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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Has anyone had success dealing with LO favouring one parent

23 replies

iloverosycheeks · 25/03/2009 12:57

This has been going on for a while but it is starting to send DP over the edge. DS is 3.2 and our morning routine goes something like this - I get DS up and give him his breakfast he then watches TV as I get showered. DP gets up and washes and dresses him at which point I have normally either left for work or am fannying about getting ready to leave. The childminder picks DS at 9 on the way back from the school run. DP then leaves for work, he is SE.
Some days this works fine, other days DS has full melt down because he doesn't want to get washed up or get dressed and screams and cries for me to do it, whether I am there or not. DP gets more and more annoyed and frustrated as he has to have him ready for 9 and it can be a long battle. DP ends up shouting at him which I am trying to get him to stop doing as I feel it just makes things worse.
The favouring me also happens at other times ie saying to DP 'No not you, I want Mummy to do it' for the simplest things. DP is hurt by this.
They do spend a fair amount of time together so its not that they don't have a bond,they do. I have read No cry discipline solution but there is no direct guidance on this problem.
So I guess I need advice on how to get DS to let DP get him washed and dressed and also how to deal with the favouritism as it breaks my heart to see DP upset by this. TIA!

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JammyK · 25/03/2009 13:44

Hi. I can't offer any real advice but just wanted to say that you are not alone. Ds1 will play with dh and likes him being around but if he needs then it's always me he wants. It doesn't help that dh gets frustrated and cross about it. I don't really know what to do to help matters so will be watching this thread. x

oneplusone · 25/03/2009 13:48

I have the same but the other way around. ie DS constantly wants DH. If DH is not around then he lets me do whatever needs to be done, but if DH is around then i might as well disappear. DS is nearly 3. I remember DD going through a similar stage at a similar age (she is 5 now) but she wanted me and rejected DH. I think that DD went through a stage where she realised she was a girl and only wanted me around. And DS has realised he is a boy and therefore only wants DH around. It's harder on DS as DH is at work all day whereas DD had me at home with her when she went through this stage so i was kind of easier all round.

It is just a phase and it will pass (I hope).

screamingabdab · 25/03/2009 16:17

I is just a phase, and DH must really try hard not to take it personally. He is the adult in this situation, and must try to remember that DS is only little, not a teenager! In fact, his obvious upset may well be making it worse.

I know it is hard, though,

Like oneplusone, my DS favoured DH, when he was around, and I was a SAHM, so it felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth at times! DH was always better at calming him when he was a baby as well.

DS1 is now 8. He started to come round at around 4.5, becoming really affectionate to me.

Now he is at this age (I also have another DS), I love the signs of closeness he has with his dad.

screamingabdab · 25/03/2009 16:18

Sorry, meant to say your DP, not DH

LilRedWG · 25/03/2009 16:22

I'm a SAHM and DD(2.10) does this the other way round. When DH is here I may as well not exist. She won't kiss me goodnight and wants me out of her room before Daddy reads her story, etc etc.

It sometimes gets to me but I never let her see that. In fact I have to stop DH from telling her to say goodnight to me etc., as I know that she is doing it:

a) because she's a toddler and can
b) because she misses her Daddy dreadfully when he's at work

and (and I tell myself this is the most important)

c) because she knows that whatever she throws at me I will never ever leave her.

Tell your DH to try not to take it personally. It is hard and it does suck but they are only babies still and are trying out new methods of testing us. DS is probably trying it on with you too, to see how far he can control you.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2009 16:23

Sorry - DP

FrankCJ · 25/03/2009 16:24

Same here. DS wants me (particularly at bedtime) and DH being pushed and hit and told to go away. Very upsetting as DS and DH have such a close and loving relationship and have one whole day together a week on their own to bond.

Bedtime is worst. DH has tried to put DS to bed and ends up sitting on the floor in front of the closed bedroom door with DS hurling himself at him, throwing things and screaming to get out. DS does eventually calm down, but it is so upsetting, I've asked DH not to do this again. However, I have been advised by others that this is the right way forward and if we persever, DS will learn that I am not coming back and settle with DH. Any thoughts on this way forward welcome.

screamingabdab · 25/03/2009 16:24

Re-reading your thread, I am not even sure it is actual favouritism, just DS lashing out verbally with anything in his armoury. In his mind you are doing the nice bits of the routine with him, ie feeding and letting him watch telly.

Not many kids like getting washed and dressed, so daddy gets the blame for this bit!

piscesmoon · 25/03/2009 16:27

It isn't anything that you should take personally, you are the adults and shouldn't get hurt by it. It is a phase.

