At the end of my tether with my 8 year old

[Sugarmagnolia]

Ok, let me start by saying, as much as i love my daughter I feel we have always had a slightly difficult relationship - it will be very close and loving one minute and a battle the next. But lately it seems to have gotten so much worse and I am just totally despairing about what to do.

The mornings before school are the worst. It will start with something small - like asking her to put her jumper on. She'll argue, I'll ask her to stop arguing about everything, she'll continues to argue until I shout at her. (And if I decide to let the jumper go because it's not important then it will be something else). At this point I usually walk away for a minute to control my temper and then try to just move on to something else. But she won't let it go. She gets herself more and more hysterical until she's literally kicking and screaming and having a tantrum like a toddler. I have tried everything! If I ignore her she follows me around screaming. If I set a timer and give her 10 minutes to calm down it has no effect. If I tell her calmly she has 10 minutes to complete a set of tasks or there will be a punishment and then leave her to it (say, put her shoes on, put her school things in her bag and brush her hair) she inevitably ends up with the punishment. By the time she actually has to get on the school bus we are both so upset I'm not even sure I should send her to school.

I have tried making sure she eats something first thing in case she's just hungry. I have tried getting her to go to bed earlier in case she is tired. I'm pretty sure nothing is bothering her at school. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have been there and I'm going through it again too! IT's awful, they know exactly how to wind you up and get the reaction they are looking for. But I totally agree with the other posters in that you are the adult do not get into an argument with a child, as soon as you do you are debating.
She knows what she needs to do but it sounds like you have fallen into a pattern of behaviour - both of you.

Try and make your relationship more consistent, she will feel the inconsistency and may be feeling upset by it as you are too. But she is only 8 and needs you to be the consistent one. If she is playing up (and believe me I know they do) decide on how to handle it and stick to it.

Do you spend time with her on your own? I know it's hard when you have other children but she could benefit from it, really talking to her about her thoughts and feelings or even just mundane things.

I had to do this with my girls and we've all benefitted, it takes xome juggling and sometimes I'm knackered but spend 20 mintues or so with each of them before they go to bed listening to things that I think are a bit silly, but very important to them.