MIL driving me mad....

[mollymay]

Can I seek you advice on something. My dd who's almost two has just started calling me mama. Great you might say. Yes it is but occasionally when she wants to get the attention of someone else she calls them mama too. My MIL is looking after my dd while I work (part time)but really wants me to give up work as she thinks I should be at home looking after dd. This morning she said she felt really sad when dd called her mama because she said dd should know who are mummy is (i.e. implying that dd is confused (because I work!). She often has little digs but I am at the end of my tether and left the house really upset this morning. Do you think she is right?

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I don't think she is right. My son calls his childminder mum because her son is also with him and that's all he hear's her being called. I don't have an issue with him calling her mum as trust me he certainly knows who I am.

He obviously calls her mum when he wants something just like your little dd. Your MIL is entitled to her opinion but you know what is best for your family and if going back to work is what suits then stick with it. You also know that she is using it to get something that she wants or attention when she needs it.

It's a shame your MIL is looking after your daughter but has these views about you working. The world isn't what it was when she raised children and she needs to be understanding of that. Has she actually come out and said that she thinks it is inappropriate you working and that you should be at home or are you making that assumption based on a variety of comments. It's not easy but would it help if you sat her (MIL that is) down and explained to her why it is you are working.

For example, I work because it is best for my son and I. Unfortunately I am not a stay at home mother (but I wish I could be) and by me going to work my ds enjoys loving attention through the day with someone who takes the time to teach him new things. He then comes home with me and has my undivided attention until he goes to bed as I haven't seen him all day. When I was at home with him I was ratty by 5.00 pm and I didn't think that was fair on him. He also gets to enjoy other children's company which I think is good as at the moment he is our only child. He needs to learn to share etc. Is this similar to yourself. I think my reasoning is perfectly justifiable and as I said I know what is best for my family and this is certainly best for us.

If you are working because you have to due to money then she would surely understand this reason as well. Have a good honest chat with her about your reasons for going to work and how you are upset at some of the comments she has made in the past. She may not realise the effect she is having by saying these things and it will hopefully make her think in the future. By having an honest chat it should also make her open up to you and it won't hurt for her to get her thoughts off her chest even if they don't agree with your views. As I said everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just make her feel like she is being listened to and I'm sure the relationship will improve. You should both feel better by clearing the air and at least you will both know exactly where you stand and should be able to live with that.

Edgarcat...believe me I would love to shut her up...

meanmum...Thank you for your thoughts...unfortunately I have trying several times to reason with her...its a bit of a long story but initially she looked after dd because I had to go back to work for six months otherwise I had to pay back my maternity leave. Anyway after the six months MIL expected me to stop working but I really enjoyed it and didn't want to. dh though I should give up as well so I went through a horrible time of it with major rows, etc. Anyway MIL said she would carry on until Xmas last but kept on at dh putting pressure on that I should stop work. Meanwhile dh's business failed and financially we were in a mess. Then all of a sudden dh came round to my way of thinking and agreed that I should carry on working. It didn't stop MIL putting her opinion to dh when I wasn't there. Anyway xmas came and MIL said she would carry on until end April. I have searched high and low and have finally found a childminder I am happy with so it looks like finally MIL will be out of the picture. But she still can't help herself making digs like the one this morning. I have given up trying to reason with her. We have had chats in the past but she is very old school and even starts crying and saying how she pities poor dd. It has been a very stressful and tiring year and has caused tension between us. I even said this morning that I have put on a stone in weight cause I am binge eating cause I have been so unhappy and she doesn't even ask why cause she knows. Its like we both refuse to discuss it cause theres nothing left to discuss. I just leave the house in tears yet again....

What a shrew. The tears sound like they are being put on just to wind you up even more. People playing dirty tricks must also expect them to be played on them. I'ld start crying at the next crappy comment she makes and see how she likes it.

Isn't it amazing how blind she is to the realities. Your dh's business folds so effectively your income is what is keeping the family above water and yet she won't acknowledge this.

