Help me with my six year old DS's behaviour

[MummyDoIt]

DS1 is six. He's always been a very easy child - does what he's asked, good-natured, etc, etc. In the past few months, though, he's become very bossy to the extent where he tries to tell adults what to do in a way that sounds very rude. Unfortunately, when he's told off, he gets very upset and cries. His reaction to the slightest telling off - even something as small as 'please put your shoes away' is way over the top. Tears and sobbing and sometimes he'll say to me in the most heartbroken tones, "Mummy, I must be the worst boy in the world."

I am completely at a loss as to how to handle him. He cannot be allowed to get away with bossy behaviour, particularly with adults but his over-sensitivity is so hard to deal with.

Background for anyone who's not familiar with my story, DH died in August so I'm never sure how much any behaviour problems are down to losing his dad or how much is normal six-year old behaviour or down to his personality. A lot of adults who should have known better did say to him when DH died, "You're the man of the house now," which I think is partly behind the bossiness. He's always asking who's in charge and insists that he's in charge after me.

So far I've tried firmly telling him that bossiness is not acceptable, I've made him apologise to adults if he's come across as rude and I've just ignored the initial tears but comforted him after a few minutes. I've tried to explain that I always love him but just don't like the bossy/rude behaviour but I'm not sure if that's too hard for a boy of his age to understand.

Any advice would be really appreciated as I'm struggling with him. He really is a lovely little boy but he's putting people's backs up with his bossiness and not showing himself in his best light. SIL has been bitching about us, saying that I let him get away with everything. I'm really quite upset about that as I asked her advice because she's got a degree in Early Years education! She just said bossiness is normal at that age and didn't really offer any practical suggestions. Maybe MN can be a bit more helpful.

Oh your poor little boy. And what a horrid SIL. Yes kids do get bossy at 5/6 and become tell tales etc.

You could try asking him to say it again to you 'Oh, thats a bit of a bossy voice. Could you ask/tell me again in a kinder way?'

He sounds very sensitive. I don't think being bossy is the end of the world, its probably just a phase. It sounds like you are worrying about the reactions of those around you too.

Sorry for your loss mummydoit. Your SIL sounds very mean. I agree with maidamess that it's probably just a phase. Don't worry about what your SIL thinks, she sounds horrible.
One thing that worked well with my ds's is puppets and teddies and role playing situations. Have you got the 'How to talk book?' It has lots of good advice.

I do worry about the reactions of others. I don't want DS1 coming across as a horrible brat. I'll give you an example of what he's like. A good friend came over one afternoon and cut down a load of hedges in my garden. Obviously the clippings were all over while he was doing the work and DS1 told him, 'Don't leave that mess there,' said in a shouty voice with hand on hip and finger pointing. Then when I asked him not to tell friend what to do, off he went in tears.

I like the phrase that you suggest, though. So far I've been telling him not to be bossy but your way sounds less critical, plus I like giving him a suggestion of how to speak. I'll definitely try that one.

Bumping in the hope of more advice.

As a nursery nurse,a mum of 3 sons and as a woman who lost my own mother at 11 I can tell you without doubt that your ds is struggling to find 'his place' hes not sure how to act or how to be.

Hes only 6 hes practically to my mind still a little boy and I agree the kind voice approach is a good method.

What you have to be so very aware of is that he has had a massive trauma and this will affect all aspects of his life for ever ....and of course thts why hes teary,at 6 hes just finding his place in the world and such a lot has gone on for him in the past few years its obviously going to tae a while to adjust and indeed its a very difficult time for you too.

I think you are doing all the right things.

also worth remembering kids do start 'bossing' at about 6-7 so this is natural development.

I think that a lot of it stems from the 'you're the man of the house now' comment.
It must be very hard for him to come to terms with the death of his father. Have you been in touch with an organisation like Winston's wish? this page
They talk to children and also get them together with other DCs who have lost parents.
It might help him to talk to someone who isn't so close. If you don't like this idea I would suggest that you talk to him when you are both in a good mood, say that you really appreciate his help but that it would be better if he could encourage people without them feeling he is bossy. Give him some strategies

I think it sounds very like he is doing what he THINKS the "man of the house" should be doing. How about some chats with him about how lovely Daddy was and how he interacted with people, eg everybody always says what a lovely kind polite sensitive man etc etc and perhaps he will gradually get to see that there are different (and more successsful!) ways of being a "man". It sounds like he is having trouble figuring out his place and his role. perhaps also talk to him about his responsibilities as a child, and how they are diff from those of an adult. It's very tough for both of you.

mummydoit- So sorry you have lost your dh and your wee boy has lost his dad.It does sound like he is struggling with trying to fill his dad's shoes.
What a wee pet he is.
Maybe you need to undo those well meaning comments that have obviously had an impact on him.

Is there any counselling available for him?

It isn't just Winston's wish. A lot of areas have their own as in Bedfordshire
If you google child bereavement services and your county you can see what you can come up with. It might be that you just want someone to tlk to about your DC.

Thank you all for responding. I did have a look when DH died to see if there are any child bereavement services local to us but unfortunately there aren't. Ironically if we lived 5 miles further north, we'd qualify for the Bedfordshire one. What Nickschick said makes a lot of sense. I think because both my DSs seem to be coping very well everyone assumes they're all right but who knows what goes on in their minds? It's bound to have a huge impact, now and for a long time in the future. Just yesterday, DS1 got upset about something and started saying he wanted his Daddy back. DS2 asked one of my male friends if he would be his new Daddy. Things like that happen all the time.

I'm going to give the Winston's Wish helpline a call and see if they can help or maybe know of a local service. I'll just carry on with the firm but kind approach and try not to stress too much about the bossiness.

Thanks for helping.

Good luck. A certain amount is probably just being at a bossy age. Have you seen the WayFoundation?
here
It might help to find others going through a similar experience.