My 4 yr old DS cannot play with others, just feel a rubbish Mum

[toughtime]

DS is just 4. He is pretty shy, even at home with us and his baby brother. However, he does have periods of chatting away happily.

I have long worried about his lack of social skills. From what I can gather, at pre-school he is 'amongst' children but I'm not sure how much interaction he actually does. If it's anything like toddler group, he will play alongside but will just ignore the other children unless I say 'DS, ask x if you can have a go on that'- he then will! I now hate playdates with him as if they're at our house, he will be incredibly excited about it and welcome them quite well, demand that they both have a snack and then proceed to ignore the other child for the rest of the time. He will not even play alongside but bring me stories to read or jump on sofas or lie on the floor and resist most attempts to get the play going. I accept that if I said 'hey DS and friend, let's decorate some cakes' or 'do some painting' I could get him off the sofa but I don't think many people have to do this every 1.5 hr playdate, just want him to play with his cars or something! He just behaves miserably and will sometimes say 'x, are you going yet?'

The result of this is that I can't help getting cross with DS after the playdate and I barage him with, why didn't you play with x? etc etc. I really do lay into him and the root of it is I'm worried he'll end up being very unpopular. Are my expectations just too high or should I rightly be concerned that his play and social skills are so poor? He doesn't really do any imaginative play. He has seen a development paed twice after I went to the GP with concerns but he is basically saying he doesn't think DS is ASD or anything.

Agee with others-hes only 4 and it may just be that he is developing emotionally and socially a little slower than his peers. Please do not be cross with him-hes not doing anything wrong-and is probably upset to see you cross-cos in his eyes, hes thinking, what have i done? At 4, hes not hung-up about social norms, as adults are, and imo you are getting upset cos you see it as a reflrction on you-it is not-and if anyone thinks that,(i bet they dont), then they are not worth bothering about.Having said all that, it is possible, your ds could be on the ASD spectrum-as could some of the other dc in this thread.It is of interest you talk of your ds playing alongside other dc, not really interacting with them. Also his lack of imaginative play, and his immaturity in general.I have 2 sons on the spectrum, but they are very different socially. Ds1 wants to be social, but doesnt know how to go about it-hes now 13,and was dx Aspergers last year.He, like your ds gets v.excited if someone comes to play, but once the snack is over, and the sharing the latest toy,ie DS, he doesnt know what to do next-and he can resort to horseplay or even asking me discreetly,to ask his friend to go.He does not have the imaginative play other dc have, and this is a BIG problem, at 13-he can occupy himself only for short bursts and needs suggestions what to do,or he will get quite anxous.Ds2 on the otherhand,does not appeared bothered or seem to need the company of other dc.He has a few friends at school, but does not socialise with them out of school-hes nearly 11.He loves factual books-always has done, and will learn passages from PC games by heart-including the accents.He loves quiet, and will spend hrs on the PC,or playstation.If you continue to have concerns re your ds,ask him to be assessed again-sometimes it is a slog, but ime,trust your gut instinct.Agree with Oops, just accept your ds and his quirks/differences-he is still your beautiful boy-LITTLE boy.My dss must seem very odd to others at times,but that doesnt matter-we are all different, and how boring it would be, if we were all the same.

Forgot to say, incase you ask for your ds to be assessed, dont let the GP/Pead,say nothing is wrong, cos he is bright. Both my sons are bright-especially, ds1, but that doesnt mean they dont have great difficulties, with imagination and socialisation.Many dc on the upper end of the spectrum are above average intelligence.

Just popping on to say thanks to everyone who posted later, will write more tonight. You are right bigpants, I do feel his behaviour is a reflection of my parenting and it's really denting my confidence! In one sense I can see what ppl mean when they say 'Oh he's just 4' give him time etc. but in reality most 3+ year olds seem to be able to interact a lot better than my 4 year old does. He may be just v shy and lacking in confidence, I don't know. was trying to instigate game of dr's yesterday. He just shoved the stethescope on my chest without saying a word, he then took a lot of persuasion to get me some 'medicine' before telling me the dr's was closed lol!

take his lead on what he wants to do.
Don't be directive about it.

i play marble runs and baord games and all sorts, but don't push to play imaginary stuff.

we do talk about trips out and end up making up funny poen=ms and this uses our imagination- but only gently.

ds2 just chatters away on his own in his imaginary world- he doesn't need to be helped or asked to do it.

i felel like i'm being harsh on you- but i really think you need to ease up.
it does sound like you are quiet upset about it and i do sympathise, but you can't make him change- you need to let it happen and provde an environment for the change- but not force it.
I hope that makes sense,

i know it's hard.

don't be so hard on yourself maybe he's a bit quirky, maybe pretend play is never going to be his thing - but there's plenty of other things he can enjoy in a social setting. maybe try having playdates at playground/soft play if he's more comforable with physical play. btw you're not anywhere near Liverpool are you? I think he would get on great with my DS LOL

I could have written half the responses on this thread....especially:
"He thinks his best mates are a couple of girls at school, but i'm not sure how much they view him as their friend tbh"

That is so ds's situation.

He loves the idea of friends coming over and then barely talks to them, sits on my knee at worst or at best plays on his own unless I facilitate something.

He just doesn't seem to see what other kids his age are for. He is fine with older children and adults but seems to love proper conversations and can't have them with most other kids his age.

Try not to take it as a reflection on you as others have said. Maybe confine playdates to the mums and kids you are both comfortable with - I have done this and it does help.

There is one mum I really like but her ds and my ds are at opposite ends of the scale and it so doesn't work so I see her in the evenings instead.

Are there some mums that you feel less self-conscious about this with?

Try and focus on the qualities that your ds has that are quirky in a positive way perhaps too. My ds has amazing qualities that are not perhaps typical of his age and some that are trickier like ignoring other children. I wouldn't change him for anything overall.

Yes take your points. I have been much more easy going with him today (and as always when I back off) he's been chattier and cheekier which is a good thing in my book! He may just be very lacking in confidence. I think it's just in social situations it will be an ongoing battle to tackle his rudeness without Mummy getting too cross... We are going out tomorrow with DS2's 'friends' and he has complained that he want to take 'his friends' so that's a positive!

Can I just add that it is really useful and comforting in a way to hear that other children behave like this on playdates as I have never met another child that does.

Please stop seeing it as rudeness. He is not being rude. He is just being a little boy who doesn't really want to or know how to chat to other kids. When you're four that's not rude.

Please accept him as he is and never, ever, feel ashamed of who he is, or he will too. He will know if you are cross or ashamed and it will affect him far more than not experiencing shared play at this age.

wrote several much longer posts on own family experience but deleted them in the hope I have got the message across more briefly now. good luck.