Really struggling with 6 (nearly 7) year old DS. Not listening, being aggressive, answering back. We're at the end of our tether. A bit long sorry :-(

[LackaDAISYcal]

DS will be 7 in a couple of months. He has always been quite challenging and after a few rough years with lots and lots of upheaval (moving house twice, new nursery, starting school, death of two grandparents, me being ill, two new siblings) we have been thinking he will settle down eventually.

To everyone on the outside he is a lovely, kind, polite young boy but at home he is a complete nightmare. We can't speak to him, without him having a hissy fit about it, we have to ask him over and over to leave his younger siblings alone, even getting him to do every day tasks is an effort. We've tried reasoning, treats and star charts, naughty step, sending him to his room, ignoring the good and praising the bad and I have even bought Alfie Kohn's unconditinal parenting in a bid to see if that can provide us with answers.

A typical spat will start with him being asked to do something (like washing his hands before dinner), which he ignores, after three or four times of asking, and DH and I getting more irate, he starts chelping back at us that he doesn't need to wash his hands, or we get an outright No. He then gets aggressive and tries to kick and punch when we ask him again (through gritted teeth), and will eventually go off to wash his hands, slamming doors and stairgates and thumping his way upstairs. He then comes back down all sweetness and light and like nothing has happened. This happens at least 10 times in a day, more at weekends and we just don't know how to handle him any more, especially as he is too big for us to just pick him up and deposit him in his room.

DH and I just seem to be barking at him all the time as it seems the only way to get him to listen, and I hate it . The whole family is stressed out with all the aggro and his little sister who worships him is starting to copy his behaviour

We need some peace and harmony but don't know how to get it, or even if this is normal and we just have to grin and bear it, if it's our fault or his fault or what.

We're also sleep deprived with a 20 week old baby and it is making life very difficult indeed

Heeeeeeeeelp...please.

Two thoughts Daisy. First of all, I felt really supported by the psych and actually the whole thing was very empowering.

Secondly I had a very interesting chat with the local paediatrician/child protection person in our region, and she said more parents smack their children than not, and one key difference between abuse and normal discipline was a) degree and b) abusive parents see their children as a burden whereas normal parents want the best for their kids. That made sense to me.

Also if it's any comfort I smacked DS2 (age 7) last week for swearing and disrespecting the rest of the household, and we have both survived, having kissed and made up. He was well out of order, and I was too pg to hustle him up to bed with him flailing about. I am not saying smacking really works as a rule, but occasionally it can be a useful release from a difficult situation when the normal solutions are temporarily not possible or realistic (another example is when a child is trying to run across a busy road, perhaps).

thanks for that boffinmum. I know a lot of parents smack their children, but I was smacked as a child and it was something I always swore I'd never do to my own DC.

I can sympathise on the pregnant thing, having had 2 DC in quick succession recently.

I think that has a lot to do with his behaviour as well; he was an only child until he was 5 and has got two new siblings in the space of two years and struggles with the responsibilities that being a big brother entails; if he is being told off for something he often says but DD gets to do that, or DS2 did this to which our response is that they are just babies and learning.

He has just got in from school and is telling me he has no homework (not true as he gets new numeracy homework every Monday) and I know that if I push it it will just end in tears. He knows I don't have the energy to fight (verbally speaking )with him about it as I has an operation 11 days ago and am still a bit under the weather.

Hey, ho.....better get off here and spend some quality time with him while the two littles are sleeping

I have only read the first page so my apologies if what I'm going to suggest has already been mentioned.

He sounds very like how I was as a kid - gets very irate very quickly, lashes out, calms down very quickly and doesn't necessarily remember or seem aware of what he's done. The problem for me was intolerance/sensitivity to anything with certain food colourings. It's worth mentioning here that I was brought up in the 80s when this was a pretty popular theory, but there was a marked improvement in my behaviour when I had them removed from my diet - I still avoid irn bru and smarties!

Obviously you don't want to take random suggestions from the internet and run with it, but would it be feasible for you to do a week's trial run? If you have a look at this page, there's a list of additives the Food Standards Agency recognise as having a negative effect on children's behaviour. Might be worth seeing if there's a correlation?

interesting blottedcopybook. We already limit anything aritificial as much as possible for those very reasons. If he has sweets we go for naturally flavoured and coloured ones and he doesn't have anything with aspartamine in at all as that sends him loopy, even things like sugar free medicines are a no no. He has recently started with school lunches again though as he just wasn't eating his packed lunch at all, and if I think about it, his awkwardness has gotten worse since then, so maybe he is getting something in his school lunch that is disagreeing with him. I'll try and find out what additives are in the foods that they provide

Yeah we go for cordial rather than squash for much the same reason, my kids are excellent with their oral hygiene so I can handle a bit of sugar but I'm not so keen on aspartame when there are still concerns over it's safety.

The yellow food colourings are the ones which hit me particularly, and I was actually pretty shocked to discover they can be in cheese and orange juice so bear that in mind if you start checking labels.

I hope you find a resolution though hugs

DS is just 6 and maybe I will change my expectations in a years time but I find that in order to not be pestering him all the time I have to let him get away with certain things in the home. Eg table manners, he uses his fork ok but usually pushes things on with fingers out of laziness rather than pick up his knife. Also if jam drips off his toast onto his plate, he licks his plate.

I know he doesn't do this at the CM who looks after him in the holidays and in the school canteen or at GPs or in restaurants. Occasionally I tell him that I really look forward to the day when he is ready to treat his family with as much respect as others and leave it at that.

I know what you mean about not listening. This evening I am pondering buying a sports teachers whistle to attract attention without shouting. (He doesn't like it when I come up close and turn his head towards me with his hands).

oooh, whistle is good

Dh said he has been clapping in much the same was his teacher does and this is working (for the minute anyway). We quite often joke about with him in a military bootcamp stylee, calling him "you 'orrible little man" and making him stand to attention and salute etc, which has him in fits of giggles and cooperating.

He has been really good tonight but has just kicked off at his Dad who usually does homework with him.

but tis the witching hour so what can I expect!!