Almost 5 - shut down mode - why? How do I get through?

[FrIrishMum]

Hi

My DD, Alice, is a bright happy girl, but some times, like this morning , she just clams up (no talking to us whatever we say). It usually happens if she is a bit annoyed, although it is sometimes hard to spot what starts it! She definitely does it when she is tired, but not only.

Examples: this morning, she just froze/clamed up when I asked her to sing me her new song from school. So I dropped the subject and asked her to brush her teeth... I sparte you details of the ensuing drama, with a lot of talking from me and DH and nothing from her. Ended up almost force-brushing her teeth and carrying her into the car.
This happens quite a lot. We tried talking gently, we tried bribes and threat, even screaming (OK I lost it! ) and ignoring (but when you are running late and need to get her to school you cannot do it for long). She eventually apologised in the car later but I am concerned I am not getting through to her.
She knows I get upset when she clams up, maybe that is why she is doing it.... can you give me any ideas on how to snap her out of it? I do have a few books, including "How to talk..." but I do not feel they help for crisis situations, although they have great advice for day-to-day small drama

Any help, opinion, experiences welcome!

Sophie

No idea... but I have a feeling my 3 yo will do this when she's older... so bumping

Sounds like she might be shutting down as a defense mechanism, because she's not be able to cope emotionally with what she perceives as demands/pressures. Is she doing OK at school? Has anything changed at home recently?

Might be worth having a chat with her teacher to find out what's going on, if anything. I'd just leave her alone for a while and get on with other things when she gets like that, or just give her a long quiet hug with no talking to show you're on her side.

Thanks

At school she is OK, but doesn't participate much in group activities (mostly looks like she can't be bothered?) or speaking/singing to the class.

Nothing much happened at home. She has a little brother, but they get along fine and he is almost 2.

Will try the hug although my DH did that this morning and it didn't work.

Should we just ignore it and not continue trying to get her to do what we asked (i.e. in the example, brushing her teeth?)

(BTW< sorry for positing initial thread twice!)

"Sounds like she might be shutting down as a defense mechanism, because she's not be able to cope emotionally with what she perceives as demands/pressures."

That sounds about right. I wouldn't chat to the teacher first, though. Chat to her when she's feeling comfortable and tranquil.

Don't call her in for an intimidating "talk" in the living room or the kitchen table, but get down to her physical level, play a board game together or something and then ask some no pressure questions, or even observations. Things like, "Are you feeling happy at school?", "I've noticed you sometimes get very quiet." Give her the space to expand upon what you've said, respect her by giving her silence and time to think about it. Try guessing- "It feels to me like you shut down sometimes, is that because you feel like people wont leave you alone?" Don't worry about getting it wrong, she'll tell you if you have.

Thanks, I will try that!

I'd just ignore it for a while when it happens to take the pressure off - just stroke her hair or give her a kiss and then go off to do omething else for a while.

Am also thinking it might be worth trying to help her find the words to express her feelings when she shuts down. Try gently saying things like 'didn't you want to sing the song? that's OK-you can just tell mummy. I'm sorry-I didn't mean to upset you', etc. She might not respond straight away but if you can help her to find the words to articulate her feelings in difficult situations she might start to do it herself over time. If she gets even more stressed when you try just leave it though. Sounds like shyness might come into it.