tears) have been when I am tired.

Is there anyway you can have a break for a day or 1/2 a day. Leave DS with DH or relatives, and spend some time just relaxing...and perhaps apply your mind to how you want to take things forward. I quite agree that you can't just let unacceptable behaviour go without challenge, but perhaps a bit of space to help ypu decide what you are going to pick your battles over would be useful.

Your DS is lucky to have such a caring and hardworking Mum, and I'm sure it will pass.

Thanks notyummy, your post just actually made me well up! I actually had a lovely weekend, just dh and I, when we went off for a coupld of nights two weeks ago. It was absolutely fantastic, felt so relaxed and ready to start all over again (my relationship with both dh and ds) but just feel like I am back to square one. It hasn't helped that I have had a ridiculously bad bout of PMT this week, I am not normally this emotional/moody/tired/impatient etc.

It does sound like you need to other tactics to change his behaviour.
I have been in your position and you can get into the habit of continually telling off-which is boring and ineffective for both of you!
I do think that it is hard for many boys of this age to sit still so you need to look at lots of physical activity, a scooter, a bike or just lots of running.
Take him to a place where he can run amok- soft play or a large outdoor space, a playground with climbing frames
Behaviour wis anticipation is all and you need to give him clear warnings BEFORE he does things about what you expect to happen whilst out and about.
Also, let some things go. Make a joke or tell him you understand why he did it- this will improve communication between you.
How old is the child you childmind?

mm- also, it is not his fault if he doesn't enjoy certain activities! He is 3 and unable not to act on impulse.

I have a few before and after schools ranging from 5-10 and the child I have during the day twice a week is 17mths. He is actually quite good at large soft play areas but is a monkey for pushing so I do make a point of saying that if he pushes he will have to sit out and not play, it does make him think twice I think as the past 2 times he hasn't pushed.

Does he go to nursery at all? How does he behave there?

He did up until 3 months ago. He does start again though after Easter for an afternoon and 2 mornings which I am hoping will help. They used to tell me that he was very boisterous and easily distracted but that is just him anyway I think, he doesn't sit still for a second and is easily bored.

I am sure it will help - it will give you a break, and he will be tired out racing round with the other kids. Plus he may be influenced by the routines/behaviour of other kids now he is slightly older.