LilRedWG · 25/03/2009 16:28

FrankCJ - I would persevere personally. I know of several children who are turning out quite spoilt because they have learnt that if they kick up a fuss they get their own way. It is hard but I'm sure if you and DH work together it'll be worth it.

screamingabdab · 25/03/2009 16:31

FrankCJ

I am not so sure about this. How about a compromise: tell DS if he gets gets into bed nicely for his dad, then you will come and kiss him goodnight. You could do this first with you in the room, or coming in straightaway, then gradually leave the interval between you coming in longer and longer.

FrankCJ · 25/03/2009 16:55

Thanks Screamingabdab. Have tried a variance of that and doesn't seem to work. Will try again though.

Iloverosycheeks - on rereading your original message, we had the getting dressed problem too. We started a reward chart and it worked a dream. The chart is completed and reward given and we continue to have a fairly well behaved DS who gets dressed happily with me or DH. Maybe try that? I might try it for my night time routine too.

piscesmoon · 25/03/2009 17:05

I really wouldn't get into the scenario of 'if you behave nicely for daddy, mummy will....' , that seems to me to be really letting him play one of against the other. I would ignore the whole thing and be very matter of fact. I would also go out in your free time, even if you don't need to, shopping or to see a friend and leave them to do fun things on their own.

screamingabdab · 25/03/2009 17:53

Good thinking pisces. Now I think about it, I probably would have been quite hardline about the bedtime thing
(the memory is not what it was ....)

Original poster

iloverosycheeks · 26/03/2009 23:26

Hi sorry been away from thread for a while. Thanks for everyones replies, it is so good to get others views. Me and DP have talked about it tonight and we think need to change his our attitude. He goes to bed late and gets up and last minute so its like all of a sudden I am away and grumpy just woke up Daddy is here - now wonder DS doesnt like it.. so I have suggested that he gets up earlier and has breakfast with DS and starts day off friends rather than at war.
I also picked up on something else, DS asked him for something and DP said 'oh Mummy will get it for you' hello! if you dont want him to ask for me all the time then don't perpetuate it!!
anyway as with most of child rearing you have to look at yourself and your attitude rather than what you lo is doing. thanks again ladies

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Original poster

iloverosycheeks · 26/03/2009 23:30

Frankcj unfortunately reward charts do not seem to work in the heat of the moment with DS - I was thinking about using the No crying discipline solution suggestion of happy or sad faces on a chart rather than rewards.

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FrankCJ · 27/03/2009 13:04

We tried reward chart 2 nights ago. It worked. DS asked for me once and then settle with DH. Marvellous. Gave DS sticker for chart in the morning, praising his calm bedtime attitude with Daddy.

DH was absent for bedtime yesterday but will be here for bedtime tonight so will see if it works again. Hmmm - bribery and corruption or incentivising and rewarding .... difficult to decide.

FrankCJ · 27/03/2009 13:07

iloverosycheeks - meant to say that it's fab that you are talking it over with DP as I feel that it is imperative to both agree a way forward. Won't get anywhere if that doesn't happen. Have realised this with DH and now have proper strategy for discipline/tantrums.

screamingabdab · 27/03/2009 13:12

iloverosycheeks Glad things are looking up. Agree with FrankCJ, it's all about agreeing a strategy with your partner and sticking to it.

Original poster

iloverosycheeks · 30/03/2009 10:00

Thanks again everyone - tried new strategy this morning and not a tear was shed nor a voice raised in anger... hurrah!! I know won't always work but was so nice to see DP and DS getting on so well in the morning.

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izyboy · 30/03/2009 10:07

Bribery and competition - let's see who can get up stairs/in bathroom to brush teeth first! Make a game of it!. DS used to say to me that he loved DH best when he was 3yrs.

I personally was ok with this because it meant that he was happy with another person and less pressure on me iyswim. However we alsways reiterated that infact we love everyone the same in this family and kept repeating this when his little sis came along.

Now he says this voluntarily 'I love everyone' at 5yrs (whether he believes it or not is another matter lol).

seeker · 30/03/2009 10:12

My dd didn't like going to bed without me until she was 10! When she was little she made herself throw up rather than be put to bed by dp, even though they did and do adore each other and had tons of fun together during the day.

Ds self weaned as soon as he realized that if he didn't breast feed dp would give him a bottle and even now he would much rather be with dp than me. He's a bit more tactful about it now he's 8!

blinks · 30/03/2009 10:15

can you not get him washed and dressed and DP do brekkie?

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