HELP, what am I supposed to say about death, ds is now really upset so I think I got it wrong ??

[CrackerNut]

My brother rang yesterday to say that when he was colouring with Ds at the weekend, he was asking him about people dying and being put in a box.

My brother changed the subject as he didn't know what i'd want ds to be told.

Ds has just asked mentioned it again and I didn't want to lie so I said that mainly people only die when they are very very very old. Trouble is, that I forgot that Ds doesn't really get the concept of a long time away and I later found him crying in hs room about it

So what should I have said to him, and what shall I do now ??

Ds is 6 by the way.

my DD lost one of her friends at age 4 so she has raised this often. She is 6 too.
the factthat your child is upset does notr mean you got it wrong. Death is upsetting. You can only comfort and support them. You can't pretend it doesn't happen.

I let DD talk when she needs to and then I gently move her on to happier topics.

Its life. Its difficult but it happens and your Ds's reaction is normal I think

Really tricky - I remember being angst ridden about it for years at about the same age. (And again in my teens, actually having panic attacks.) I remember my mum saying to me (when I was about 6, not 17) that heaven would be really nice and full of lovely people doing nice things or something to that effect, which semi cheered me up. I'm torn between thinking tell 'em whatever you think will get them through it until they're old enough to rationalise it (if that ever happens) or being semi-honest. Good luck, I have all this to come with mine in the future no doubt.

dc normally get curious about death at some stage around 5-7.

Just tell the truth, people die mostly when they get old but sometimes when they are younger and we all hope to live for a long time.

What's wrong with him crying about it? Adults cry - lots - about this issue. You were honest with him and told him truthfully what is the case for most people in this society. Nothing wrong at all with that. God willing in decades time he will be burying you - that's a sad thought - but not as sad imo as a child facing the here and now with no comprehension of our mortality. Death is part of life and we do our children no service by trying to protect them from it. If it's any consolation i cried buckets after having this sort of chat with my dd1 at around the same age!

Oh I don't mind him crying about it, I was just worried that I had upset and scarred him for life type of thing.

What do I do if he keeps mentioning it ?? He has asked me why, and I said it can happen for lots of reasons, age, illness etc and he just keeps saying 'but i don't want to'.

If he keeps mentioning it you must keep answering his questions honestly. I synpathise as it's so horrible to be the one who's witnessing this awakening of a horrible knowledge; but it's absolutely right that he hears it from his loving mum.

He just needs the truth but there's no harm imo in keeping on telling him that people only usually die when they are really really old. Try not to get drawn in to too much detail but still be honest - it's a hard line to tread, I know

But the fact that he keeps asking is a good thing, really.

I find that children are very interested in the subject at around that age. I would tell him that he can ask any questions and stress that most people are very old. Perhaps you could get some history books out of the library and point out that old people today didn't have televisions, computers etc when they were children and that only a few people had cars, look at the fashions-he might then realise that they have been around for a long, long time and that you and he hope to do the same. Explain how bodies wear out when you are old and if no one died and more babies were born there would be no room on the planet! Just try and be very matter of fact.

Thanks both, some good ideas there.

He seemed to be upset at the thought that someone else would live in this house, because like most 6yr old boys, he thinks he will stay living with me here forever, bless him.

Can you think about ways of showing how long away "old" is, if that's part of what's upsetting him?

Like thinking of something that seems a long way away to him (but isn't) like Christmas, or being 10 or going to secondary school and talking about how being "old" is waaaaay way further away than that, and maybe talk about some of the things that might happen before that, like him growing up and getting a job and having his own children and grandchildren. If all of these things feel too far away to be real, maybe it'll put death in perspective in some way?

My dd is nearly 3 and quite interested in dying and death since seeing the frog dying in Shrek 3. Told her he was very old and ill, then she thought her baby brother was going to die because he was unwell .

We have reassured her that we will look after her and everybody so that we won't die yet, and said it's sad and that they will miss the frog. Death IS sad. Tbh we don't know all the answers so I sort of let her think about it herself (but keeping the facts - no, he won't come back, but she can remember him etc). She seems ok.

I heard a great thing on a radio programme once by a French pschologist, saying that "death was when you have finished living".

It seems that most children are satisfied with that answer.

Am still for waiting for DS1 (4) to ask me about it!

Haven'tslept, like it. Will use it next time she mentions it.

DS thinks only people who have beards die, as he saw a picture of a local market trader in the paper who had died, and he had a beard. I didn't disuage him, as it made him feel better about his beloved Poppa, who DS knows is old, so constantly asks when is he going to die..? Poppa hasn't got a beard iyswim.
We've had death questions since three, and beards aside, all you can do is be matter of fact about it, but honest. By showing them you're not worried, you hopefully show them there's no need for them to start stressing.