There are some people who you just can't change and it is only herself she is hurting. The more she alienates you the less she will see of your dd especially now you have found a good childminder.

meanmum - exactly! We would not have survived these last few months without my income yet I get no acknowledgement for this...In reality I felt let down by dh because he didn't support me when I really needed it..(i.e. when I wanted to work it wasn't ok but now that I need to work it's acceptable).

I also feel worn down by MIL. I feel like giving up work, which will lead to me being unhappy, dd being unhappy, dh being unhappy, I'll never see dh cause he'll always be working, we'll struggle to survive financially which will put extra strain on our marriage, etc. then when it all goes wrong I will pat her on the back and say..."Are you happy now?" I only work three days a week!

As it is, I was looking forward to having another child. I told her we were trying for another but she has shown no interest and I know it sounds dramatic but I am beginning to wonder whether I should have another one if I am "such a bad mother"...sorry, just sounding off...it really got me down this morning.

To top it off she's moving away anyway (at the moment she only lives round the corner) so she wants me to give up work and then she's going to disappear and I will have no one! (I don't have family, only a sister who lives over an hour away)...

Mollymay, I'm SURE that your dd knows exactly who you are and isn't at all confused! Definitely! I would start drumming into her that MIL is called Witch though, or whatever her name is, so she stops using mama as a catch all name. It sounds as if things will improve when your dd starts at a childminder instead of your MILS and it's not long to go is it? In your position I'd try to stay icily polite whilst completely ignoring her comments. Actually, no I wouldn't, I'm lying there, I'd politely tell her that my working was none of her business and a joint decision made by me and Dh/dp. I do know that in differences of opinion with my dp's mum he always backs me up though, so I think that makes a difference to how bolshy I can be! She sounds trying, much sympathy. But I doubt very very much that your dd thinks she is her mum, they do know you know, however young they are. Good luck with keeping your temper.

wickedwaterwitch - Like it! Witch...ummm has a certain ring to it...

I know I have to keep quiet as its not for much longer and I will just wind dh up if I mention it cause he "adores his mum"...

I am so nervous about handing dd over to childminder though (another legacy of an interferring MIL)

Don't worry about dd going to a childminder. My ds worships his. Honestly she is a better mother than I am. Always playing with him, reading to him, teaching him new things. No day is the same. I don't feel guilty at all as I know he gets better care with her than he would with me. All I would be doing is worrying about the washing, ironing, dishes etc if we were together and he wouldn't get half the attention he does at the moment.

My childminder also writes in a book that is just for me about what my son did that day. She writes what he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner, what his temperament was for the day, what activities they did, how many times he went to the toilet (eg 1 poo, 1 wee etc). It makes me feel a part of his day and when the book is complete I get to keep it. I never did this when I was looking after him and have already forgotten all the important things you're supposed to remember. Ask your childminder to do the same. I think OFSTED recommend it anyway.

So what if dh adores her. You'll never break the bond of parent and child so does it matter what you say to her. Your dh does need to support you though so talk through with him what your feeling etc and tell him you expect his support whatever happens in the long term.

We went home recently and had to stay with my in-laws for a week. My MIL worships my dh and never leaves him alone when he is with her. Always touching him etc which I find creepy personally. I've always told my dh exactly what I think so he knows that even though his parents are lovely they are completely different to me and I find it very hard to relate to them. What surprised me was that he spent longer with them than I did this time and even he said she was annoying him for exactly the same reasons she annoys me. Maybe your dh needs time away from your MIL so he can see the same things you can.

I'm tempted to tell you not to grit your teeth as I am really mad that she can make you feel this way. You should not feel guilty for working, enjoying your life and having time away from your family. You are entitled to work as is your dh and if the rest of the family feel so strongly about this tell him to stay home and spend time with your dd and you can work and bring in the money. You are already doing this anyway so what's the difference. So what if he may have the ability to earn more than you he's not at the moment. I won't go on as I'll start ranting (as if I haven't already). All I can say is, you shouldn't feel guilty, thank god she's moving away, it won't be soon enough and even though your sister is only an hour away she's only seconds away on the telephone.

thanks meanmum - it all sounds so easy when you put in down on paper doesn't it...Trouble is with me is that I try and please everyone all of the time even though I know you can't. Believe me I've sat down with dh and MIL and tried to reason with them but I'm not a confrontational person unfortunately so rarely defend myself.

