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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS seems to be unpopular = how can I help?

27 replies

Flocci · 18/03/2009 10:02

DS is not yet 5 and has been in Reception for 10 weeks now. He loves it and looks forward to it, especially playtime and running around wit the other kids etc etc. I was surprised because at pre-school he didn't make any friends and was socially awkward, so it was gret to hear him talking about his school friends ........

But now I have been watching him run around in the playground before school with his friends and actually he is alongside them but not really with them. He tries to join in but they don't really interact with him, but they do with each other. He is totally on the fringe. He says hello and goodbye to all the kids each day and most of them virtually blank him. This morning in the playground he did his usual thing of running alongside the throng and one of the other little lads just turned round and said, go away, you aren't in our game.

I am totally heartbroken - he wants to play and run around and be just like the others but the others in the class seem to have already made little friendships and cliques that don't include him. As it happens the mums have done the same and I feel on the outside too. I can live with that but he can't. He has never been on a playdate ever at preschool or school, and i woudln't want to ask anyone from his school back here because I suspect they wouldn't want too.

There is nothing wrong with him, and he likes similar things to the other kids so I don't understand it. It makes me so upset to think of him being excluded by the others.

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throckenholt · 18/03/2009 10:06

contrary to what you say - I think asking some back for playdates may be the way to go. Why do you think they wouldn't want to ? (the kids or the parents ?)

imgoingtodoit · 18/03/2009 10:22

I think you may be projecting some of your stuff onto him(you say you also feel n the outside). Friendships at this age are extremely fluid, especially boys I think, playtime friendships are not at all the same as solid support systems we expect/need as teens or adults. ask some friends over if ds would like you to, but please don't worry. if he is just like the ohters as you say, he will be fine.

fridayschild · 18/03/2009 10:30

I would ask some of them for playdates. DS1 has a friend at school from a home where money is tight, and I suspect the mum refuses playdates because she can't reciprocate. Actually we wouldn't mind at all either way - it is lovely to see DS having fun with his friends and that is enough for us. Equally it would be good for him to understand that not everyone has a big garden and lots of toys.

Or could you fix up a playdate in a local park after school?

BEAUTlFUL · 18/03/2009 10:36

I felt exactly the same as this when I watched DS1 playing at school in reception.

I just ask loads of friends riund for playdates. they always say Yes! (Remember, a playdate gives the mums a break...) The more interaction they have with kids, the better their social skills become.

So, ask, ask, ask!

Elibean · 18/03/2009 11:07

Ah, sweetie ....do ask other kids on playdates, if your ds would like that. It really does make a difference, helps them build friendships - kids this age still need a bit of adult help in doing that, sometimes!

I would choose one of the most approachable-looking Mums and make small talk, start conversations about school, LOs, anything. It could be a start of making friends yourself, and then expand out to your ds...people often aren't actively friendly because they're not sure if they'll be 'welcome' or not, but if you start a conversation up it could help?

Finally, my dd is in Reception and has lots of friends, but they just do blank each other on arrival in the playground at times - they're still in their own little worlds a lot, wrapped up in their heads. It may not be as bad for him as you think.

BEAUTlFUL · 18/03/2009 11:17

If you need a good opener, find out the name of someone that your DS really likes, then go up to their Mum. "Hello, DS talks about OtherChild all the time! Would he like to come for tea after school? I know DS would love it."

What mother could resist?

Grammaticus · 18/03/2009 11:22

Yes to playdates - but are you totally sure you aren't projecting your own feelings onto DS? He may not feel left out at all.

KTNoo · 18/03/2009 11:59

This reminds me of me when I was at school. I always felt a bit on the fringe and even now as an adult I don't seem to be in the cliques. The difference now is that it doesn't bother me. My ds often plays on his own but it doesn't seem to bother him - has your ds said anything about being on his own? If he seems happy then I wouldn't worry. Boys tend to run around like a pack at this age whereas girls go around in twos and threes.

And yes do invite kids over - I remember being really happy when my mum did that as I would have someone all to myself at my house and it gave me something to talk to that person about the nexy day at school. It was so much easier one to one than facing the big group. If you don't feel confident to go up to the parent you could send them a text message.

Original poster

Flocci · 18/03/2009 12:35

I am definitely projecting because I was so miserable at school and I am worried that he will feel the same.

I was trying to just stay cool and think Ok he is happy enough so it doesn't matter, until this morning when the 2 boys specifically told him to go away and then he wandered over to me a bit tearful.

I am nervous about asking someone over for a playdate just because I think the other kids have paired off and mums may think it is weird for him to ask. There is one lad who ds talks about the most, but he is the one who told ds to go away today so I don't know what to do for the best. His mum is very approachable though so i am still tempted to do that.

An BTW what is the etiqueete - is it OK to ask them over at the weekend - after school is hard because there isn't room in my car.

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scattyspice · 18/03/2009 12:49

You have to put your anxiety to one side and make an effort to be sociable in the playground. Just smile and talk to someone. Your ds will learn how to socialise by seeing you do it.

Approach the mum of someone he wants round and ask them when it would be convenient etc. If he has a birthday, invite people to his party and get to know the other Mums.

Remember, everyone feels the same as you do inside.

Good luck.

KTNoo · 18/03/2009 12:54

I would just ask the mum of the boy he seems to like and see how it goes. I wouldn't worry about the "go away" incident too much - my ds and his friend fall in and out all the time.

I suppose weekends are ok but after school is more usual if you can see a way to do that.

