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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Children... rewarding?

19 replies

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 13:15

Is it just me who struggles to see how children and rewarding fit into the same sentence?
I am on a negative day today but I must say on this topic I feel the same most days.
I have 2 children 1 who was relatively easy and 1 who is not and on finding that number 2 gets attention through bad behaviour number 1 has decided to give it a go as well.
I feel like pulling my hair out by 6.30 am everyday and dread the upcoming power struggles. I am a single mother - and have been for much of my parenting age... in fact I am beginning to think that is the way it will stay as I don't ever get the chance to go out.
What joy - or not as the case may be...

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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troutpout · 18/03/2009 13:34

You sound like you are just a bit down...it is blardy hard work and a largly thankless task.

Come on admit it though...sometimes they are wonderful aren't they? They make your heart melt and render you in fits of laughter. Just try and remember those moments maybe?

SoupDragon · 18/03/2009 13:35

I think you mainly see the rewarding part at a distance (timewise, not viewing from, say, beach in Antigua whilst your children are in clacton)

SoupDragon · 18/03/2009 13:36

Having said that, I do look at them sometimes and feel a huge swelling of pride that I made them

Blarbie · 18/03/2009 13:42

You poor thing. Maybe you need help to deal with their behaviour issues. Have you got local sure start classes? A wise old Mum or friend who's been through it all before and can advise without criticising? Once you've got them understanding that you mean what you say and there are a few clear rules with consequences that they won't want you'll have tonnes of time to have fun and reap the rewards. Good luck!

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 14:10

Thank you for your kind words of wisdom...
I have sought help with my sons behaviour and am going through the motions at the moment, it is just difficult having to constantly explain his behaviour and enjoy doing anything at the mo.
I moved last year so not many friends here and only my dad for support... he tries but he is a man! lol.
I went to the local sure start place this week but was not really that impressed. Will try again next week to see if I can gain any help or advice.
Having given up my job to solve my sons behaviour I have made myself feel bored and lonely... I have always worked and miss it.
Fingers crossed it will al slot into place soon enough and I hope one day I can be one of those parents who looks at their children with pride instead of wanting to run for the hills as soon as they are not looking.

OP posts:

jugglingwoman · 18/03/2009 14:14

How old are your children?

I don't know how bad your DC2's behaviour is but, have you tried ignoring his bad behaviour and praising his good? If all hell won't break lose (or things/people won't get broken) if nothing else, your older child may realise that being good will get positive attention.

I'm pretty sure it's more difficult to get perspective if you're a single Mum, have you thought of contacting Homestart? They have other Mum's locally who will come and look after your children/help you look after your children for a certain amount of time a week. Means that you could have time to deal with one child at a time or, just say sod it, naff off to the pub/park and come back an hour later feeling more in control!

And as for children and rewarding? Generally more frustrating in my point of view but saying that, I still get moments of immense pride and I didn't make mine, someone else (with my DH) did.

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 14:20

The children are 8 yrs and 3 yrs.
I tried the whole ignoring the bad and praising the good but he won't take praise from me... he gets angry and tells me to stop saying whatever the praise is. A tad puzzling!
As for how bad his behaviour is... it's as bad as it can be for his age. He physically hurts me, DC1, grandad, cousins, teachers etc etc oh and his newest trick is to smear pooh all over the place...

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ScarletTiger · 18/03/2009 14:31

I have 2 boys (3.5 and 2) and a 5 mth girl and I swear to god there are days when everything is perfect and then there are days when I feel I am constantly telling/shouting/yelling at the 2yr old about something or the other.

But when he's told off he turns to me and goes 'a hug and a kiss please' or 'I need a cuddle'.....

jugglingwoman · 18/03/2009 15:26

We're trying something in our house where good behaviour is rewarded with a piece of pasta, bad means a piece is taken away. My son (7 years) decorated the jar and coloured his pasta which was a tad messy but got him excited about it. When he gets to 20 pieces of pasta he will get a Beano or whatever magazine he wants. Sounds silly but, so far it's working.

Have his teachers suggested any ways of how to deal with his behaviour or how to stop him being physically angry? They might also know if he's having problems at school. I know from friends that smearing poo is supposed to be a sure sign of a troubled child but I don't know how you find out what the trouble is.

Another idea is just to try to be very huggy to see if that helps him feel more settled.

Just sounds like he's an unhappy chappy and I hope for your sake (and your family's) that you can find out what's wrong.

Blarbie · 18/03/2009 19:47

Crumbs! You really need help then. You'll need to sort it before he gets physically stronger than you. Have you spoken to school? Can they refer you to a social worker or some sort of help? Are there issues with the missing Dad? Does he see him at all? It sounds like he has very low self esteem.

thecloudhopper · 18/03/2009 19:50

I think children are the most rewarding people to work with, they are fun enjoyable and are there to challenge you I love my job as it is fun!!!!!

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 20:16

I had him asessed by the HV, then community paed who has referred to a child phsychiatrist... so we are getting all the correct people on board. School have an action plan done with SENCO and he has one to one support at school but they do still struggle with him.
It is at home and out and about where the real problems lie.
Unfortunately relations between me and the childrens dad is not great. It has always been a tricky relationship and I think this has taken it's toll on both children.
I have moved away from him and he refuses to drive down here to see them but the kids do see him when I drive up there. But that said, their behavour is always worse when we get back and takes about a week to settle... His answer to all this is that I should give him one of the children! Of course I see that this would cause further and bigger problems...
I would just like to gain control in the household again and not feel like everything is such a huge task.

OP posts:

Blarbie · 18/03/2009 20:40

Is there such a thing as a supernanny that isn't on the telly? It sounds like you need someone to observe what goes on in the house who you trust who can give you advice.

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 20:43

I would love to find someone like that - as going on the TV is not on the agenda...
All visiting HV's and the paed and the phsych have said I do things right - but then they get me on my best behaviour - I do lose my temper at home and they don't see that... I try really hard not to but some days it is just un avoidable. I shall stay on my quest and will let you know ifI find the answer - thank you.

OP posts:

Blarbie · 18/03/2009 20:55

What do you do when you lose your temper? Do you think that is part of the problem? Have you spoken with the professionals about it?

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 21:05

I just shout and send him to his room. I used to smack him, but realised that was doing me no favours so have stopped.
I think I do need to control my temper more but am struggling.

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Blarbie · 18/03/2009 21:16

Can you send him before you lose it? My sister used to let her kids run riot and then suddenly start shouting at them. I couldn't understand what they'd done if they weren't already out of line. If I couldn't understand what the rule was I've no idea how they could. Don't know if that's how it is with you. I know from teaching very disruptive secondary kids that I could never lose my temper or they'd lose all respect for me. Of course I DID lose my temper, but I had to try to hide it!
The rule was the crosser you really are the more calm you have to appear and if you need to "be angry" it needs to be when you're not, so you "act" angry.
Have you told the professionals you think your temper could be a problem? They could help with it.

Original poster

hetropne1 · 18/03/2009 21:29

I shall mention it next time I see them.

OP posts:

Phoenix4725 · 19/03/2009 01:38

ask if they can refer you to devlomental paed , incase there is somethingmore than naughty going on,not saying is but be good thing to rule out

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