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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Painfully shy.....

8 replies

Barmymummy · 05/04/2009 08:56

My DS is 3.10 and is soooo shy. Its quite upsetting actually and I am just wondering if anyone else' lo is similar.

For example....yesterday he went to sleep at my mums house for the night. No problem at all. Later my brother and his gf dropped by to say hello to him (I had gone home) and as soon as they walked in he looked all panic stricken, took himself up to the bedroom and shut the door! Mum went up and played with him and then carried him downstairs with her. He did then stay downstairs but sat on her lap or stayed very very close to her. When my brother went to leave he happily said goodbye etc!

He is ok when HE wants to say hello to people ie checkout assistants, people in the street but is thrown when they say hi first. Will cover his eyes and hide behind me. Will do this if anything is new to him actually that he is suspicious of.

Am worried about him starting school for this reason as instead of going withdrawn and crying quietly he will go into full blown crying and wanting his mummy LOUDLY lol!!

So, anyone else have a lo who is shy and any ideas how to help him? Thanks,x

OP posts:

singersgirl · 05/04/2009 09:18

Don't have any experience but bumping this for you.

GrapefruitMoon · 05/04/2009 10:02

I was very shy as a child with people I didn't see regularly - eg if cousins came to visit it took a while for me to "warm up" enough to go and play with them.

I don't remember having problems settling at school though - but my "best friend" was in my class which no doubt helped.

I think it is absolutely normal how your ds is behaving so try not to worry too much. Don't let him hear you saying that he is shy as that may reinforce the behaviour/make him think he can't be social. Maybe do role-play to give him confidence in new situations. And try to find other children who will be in his class at school so he can get to know them beforehand if doesn't already...

saadia · 05/04/2009 10:09

My two dss (now seven and five) were like this. One time ds2, when he was about 2.5 actually ran upstairs amd got into bed when dh's friend came round. Another time they both ran to the end of the garden. And once, when ds2 was sleeping MIL came round, I left for some reason, so when he woke up he saw MIL, ran upstairs and then started shouting "don't come upstairs" from the landing.

What I am trying to say is: don't worry, it's perfectly normal. The best thing you can do is to stay relaxed and not draw attention to him or his shyness when he is like this. Just act normal, he will take his cues from you.

Original poster

Barmymummy · 05/04/2009 11:35

Thank you all so much for your great advice. Know what you mean about calling him shy but although I have stopped doing this a while ago now, I find other people instantly say "oh, are you shy?". I am replying with "no, he just likes to figure things out first"....is that a suitable reply?

OP posts:

southeastastra · 05/04/2009 11:39

my ds(7) is a bit shy, i was also terribly shy and remember hiding behind my mum all the time

anyway i found this site useful

mileniwmffalcon · 05/04/2009 11:45

my dd1 was very much like this, would take a good half hour at least to warm up to visitors (even known family members) soft play etc. spent the whole of her 2 year check under the table , took her to a dancing class every week for at least a year and she hid behind the curtains for pretty much the whole session for maybe 9 months...

absolutely agree with doing everything as normal, not drawing attention, i'd steer clear of "shy" labelling, slow to warm up is my preferred phrase. but don't avoid places/situations because you think they may be too much, just introduce them gradually and never pressure him to do more than he's comfortable with.

does he go to playgroup? dd1 managed better than i expected, although i only started her on 2 mornings a week. then when it came to nursery school i sent her 4 days not 5. i'm sure it helped that her best friend was already there and settled.

she's 6 now and perfectly confident, outgoing etc, happy to stand up in class, pay in shops, do plays and dance shows etc., normal happy little girl

Original poster

Barmymummy · 05/04/2009 12:14

Yes I know totally what you mean about 'warming up'. Can take him alot longer than half hour tho!! He goes to playgroup 5 sessions a week now and struggled to settle in at the start. Took him 6 weeks to let go of me and be left but I think that was seperation problems as well as shyness. Talks happily to the teachers that are there most of the time but hides behind me when a less known parent helper talks to him. Hasn't helped that he hasn't found making friends easy due to slower conversation skills but now thats clicking in he has a couple of mates. I also find that he is more confident at talking to people (kids & adults) outdoors. Can think of a parent helper that he chatted to outside the playgroup quite well (waiting to go in) yet when they got inside he went all shy and hid behind me refusing to talk to her literally 5 mins after talking to her fine outside!!

Playgroup also had a video camera company come in that superimpose a movie behind your kid sitting in a car to make it look like they are driving a car through a farm etc but DS wouldn't even look at it!! Hid behind my legs and no way would he even go near it!

Had to ditch swimming lessons because he simply wouldn't go in the pool with a teacher he wasn't familiar with without me and no encouraging got him in that pool despite him loving swimming with us. Can be so frustrating!

We are deferring him from school til Jan 2010 to give him some confidence building time so hoping that will help a bit.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 05/04/2009 19:26

I have a very shy 3.7 yr-old. We also tried swimming and ballet lessons - which she has begged for - but had to drop as she cannot go in alone. I put off preschool until this year but she has settled in OK after the inevitable melt-down at first.

There is no way I could leave her overnight somewhere no matter how well she knew the other people and she takes an hour+ to warm up even in familiar settings. I don't push her to talk to people in general but we do work on small things, e.g. we have been working on saying 'bye bye' for ages with stickers etc.

I have been very worried about school but I think as long as they can cope with preschool they will be OK - that's my reasoning. We are going to start stickers for answering to her name on the preschool register, asking to go to the loo, and putting up her hand to speak next.

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