HelenMc1 · 18/03/2009 12:56

I have no practical experience of this but have you perhaps asked his teacher whether they think he is similarly excluded? Because you say he tells you he loves school and playtime so perhaps the behaviour you describe from the other boys is not constant?

p.s. think the playdate idea is a winner!

Original poster

Flocci · 18/03/2009 13:01

I spoke to the teacher today and she said she wasn't aware of any issues but then again she isn't out with them at lunchtime playtime so she might not see it for herself. She was surprised I was talking to her about ds which I guess is a good sign that she thought he was well settled.

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OrmIrian · 18/03/2009 13:01

In the same boat flocci. It's hard to see isn't it

Parents evening next week and I'm going to speak to the teacher to see if she has noticed it too.

Amd I will start to invite more children to play after school - they will want to come because it's a different house, different toys. And a lot of the exclusion such as it is will break down out of school.

jeee · 18/03/2009 13:01

When in reception, 2 of my DCs were so embarassed if another kid said 'hello' to them in the street that they'd completely blank them, and I've come to the conclusion that this is quite normal, so don't read anything into the blanking. Incidentally, I have managed to get them out of the habit, eventually.

Original poster

Flocci · 18/03/2009 13:07

I just wish someone would call out his name and wave at him for once, or someone would look pleased to see him and run over to him. He is such a lovely little lad.

Doesn't help that his sister is the most popular person ever apparently, they virtually puch him out of the way to get to her.

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GooseyLoosey · 18/03/2009 13:12

After school is much better for playdates. Could you squeeze one more into the car or walk on that day?

I have been where you are with ds (now 5 and in yr 1).

Some of it was me making more of things than I should have done. Dh was always good for a reality check. Some of it was real though - ds was left out a lot and to be honest still is. I think he got left out because he can be bossy so I have tried to help him with that.

I also identified 2 or 3 boys early on who ds seemed to like and invited them around a lot. They have been to my house many more times than ds has been to theirs but it doesn't matter - ds is quite happy with the situation now (as far as I know) and I think 2 friends is a fine amount to have.

Don't get hung up about it, otherwise your ds will pick up on the way you feel. If there are any specific social issues, address them and overcome your fear of playdates

purpleduck · 18/03/2009 13:14

Get some playdates round in awhile
I wouldn't worry too much about other kids blanking him - my kids would blank other kids who said hello, and it wasn't that they didn't like the other child, it was just that they were too shy. Its taken ages to get them to say hello etc.

Is your ds a young one? Maybe he just hasn't quite caught up yet?

GooseyLoosey · 18/03/2009 13:15

Know what you mean about the popular sister - ds has one of these too and you are right, it doesn't help.

If your daughter is popular - presumably she gets invited around to other people's houses? Would this mean that you could fit someone in the car for ds when dd is going somewhere else?

Original poster

Flocci · 18/03/2009 13:22

ds and dd are twins, so it is early days for both of them. Dd hasn't been invited anywhere and I suspect it is because she has SN. The other kids don't care but the mums may be unsure about it. So with her I am also thinking about the whole playdate thing too, and I will have to start the ball rolling and invite her friends here too.

OP posts:

joburg · 24/03/2009 08:16

Flocci, my almost 6 year old daughter is in about the same situation. What me and the teacher noticed though, was that she is a bit aggresive and hard while playing. Kids get scared of her when she insists on 'hugging' them the way she does, meaning that sometimes she is pushing them too hard. Might be one idea to check on. The other problem we also had was that my daughter is not so keen on changing activities. She finds a game she likes and even if the other kids get bored and want to switch to another game she would stubbornly insist on playing the same game again. That made the other kids start excluding her from their group. I know it's hartbreaking but it's worth looking into those details so you can talk to him if this is the case. Just 2 ideas ...

saintmaybe · 24/03/2009 10:20

Maybe ask his teacher if there's anyone else who isn't paired off / super popular and ask them over to play. It might make for the beginning of a more sustainable / long term relationship if it's not with someone who's really busy and the centre of a big social hub. Someone who's just starting out socially too, and likely to be a bit more available, and maybe another mum who knows what it's like.
Some kids get the social thing much earlier than others.

MayorNaze · 24/03/2009 10:27

be brave - grit your teeth and smile and ask kids over on playdates. does your ds do any clubs out of school? try little ninjas or gym or something? that might widen the scircle of potential buddies plus your ds might find someone he really hits it off with?

lingle · 24/03/2009 10:50

Much sympathy. It was my biggest fear too. Do be disciplined about yourself and remember that his life is not a continuation of your own story.

If the very good advice given above doesn't work, you could "confess" to a kind-seeming alpha-mum that you are worried.

Remember, the ultra-popular mums are often quite kind and responsive to issues like this, especially those who get involved in things like the PTA.

Meanwhile, try to volunteer in school - if you are doing something for other people's children, you will be very popular with the other mothers and that will make them feel kindly towards your child.

deanychip · 24/03/2009 10:59

Can i just add my 2pennys worth please.

My boy is in year one as well.
Teacher says that he doesnt interact with other children.
So immediately i assumed that there was something wrong with him.
he has been on one play date, last year, never been invited since.
never invited to parties, always alone in the playground.

Apparently this is perfectly normal.
Apparently they do not form special friendships at this time, they tend to flit.
It will come.
I feel like i could burst into tears in the palyground daily, but i dont and i encourage him to interact...which he does in his own time and when he wants to.

Please take heart, fast froward to the next 1-2 years and this problem will be faded into the background as the next problem rears its head...honestly, take deep breaths and push through your bottom when you feel crap in the playground

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