How do I teach DS aged 5.5 about respecting others people's personal space

[MumsyPiemaker]

I have had a couple of problems with other boy(s) pushing DS at school and he has hurt himself as a result. Have complained to the school about this as these two boys have been generally nasty to DS.

Today I observed DS in the queue at school, and he does stand very close to the other children, and pushes people out of the way and he talks right up close to their face until he gets their attention. He also ignores people who are talking to

At home he buts into our conversations, climbs and leans all over us, even when we are drinking coffee, or on the computer, pulls my clothes, puts his hand down my top in public, barges in when I am on the toilet - all normal stuff for a 5 yo I am sure.

He is an only child (although has half sister who doesn't live with us) and gets lots of hugs and attention - but obviously we can't give this 24-7. I have told him before that I need some space sometimes and from observing him am wondering how to tell him about respecting other's space too?

Sorry, but climbing all over you, pulling at your clothes and putting his hand down your top in public is not "normal stuff for a 5yo" imo.

My DS is 4.5yo and is not allowed to do that, and he does wait until I have finished speaking and does not interrupt. He vibrates with the tension of holding back, and sometimes cannot help himself but generally he will wait until I finish.

Erm thanks, that's really helpful

Lots of drawing an imaginary circle around yourself and encouraging him to stand outside it before you will listen to what he wants? Asking for space and firmly putting him a step back. Encouraging him to think about what personal space he needs - how close is OK for someone to sit next to him on a bench/sofa etc who is not in his family? Its a good thing to learn - we had the opposite, my dd needs tons of space and couldn't cope at nursery when anyone came too close, it sounds odd but we had to really encourage cuddles, hugs and closeness to help her tolerate it, and I used to give her a little back massage after her bath. Now she still likes her space but is tons more cuddly and tolerates other kids much better except when really tired.

I think MmeLindt was trying to help and definitely didn't deserve a . She's right, too - it's not 'normal' and his lack of respect for other people's personal space probably is at the root of problems at school.

As for how you help him understand, I am not sure, but I know one mother whose DS had a similar issue instigated an 'arms length' rule - i.e. that is the closest you should get to someone without being invited.

Oh and lock the door when you go to the toilet!

i'm with mmelindt on this one... at 5 he should know better, because you should have told him not to do ridiculous stuff like that.

dd is 4 and ds1 is 2 and they would be reprimanded for any of the things you mention (and often are as they forget)

hugs and cuddles are great but they're only part of parenting, another major part is teaching your child how to interact with people and behave nicely towards those around him which it sounds like you haven't been doing.

You need to model behaviour for him. Be consistent and it won't take too long.

When he invades your space, say "You're too close" and gently move him back.

Don't let him but into a conversation, tell him "Wait a minute" (but go easy at first and be quick in finishing.)

He needs to brush up on these skills - he's getting himself into situations because the other children have been taught these rules. He hasn't and he's pissing them off!

butt. not but

What about some sport? That would help with spacial awareness.

erm, my two year old does some of that list my 4 year old doesn't and wouldn't.

agree about modelling behavior, tighten up at home he is def old enough to learn this stuff. if it does seem beyond him I would mention your concerns to the school and see what they say.

Hi mumsypiemaker, gosh, some of these replies are very rude aren't they?

Anyway, my friend has overcome a similar problem with her son - I'll call him Bob. In reception last year it led sometimes to the others excluding him from games. He would try to show affection to my DS1/join in, be rebuffed, try harder (big hugs and kisses and pushes) be rebuffed more, play tricks to get attention, be rebuffed even more - you get the picture. He behaved as your lad does at home.

It came to a head at school when my DS1 sat crying through a school show pushing Bob away from him. Bob was desperate to be "in the gang" but was being pushed out of it.

Bob's mum and I had a chat because she was desperate to know why Bob was being excluded.

Bob's mum has since worked really really hard on teaching Bob alternative ways to get attention. On the physical side, she has concentrated on teaching "high fives" and handshakes as an alternative to hugs/kisses. She has taught him to ask before touching others.

I'm sure it is worth mentioning to school because my primary school friends said last year that this is quite a common problem at 5. There is a programme called "time to talk" that children who interrupt too much can participate in - basically you practice turn-taking. I bet the teacher would have some ideas.

good luck - your problem is not untypical and your boy is most certainly not "ridiculous".

Hi Mumsypiemaker, some of these replies seem a little harsh because many children by 5 have learnt about personal space, the posters are assuming you haven't taught your ds these skills - but I think some children take longer to pick up the etiquette of social interaction, it's just the way they are, you can tell them about it but they won't understand until they are more mature.

My ds would go and burp in children's faces , I spoke to him and said this is inappropriate, and did my level best to get him to respect others. I can see he's improving, and he's six. My dd age 4 has great social skills, they tell me at pre-school she is a child they put with others to model behaviour and I haven't done anything different with either of them, she certainly respects people's space.

Does you ds's school give the children opportunites to work in small groups to talk about issues like respecting others, etc. My ds has time with the Emotional Literacy Suport Assistant and she does a great job.

Just to add, I agree with Lingle, and I would speak to the school too, they should be working with him on improving social skills.

I don't think earlier posters were being as critical as is now being implied (I certainly didn't intend to be) - it was more "reality check - this may seem normal to you, but it's not" - and if (as seems obvious) the OP's DS has not picked that up, then it does need to be taught.

As I said - a friend has had to go through exactly this explicit teaching process with her DS - 'personal space' as being an arms length, you don't touch people without permission, etc, etc. It's an uphill struggle, but it is important - as the OP has already discovered, the inability to perceive when you have invaded other people's space can really damage relationships, even at 5, and cause a lot of heartache for all concerned.

Come to think of it, I've known adults who do not know how to respect personal space! With some help I am sure he'll be OK.

I don't think anyone has been really rude either - just pointed out that this is not normal 5 year old behaviour. Climbing all over you at home maybe OK, as may barging into thebathroom when you're on the loo if you have an open-door type house, but pulling your clothes and putting his hand downn your top in public are not socially acceptable and mosty children are aware of this from around 3.

I'd pick two at most instances of behaviour and try and turn these around first before working on any more. Physical closeness and not interrupting would be the two I'd choose. Other posters have suggested strategies for the former, for the latter how about a talking stick - if you and dh are talking hold a stick or something, and your ds isn;t allowed to talk until you've put it down. maybe get him to knock on a table when he wants to talk so you know?

And work with the school and get them to support your work in these areas.