Almost 5 - shut down mode - why? How do I get through?

[FrIrishMum]

Hi

My DD, Alice, is a bright happy girl, but some times, like this morning , she just clams up (no talking to us whatever we say). It usually happens if she is a bit annoyed, although it is sometimes hard to spot what starts it! She definitely does it when she is tired, but not only.

Examples: this morning, she just froze/clamed up when I asked her to sing me her new song from school. So I dropped the subject and asked her to brush her teeth... I sparte you details of the ensuing drama, with a lot of talking from me and DH and nothing from her. Ended up almost force-brushing her teeth and carrying her into the car.
This happens quite a lot. We tried talking gently, we tried bribes and threat, even screaming (OK I lost it! ) and ignoring (but when you are running late and need to get her to school you cannot do it for long). She eventually apologised in the car later but I am concerned I am not getting through to her.
She knows I get upset when she clams up, maybe that is why she is doing it.... can you give me any ideas on how to snap her out of it? I do have a few books, including "How to talk..." but I do not feel they help for crisis situations, although they have great advice for day-to-day small drama

Any help, opinion, experiences welcome!

Sophie

You need to take the tension out of it. She is doing it exactly because it is working - she wants your attention and she has certainly got it.

I have handled difficult behaviour for years.
Smile, ignore and be really really off hand about it.
Why are you forcing her to brush her teeth - that is just a huge escalation for no good reason. I would say 'oh, you don't want to brush your teeth. Ok. Well you will be stinky breathed all morning and of course if you don't brush your teeth that will mean no pudding tonight and no tv/computer/early bedtime ( consequence of choice) but if you really want to be so silly....'

Don't get physical. Don't confront.
Ignore where you can and where you can't have a totally nuclear consequnce ready - as imediate as possible.
Don't just think of the usual list of consequences - make it something that she really really does not want to happen. And importantly THEN FOLLOW THROUGH.

It will work if you don't back out

Sounds like good advice. in a way I think I know I am paying too much attention to it...

thanks!

Just enjoy the peace and quiet! I wish mine went into quiet mode when they were angry rather than the full on shouting and stroppiness I get.

and remember even though she seems like she's ignoring you she CAN hear whatever you say, so you can say your piece without interruption.

LOL, good point!