My mum died four years ago and dh's family took me under their wing which was great. We all got on so well but looking back it was probably because I was so eager to please all the time. This work business is the first thing on which I have stood my ground. Dh's sister lives round the corner as well and her and MIL are very clicky and i know they both think I should give up work. Makes me laught, SIL lives round the corner, doesn't work, has two kids at school but wouldn't dream of offering to help out with dd! Its very difficult to think you are doing the right thing when everyone seems to think is the wrong thing!

I'm so glad MIL's moving away now though. It will be great to take control back and have the freedom to make decisions without feeling like I am being judged by the whole family all the time.. Thanks for listening....

Mollymay of course your DD knows who her mum is. Sounds like you MIL is just doing her best to undermine you. I have had a lot of issues with working over the last few years but the happiness of my children just hasn't come into it as it has never been a problem. Certainly sounds like some space will do you all good. Good luck.

Mollymay - so pleased that you have sorted out a childminder for your DD. That really does sound like the best option for you and DD. Your DD is getting to an age where the interaction with other kids will be great. I also think that you could use a little more support from your DH - if he wasn't happy wit you working did he consider taking on some of the childcare?

As far as your original post about DD calling your MIL mama - I notice that you say other people not just MIL. So obviously your DD is doing her best to communicate with the few words she has picked up yet. If she was so neglected how come she hasn't learnt to say "Grandma" first instead? Children over-generalise and substitute when learning to talk. Your MIL is seriously under-estimating her granddaughter IMO.

I work 3 days a week and I know that in the two years of my DS's life there has not been a single week when he has spent more awake hours with anyone than he has with me. I am going away for a two night Hen Night this weekend so it might happen. But that person he will have spent more time with will be DH - do them good!

mollymay, you are not a bad mother!!

I am a childminder and have looked after over 40 children, nearly all of them have called me mummy at some point. some still do at 6!

It is just a name to call someone, my friends son always called me mummy and her Jane, don't worry about it, your child knows who mum is. Wait for that special smile when you collect her from the childminder, but don't be surprised if she bursts into tears. It does not mean that she has been unhappy, it is because she is pleased to see you.

Hope all goes well

mollymay- I couldn't live remotely near my MIL. I don't think they can help the little digs. You would know if your dd was suffering becuase of you working. Ignore your MIL. It will be good to have some space.

thanks so much for all your support...I feel much better about things now. Just spoke to dh and had a moan and for once he agreed with me that she was wrong to say what she said! Funnily enough dd can and does say nanny most of the time. I have concluded that mama must be her favourite word (and her favourite person!!) so she obviously just prefers to use mama for everybody! When I show her pictures she gets everybody right all of the time.

At the end of the day I love my dd with all my heart and I tell her all the time. Of course I would prefer to have her looked after by family but MIL has chosen to move away, SIL has chosen not to help so my choices are limited. I am doing what I think is right for our long term future and I'm sick of being to made to feel like I'm selfish and not getting any credit for the fact that without me working we would probably have lost our house by now!

There, I've said it, perhaps I should email this to MIL!!

Send it with a strippergram. If nothing else it will give her a heart attack just to see the strippergram stripping at the front door. Answer to all your prayers.

ooohh...now I know why you're called meanmum!!

..I'm imagining it now......

Mollymay, my DS2 (2) calls everyone Daddy. Postman, window cleaner, delivery men, stranger walking past... Extremely embarrassing. It's what toddlers do, it has nothing to do with whether you're a "working mother" or staying at home.

Personally, I think being apart for some of the time makes me a better mother. I don't have a job but DSs still go off to nursery for 2 whole days so I can recharge my batteries.

Do you think when our DS/DD's get married and we have inlaws we will go easy on them or do you automatically turn into old bags who know best.I hope not.MIL just can't help their selves.mine thinks that my children are nothing to do with me and take after her wonderfull family unless they are playing up.I used to let her walk all over me when I first had DD I'm sure she contributed to my P.N.D I felt like I wasn't good at anything and felt a faliure as she kept telling me,now 3 kids on I couldn't give a monkies.

I hope I don't turn into a typical MIL but considering I am bossy, opinionated, always right and perfect (or so my husband tells me when he wants his own way) I can't see it not happening.

Can't add to all the good advice you've been given here, Mollymay, but my MIL (who never even offered to look after ds until he was "interesting enough" for her to derive some pleasure from it all) made frequent digs about my working outside the home. I was THAT close to telling her that if my dh, whom she brought up, had made a more lucrative career choice I wouldn't have to do paid work. Deep down your MIL is probably extremely embarassed her darling son's business failed, but rather than criticise him, she has a little dig at you instead. Much more satisfying, we all know men don't get these nuanced remarks as quickly as women do.
Agree with all the others, Mollymay, that the sooner she moves away and gives you some space, the better.
Ds used to call any dark-haired men in the street daddy when he was about your dd's age. A short-lived phase but a very embarassing one. As others have said, they know who's who.

mollymay, sorry I'm joining this late in the day, but your 1st couple of lines made ma smile. My ds called the world and his wife 'mama'. At 1st it was just me, then dh too, then grandparents, eventually a smiley stranger on the bus would be honoured with the title!

And just to reassure you, I looked after ds full time, and as we live a long way from family, he only sees them infrequently, so there was definitely no confusion, it was just his word. He also called loads of things 'ba' - book, his monkey, bath, food, I loose track, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't confused between a book and a stuffed monkey.

My mil obviously was delighted to be called 'mama', and I must admit to being niggled a bit, which is silly, because she was just getting pleasure from her only grandson. I'm so lucky in that all my in-laws are fantastic & very generous with time & pressies - maybe too much so with the latter! - otoh they don't see the boys very much.

It makes me feel so saddened to read stories like yours where a parent or in-law is so outrageously cruel/undermining & upsetting. Even if she does disapprove of you working outside the home, it's her job to be supportive of you & her son, but then that's clear to everyone. The situation sounds like it will resolve itself soon anyway, but I would definitely chew dh's ear about it & get him to have a word with 'mama' and put her straight on what's on & what's not.

all the best.

thanks everyone for your messages, particularly pleased to hear from those mums that don't work that their children use the same words for various different people/objects...proves MIL theory wrong anyway!

Only two weeks to go.....and freedom!!!

I think that some children don't associate 'Mum' with a particular person but with a job, ie the person who is looking after them at that particular time. DS1 was 9 months old when I returned to college (2year course) and was looked after by my DM. I got him up, washed and dressed, and handed him over (I lived with my parents at the time). He then called DM mum until I got home from college. I took over from then and he called me mum. Although he had spent all day calling DM mum he never did once I was home or at the weekend. I now, work in a day nursery and see it happening quite a lot especially with the 1-2 year olds. Whoever picks them up is 'Mum' whether it's Nan, Grandad, a friend or someone else.

As for my MIL, no way would I trust her with my kids, she didn't know how to bring up her own but she does insist on giving me advice on how I should be bringing up mine, and she is VERY quick to point out what I'm doing wrong!!

Stick with it Mollymay and now DH is on your side, you have a childminder and your happy it can only get better.

My dd (2) calls our next door neighbour Mummy. Was upset myself first time since I work full time and was convinced I was a bad mother. But now realise she's got briefly confused because our next door neighbours daughter (also 2) calls her Mummy. Doesn't matter how often we tell her she is Auntie X, she still calls her Mummy. But that's not so strange, when she's with her friend, she's copying her. In the end, I've no doubt my dd knows that I'm her Mummy vs. her friend's Mummy.

Don't let your MIL undermine your confidence. You are doing the right thing for your dd and your family, and she's being very unkind and unsupportive.

Mollymay, is your DH working yet? If not you can always smile at your MIL, agree that a child really should have the benefit of a parent all day long, then announce that your DH will be looking after your daughter full time. I suspect she'll be horrified at the idea. You should get some good laughs out of it